Help wanted (Score so far related)

[Marcus]

You've always been 'finding it' and NOT losing it, dear Jersey Girl!!!

We love you!!

[Jersey Girl]

You've always been 'finding it' and NOT losing it, dear Jersey Girl!!!

We love you!!

See? You are right there!

Thank you! You are one who stepped in on my behalf when I couldn't step in for myself. You went the extra mile for me in your own way. I don't forget that for a single second! I remember telling you that one of the posting lessons I have learned is that my voice isn't the only voice that can speak. That when I wasn't able to take on something, I would shut down my computer and only the next day or so, did I see that others spoke on my behalf. That is exactly what you did for me when I couldn't do it for myself. You knew I couldn't do it for myself.

I know you don't think and believe the same way that I do and that's something I understand. But bear with me for a moment, Marcus, if you will.

I believe that God speaks to us through the Word, circumstances, and other people. So here is a verse you might be familiar with from your previous experiences.

John 14:18 (KJV--again because I was raised up on it and it's also a shared version with our LDS affiliated friends.)

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

So that is a reference to the Indwelling of the Holy Spirit that Christ shared before he left this earth. But I DO see it as a continuing promise and I DO see it as a match for what you and others have done for me here.

Your words here and elsewhere served to comfort me when I needed it and also comforted me when I saw what you did publicly on my behalf. It was a case of too much stress and pressure on me to defend myself. I couldn't take up for myself at the time but you stepped in and did it for me.

That brought me enormous relief and comfort to know that someone would step in and advocate for me in the face of what felt like cruel stupidity and offhand remarks that were not fitting for the nature of this thread. You knew what this thread meant to me. Didn't heads up me about what you were going to do, you just did it. It was the next day or so that I saw what you did--both times. Took me a while to read here again because the indifference and disconnect really hurt me and I had to get away from it because it triggered even more symptoms in me that I didn't need and made things worse.

You knew it would hurt me when I saw it and you spoke for me.

Just for the record, I love you, too! You and others have never failed to follow me here or respond to me privately or publicly. I will never forget it and always be grateful for those here who care about me and have shown me so much kindness!

I am right now somewhat symptomatic. As I said, I had a recent CT scan that showed up some issues that might contribute to all of this that I didn't see in the report of that initial diagnostic CT scan I had last year--was it last year? I think in September. They aren't severe issues, but they could show me a bigger picture and help me understand how this happened to me. That and the childhood trauma that relates to something more current. I've known that all along but haven't shared it here. It's too raw, too painful for me to discuss. In that regard, I have found ways to cope with things the outcome of which I can't control and do things that feed me. That's the best I can do at this point in time.

We basically hit the skids over the past few days here (The Boy and I) medically but we're coming back up with more understanding, answers, and insight I think. It's just been super hard and I don't feel like detailing it here since I'm still processing and will run things by my providers tomorrow. Again, what the CT scan showed aren't serious but could be contributing factors. So don't worry about me. I've got some possible answers. And there may be some corrective measures to take.

I DO try to "find it" and have sought answers all my entire life. Sometimes the answers come and sometimes answers had to wait for me to become an adult so I could try to understand and apply more wisdom to what led to my childhood trauma and find forgiveness...I do forgive but that still doesn't remove the wounds we have from childhood. Understand them maybe, but they never really go away entirely and then they retraumatize us when something new happens. I don't think they are meant to go away entirely but that they can become tools we can use to serve our loved ones, ourselves and others if only we open ourselves up to it.

I recall years ago going through a Bible study where it said, if you go through scripture where God called someone--and it goes through all of those--the immediate answer was NO! You've got the wrong person! That's exactly how I felt when I thought I felt "the tap on the shoulder" telling me to pursue teaching. People that I admired and looked up to kept telling me that. Me? I'm not a teacher. I'm a really good TA, but teach? You're joking! I can't do that..that's what SHE does! But if you take the leap of faith and walk through the open door, the Lord will see to it that you become equipped. And that's exactly what happened as I developed a passion for it. That passion also stemmed from a low point in my life and a prayer I offered up for what seemed like forever at the time.

Enough already.

Just thank you so much for sticking with me! I will NEVER forget this!

