Is it okay to lie to your spouse?

[Doctor Steuss]

I’m trying to think of instances where it would be “Ok,” and I’m having some difficulty. I guess a potential metric would be if they would feel hurt, betrayed, or have their ability to trust impacted should they find out about the lie.

If it’s something where they found out about the lie, and thought “You are such a weirdo, lol, now where else have you hidden little Bluey figures made of chocolate?” then I guess technically it’d be something that would be “ok” lying about, sort of.

If it’s something where they found out about the lie, and thought “How could you do this to me,” or “How am I supposed to trust you now,” or something along those lines, then lying is obviously not groovy.

Overall, I think there’s an intimate level of trust involved in marriage, which requires levels of openness and honesty that one wouldn’t necessarily experience or expect in “normal” world situations. ‘Tis best to try to always error on the side of honesty.

Signed,
A Divorcee

[Xenophon]

My husband lied to me for 10 years. It still bothers me but what can I do? He doesn't care.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Trust is such a vital part of that relationship I imagine that makes things challenging.

Overall, I think there’s an intimate level of trust involved in marriage, which requires levels of openness and honesty that one wouldn’t necessarily experience or expect in “normal” world situations. ‘Tis best to try to always error on the side of honesty.

Spot on as always, Doctor Steuss, but I really like this bit right here.

One of my favorite spousal memories was my wife speaking with her youngest sister and some of her friends about relationships when one of them asked "what would you do if Xenophon cheated on you?". She stewed on it for a second and then said, "I'd have to have him evaluated and his brain scanned. I know him well enough to know that isn't who he is and something so life-altering would have had to occur for that to be a possibility that I can't hardly imagine it."

I like it for two reasons. First, of course it is nice to know that I've earned that trust and put in the work to build that up. But second (and more importantly), I also love how it highlights that intimate trust you speak of above. My spouse knows me... like really freaking knows me. She has seen every major high and low point in my life, and a million in-between. And the ones that happened before she had arrived, she has lived with me in their ramifications long-term. She sees me in a way that no other human on this planet ever will and that is a very beautiful but dangerous thing. Lying within a relationship like that cuts much harder than pretty much any other I can think of.

[Imwashingmypirate]

My husband lied to me for 10 years. It still bothers me but what can I do? He doesn't care.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Trust is such a vital part of that relationship I imagine that makes things challenging.

Overall, I think there’s an intimate level of trust involved in marriage, which requires levels of openness and honesty that one wouldn’t necessarily experience or expect in “normal” world situations. ‘Tis best to try to always error on the side of honesty.

Spot on as always, Doctor Steuss, but I really like this bit right here.

One of my favorite spousal memories was my wife speaking with her youngest sister and some of her friends about relationships when one of them asked "what would you do if Xenophon cheated on you?". She stewed on it for a second and then said, "I'd have to have him evaluated and his brain scanned. I know him well enough to know that isn't who he is and something so life-altering would have had to occur for that to be a possibility that I can't hardly imagine it."

I like it for two reasons. First, of course it is nice to know that I've earned that trust and put in the work to build that up. But second (and more importantly), I also love how it highlights that intimate trust you speak of above. My spouse knows me... like really freaking knows me. She has seen every major high and low point in my life, and a million in-between. And the ones that happened before she had arrived, she has lived with me in their ramifications long-term. She sees me in a way that no other human on this planet ever will and that is a very beautiful but dangerous thing. Lying within a relationship like that cuts much harder than pretty much any other I can think of.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing I can't even imagine a relationship like this.

I lie about how I'm feeling because sometimes it just makes life harder. I opened up a few months ago and said I was planning to leave and a weight was lifted but things got better. Sooo so much better. And now I'm starting to regret again.