Jersey (who continues to babble on and isn't going to stop! )

[IWMP]

Please forgive if I owe anyone a reply here. I'll try to get to it eventually. The Boy and I have been faced with some big challenges this past week that I don't care to discuss yet. I do have something I want to say on the heels of yet more challenges. I meant to post about this previously but I get caught up in real life things and don't take time to do it.

Two portions of scripture. I want to say what I've learned on this journey. There are similar refs/accounts in other New Testament books, I am just using these.

Matthew 18 (KJV because that is what I was raised up with and know best.)

1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

From Matthew 19 (KVJ)

13 Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

I know what this means now.

I know what it means to be God's child, to trust him fully, to be humbled and to come to him as a child. I've known what these verses were but I never knew what they really meant until all of this happened to me.

Just when you think you sort of know it all because you're older, the Lord shows you that you have more to learn and gives you a chance to learn it, that he knows your inner workings and knows you can learn it before you are even aware of it. In the past I've described myself as a life long learner. But I never understood the depth of meaning of what that means until all of this came upon me. One might say inflicted upon me. But the outcome has been more worth it than I have words to fully describe it.

The Lord has shown me over and over again throughtout the past 2 years or so, that he really DOES see me, that he really DOES hear me, that he made us from the beginning in the Garden because he wanted us...and he still wants us today. That he loves us deeply in whatever state we are in. That he does answer prayer. He wanted to love us. He still loves us and wants a relationship with us.

Sometimes the answer is an immediate "yes", sometimes it's "No, I have something better in mind". Some times it's "Not yet. Not yet, Jersey, hang on just a bit longer, hang on, Jersey hang on, I know you can hang on a little longer...then NOW! Jersey, NOW! " And bam! He lines things up perfectly to my benefit and the benefit of others.

I've learned to try to stop viewing my own circumstances through the narrow lens of my own experience. I've learned to try to widen the scope of that lens to understand that sometimes when there's what feels like a "delayed response" or even a "no" that it's because the Lord is working in other lives for other purposes and he takes care to line things up and put it all together. It's not just my life he's working in and it takes time.

Example: Why did I have to get the stinker of a gastro PA before the NP came along. Did the Lord know I would hang on and keep trying? Then in August the wheels started to come off and what did I get? The NP who listens to me, who reads me like I can read other people. That's a little creepy sometimes to know she's like me. I know that when she's with me, she's reading my voicetones, my facial expressions, eye contact, body language without even making an effort. I do the same thing with people and sort of "record" them. Hard to explain to people but it's true. She didn't come into the practice until the PA was gone and at that very time when I reached out in desperation. And she had answers for me that have helped me so much.

It may be that the PA had personal or professional issues to deal with and that is why she left the practice or was let go. But just at the crescendo of my own issues, that's exactly when the NP came into my life. She told me recently that I have been a blessing to her. Imagine that! Imagine saying that to someone who sees her as a blessing? I've never had one single medical person ever say that to me.

That is just one example. The list is extensive but I won't take time to write it all down here.

Like all the folks who responded to my thread here and extended a hand of friendship and caring. People I never imagined would do that but they did. Some of the folks who posted here have extended themselves behind the scenes where you can't even see it in the most unexpected ways. You might likely be surprised to know what posters have done that! And just look at the folks who continue to follow this and reply to me here. That's pretty amazing! People who follow me, show me empathy and support, such kindness and those who have stepped in to run interference for me when someone has come in here and said something entirely out of place. You all know who you are, don't make me name names! All anyone has to do is comb through this thread to identify you! Some of you talk to me here on the thread, in private messages, on Facebook or on your phones. You have been so faithful to me with friendship I can hardly describe the level of gratitude you have developed in me!

I want to say that God's timing may not be fast enough for us. That sometimes we're asked to hang on especially when the Lord knows we can do that and will do that. Like me, I am capable of hanging on and I have. My recent challenges have led to new insight about what may be contributing factors in all of this. Stuff I never even thought about exploring have put me in a position to explore and consider them now. Some physical stuff, some trauma related stuff. Stuff I either didn't know about or stuff I pushed aside to take care of the physical stuff. Stuff I can see on a CT scan have recently raised new issues. I have had trauma in my life reaching back to childhood and I have known all along that certain current situations in my life reach directly back to that and caused me enormous stress. I can't resolve everything, have found ways to cope that help but I could do with a therapist here as I have time to connect with one. I need to get these things literally out my gut because they serve to partially explain how I ended up in this condition because they contributed to developing symptoms that have debilitated me more than I have ever experienced in my life.

Don't worry about what I've said here. I am alright. I don't have any horrible terminal disease or condition. I've just become aware of issues to address on account of a recent CT scan and I think the Lord is opening new doors to me so that I can seek understanding and solutions. I assure you that Jersey isn't losing it. She's finding it. And wanted to share this with anyone interested in reading about it.

This has been my life verse for decades, there's a story there! It has to do with events leading up to Ma's death, my begging for an answer, a sign, and getting an immediate answer :

Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Here are two more that I've accepted as life verses.

Isaiah 46:4 (KJV)

And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs (your gray hairs) will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.]

Yes, he has carried me and delivered me more times than I can count throughout my life and as I have aged and he's still teaching me!

Isaiah 43 (KJV)

1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

This has been true for me and more recently so! I have not been overflowed by life's waters. I have not burned when going to through a trial that feels like fire. If anything...I have experienced what we refer to as the "refiner's fire". The one that purifies us.

I don't think I am entirely pure. I don't think I can ever be entirely pure in this world. But I know without a shred of a doubt that I am being taught and changed.

I just wanted to share that with anyone who would be interested in reading it...or not! Over the past 2-ish years, I decided to go out on a limb and share my inner life with people in real life and here. I've guarded my inner life for ALL my life and I've decided to let authentic self fully free where in the past I've only shared snippets of that in real life or on this board.

Thanks for reading this if you did!

Authentically yours,
Jersey!

This is a beautiful post and you are a beautiful person. X

[drumdude]

Indeed, a very moving an inspiring post Jersey. You’re one of the posters who makes coming back here to read a joy.

Happy holidays and Merry Christmas!

[Jersey Girl]

Please forgive if I owe anyone a reply here. I'll try to get to it eventually. The Boy and I have been faced with some big challenges this past week that I don't care to discuss yet. I do have something I want to say on the heels of yet more challenges. I meant to post about this previously but I get caught up in real life things and don't take time to do it.

Two portions of scripture. I want to say what I've learned on this journey. There are similar refs/accounts in other New Testament books, I am just using these.





I know what this means now.

I know what it means to be God's child, to trust him fully, to be humbled and to come to him as a child. I've known what these verses were but I never knew what they really meant until all of this happened to me.

Just when you think you sort of know it all because you're older, the Lord shows you that you have more to learn and gives you a chance to learn it, that he knows your inner workings and knows you can learn it before you are even aware of it. In the past I've described myself as a life long learner. But I never understood the depth of meaning of what that means until all of this came upon me. One might say inflicted upon me. But the outcome has been more worth it than I have words to fully describe it.

The Lord has shown me over and over again throughtout the past 2 years or so, that he really DOES see me, that he really DOES hear me, that he made us from the beginning in the Garden because he wanted us...and he still wants us today. That he loves us deeply in whatever state we are in. That he does answer prayer. He wanted to love us. He still loves us and wants a relationship with us.

Sometimes the answer is an immediate "yes", sometimes it's "No, I have something better in mind". Some times it's "Not yet. Not yet, Jersey, hang on just a bit longer, hang on, Jersey hang on, I know you can hang on a little longer...then NOW! Jersey, NOW! " And bam! He lines things up perfectly to my benefit and the benefit of others.

I've learned to try to stop viewing my own circumstances through the narrow lens of my own experience. I've learned to try to widen the scope of that lens to understand that sometimes when there's what feels like a "delayed response" or even a "no" that it's because the Lord is working in other lives for other purposes and he takes care to line things up and put it all together. It's not just my life he's working in and it takes time.

Example: Why did I have to get the stinker of a gastro PA before the NP came along. Did the Lord know I would hang on and keep trying? Then in August the wheels started to come off and what did I get? The NP who listens to me, who reads me like I can read other people. That's a little creepy sometimes to know she's like me. I know that when she's with me, she's reading my voicetones, my facial expressions, eye contact, body language without even making an effort. I do the same thing with people and sort of "record" them. Hard to explain to people but it's true. She didn't come into the practice until the PA was gone and at that very time when I reached out in desperation. And she had answers for me that have helped me so much.

It may be that the PA had personal or professional issues to deal with and that is why she left the practice or was let go. But just at the crescendo of my own issues, that's exactly when the NP came into my life. She told me recently that I have been a blessing to her. Imagine that! Imagine saying that to someone who sees her as a blessing? I've never had one single medical person ever say that to me.

That is just one example. The list is extensive but I won't take time to write it all down here.

Like all the folks who responded to my thread here and extended a hand of friendship and caring. People I never imagined would do that but they did. Some of the folks who posted here have extended themselves behind the scenes where you can't even see it in the most unexpected ways. You might likely be surprised to know what posters have done that! And just look at the folks who continue to follow this and reply to me here. That's pretty amazing! People who follow me, show me empathy and support, such kindness and those who have stepped in to run interference for me when someone has come in here and said something entirely out of place. You all know who you are, don't make me name names! All anyone has to do is comb through this thread to identify you! Some of you talk to me here on the thread, in private messages, on Facebook or on your phones. You have been so faithful to me with friendship I can hardly describe the level of gratitude you have developed in me!

I want to say that God's timing may not be fast enough for us. That sometimes we're asked to hang on especially when the Lord knows we can do that and will do that. Like me, I am capable of hanging on and I have. My recent challenges have led to new insight about what may be contributing factors in all of this. Stuff I never even thought about exploring have put me in a position to explore and consider them now. Some physical stuff, some trauma related stuff. Stuff I either didn't know about or stuff I pushed aside to take care of the physical stuff. Stuff I can see on a CT scan have recently raised new issues. I have had trauma in my life reaching back to childhood and I have known all along that certain current situations in my life reach directly back to that and caused me enormous stress. I can't resolve everything, have found ways to cope that help but I could do with a therapist here as I have time to connect with one. I need to get these things literally out my gut because they serve to partially explain how I ended up in this condition because they contributed to developing symptoms that have debilitated me more than I have ever experienced in my life.

Don't worry about what I've said here. I am alright. I don't have any horrible terminal disease or condition. I've just become aware of issues to address on account of a recent CT scan and I think the Lord is opening new doors to me so that I can seek understanding and solutions. I assure you that Jersey isn't losing it. She's finding it. And wanted to share this with anyone interested in reading about it.

This has been my life verse for decades, there's a story there! It has to do with events leading up to Ma's death, my begging for an answer, a sign, and getting an immediate answer :




Here are two more that I've accepted as life verses.



Yes, he has carried me and delivered me more times than I can count throughout my life and as I have aged and he's still teaching me!



This has been true for me and more recently so! I have not been overflowed by life's waters. I have not burned when going to through a trial that feels like fire. If anything...I have experienced what we refer to as the "refiner's fire". The one that purifies us.

I don't think I am entirely pure. I don't think I can ever be entirely pure in this world. But I know without a shred of a doubt that I am being taught and changed.

I just wanted to share that with anyone who would be interested in reading it...or not! Over the past 2-ish years, I decided to go out on a limb and share my inner life with people in real life and here. I've guarded my inner life for ALL my life and I've decided to let authentic self fully free where in the past I've only shared snippets of that in real life or on this board.

Thanks for reading this if you did!

Authentically yours,
Jersey!

This is a beautiful post and you are a beautiful person. X

You are way too kind to me, Nicky. I just wanted to open the door to my inner and spiritual life here. I only let parts of me "out" on boards. Thank you for keeping up with me in various locations. I know we tend to watch out for each other and I value the connection we have more than I can say. You know back in the beginning, how I used to watch out for you. And now you watch out for me. That's kind of wonderful how things have changed a bit over the years but the connection has always been there from the start.

In other words, you got my attention with the first post!

[Jersey Girl]

Indeed, a very moving an inspiring post Jersey. You’re one of the posters who makes coming back here to read a joy.

Happy holidays and Merry Christmas!

Your remarks actually stun me. I struggle with knowing how to respond to compliments. I have never known from the first post 25 years ago how I come off to people. (I had a few folks tell me some things back then that weren't exactly positive!) To this day, I really don't know. But then someone like you comments as you did and all I can say is that if anything I write here brings a smile to your face, makes you laugh, or gives you a sense joy, then I guess posting on this board can be time well spent. Even with all the medical journaling here, maybe someone could use an idea about something they're struggling with. I hope not! But I hope it could serve someone else besides myself.

Happy Christmas to you and yours as well!

[IWMP]

This is a beautiful post and you are a beautiful person. X

You are way too kind to me, Nicky. I just wanted to open the door to my inner and spiritual life here. I only let parts of me "out" on boards. Thank you for keeping up with me in various locations. I know we tend to watch out for each other and I value the connection we have more than I can say. You know back in the beginning, how I used to watch out for you. And now you watch out for me. That's kind of wonderful how things have changed a bit over the years but the connection has always been there from the start.

In other words, you got my attention with the first post!

<3 thank you for being there for me. It's (my life/presence on here) been a rollercoaster. But I am hoping and praying that you are coming out on the other side and things keep improving xx

Edit: clarification

[IWMP]

Indeed, a very moving an inspiring post Jersey. You’re one of the posters who makes coming back here to read a joy.

Happy holidays and Merry Christmas!

Your remarks actually stun me. I struggle with knowing how to respond to compliments. I have never known from the first post 25 years ago how I come off to people. (I had a few folks tell me some things back then that weren't exactly positive!) To this day, I really don't know. But then someone like you comments as you did and all I can say is that if anything I write here brings a smile to your face, makes you laugh, or gives you a sense joy, then I guess posting on this board can be time well spent. Even with all the medical journaling here, maybe someone could use an idea about something they're struggling with. I hope not! But I hope it could serve someone else besides myself.

Happy Christmas to you and yours as well!

Some people back then were just abusive, or maybe just one person in particular. But you've always come across to me as a person of light. Like a sort of, gentle energy but very wise and strong. I know life's kicking you down at the moment but you are strong and kind and wise.

[Jersey Girl]

Your remarks actually stun me. I struggle with knowing how to respond to compliments. I have never known from the first post 25 years ago how I come off to people. (I had a few folks tell me some things back then that weren't exactly positive!) To this day, I really don't know. But then someone like you comments as you did and all I can say is that if anything I write here brings a smile to your face, makes you laugh, or gives you a sense joy, then I guess posting on this board can be time well spent. Even with all the medical journaling here, maybe someone could use an idea about something they're struggling with. I hope not! But I hope it could serve someone else besides myself.

Happy Christmas to you and yours as well!

Some people back then were just abusive, or maybe just one person in particular. But you've always come across to me as a person of light. Like a sort of, gentle energy but very wise and strong. I know life's kicking you down at the moment but you are strong and kind and wise.

One person, yes.

That is so beautiful what you said about me being a person of light and having gentle energy. I'm going to copy your words and keep them for myself! I don't know how strong I am. I think my strength is love.

<3

[Jersey Girl]

You are way too kind to me, Nicky. I just wanted to open the door to my inner and spiritual life here. I only let parts of me "out" on boards. Thank you for keeping up with me in various locations. I know we tend to watch out for each other and I value the connection we have more than I can say. You know back in the beginning, how I used to watch out for you. And now you watch out for me. That's kind of wonderful how things have changed a bit over the years but the connection has always been there from the start.

In other words, you got my attention with the first post!

<3 thank you for being there for me. It's (my life/presence on here) been a rollercoaster. But I am hoping and praying that you are coming out on the other side and things keep improving xx

Edit: clarification

Think of us both riding a roller coaster on different continents. One of the things I admire about you is that you somehow have managed to survive your experiences. Things that, to my recollect, you've never shared publicly. I don't know how you survived but you see them for what they were and that even though the affected you greatly, you weren't responsible for them.

I could have written that about myself. Wow. I just blew myself away with that sentence.