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[Imwashingmypirate]

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[Gadianton]

Is the money that he's not spending on a good time for the family going to his own good times with friends at the bar or other excursions, or is he also not spending on himself, and doesn't want to spend because he sees no hope in escaping a poor financial situation?

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

I’m really sorry you have to experience that.

I don’t know what to say that’d give you any solace, just that your post helped me see and feel what happened through your eyes. And it’s tough.

- Doc

[Jersey Girl]

Full disclosure: I read this just not long after telling off the Boy.

So obviously I'm in no position to give advice and you didn't ask for any.

I can commiserate pretty well though!

I think the best/exciting/most fun and also the most stressful time in our lives were when our children were young. It seemed like there was never any good time for a discussion because children were always there. Like where else were they supposed to be, right? So many discussions that should have taken place, didn't, so there was a build up of tension, aggravation, frustration..that sort of thing due to misunderstandings or miscommunications or unresolved issues that should've been hashed out and those feelings had no place to go except to pile up.

Maybe that accounts for the moodiness. Maybe you are all burned out from life and I dunno, not getting what you need because needs pile up until you just wish the other person would get out. Been there.

If you want to try to suss it out you could ask yourself what you both could have done differently to make the day go better. Like talk about what is affordable and what is not. Figure out with hubs what can be paid for and tell the children what the rules are for the trip? Then you get there and when one of the children wants to do something that wasn't on the list you refer back to what it was...remember when we talked about what we could do today? We didn't decide that we could do that but you can--> (name the things that are do-able). ---> which would you like to do?

But like I said, I just told the Boy off not an hour ago so...don't go by me.

[Imwashingmypirate]

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[Jersey Girl]

I wrote a big reply but it turned into a therapy session so it is saved as a draft.

He had mentioned previously when planning that we would probably need to have £100 spending money which is more than enough and there is enough in the left over budget. So I was surprised on the day when he refused to spend anything at all. Spent 5 on a locker. 5 on the game that he got moody about and then once he left I spent 5 on marsh mallows and we spent about half an hour toasting them and enjoying them without him.

He is moody because he has run out of weed and can't get any until he next goes to his mum's which is next Friday. This happens all the time. My son said daddy is angry every weekend. If we aren't at his mum's he either sleeps the entire time or he is criticising everyone and picking at everyone and the amount of times that I should have seen things coming that he didn't see but it's not his job to see those things, I'm supposed to know everything and be perfect and his job is just to act like he is Mr perfect that can do no wrong.

He is happy to spend money when he isn't moody. I thought he was supportive of me not working because I have chronic pain, found out it's actually because someone at work told him he has it lucky because his missus works and they have to pay so much in child care and so it's better financially that I don't work. If I work we lose UC and child benefit. But I want to have my own income. So it wasn't that he was being caring. I did find it odd.

It's the same here in the states with childcare. The rates are astronomical and I don't get how some folks justify it except...it does hold the woman's place in her career so many a mom chooses that option for career purposes. I have seen first hand how difficult it is for infant and toddler mom's to separate from children and it hurts my heart because it seems unnatural to me. When I was a SAHM we simply made do and I will tell you, I had an excellent paying job before that with full benefits. I walked on it in favor of my babies and never looked back. That decision led to my career in early childhood education because I found a world I never even knew existed. I will never regret that decision for a single second of my life for it led to two true passions in life. I absolutely loved raising my own children and then supporting young families and their children in my work.

So with the weed...is there any way for him to get a better supply that will last longer? Weed is fully legal in my state and some of my family members use it for mental health and also post-op recovery pain. Can he get more than he usually does so he doesn't have gaps in the supply and usage? I could see if he's out of weed that he would be moody. There's gotta be a solution to that.

I can totally relate to wanting your own money. It's a matter of independence and autonomy. Are you allowed by your system to earn any money at all? Maybe you could do that and have your own account even if it's small?

We've done different things with money over the years (decades) that suited our preferences, working status, and the nature of our relationships, at the time.

If you aren't allowed to work at all, could you guys agree that part of the budget belongs to you? Will that cause a huge row to even discuss it?

[Imwashingmypirate]

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[Imwashingmypirate]

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[Marcus]

This doesn't sound like a safe environment for you. Do you have a safe place to go to?

[Jersey Girl]

He has already doubled the amount he was smoking and is still running out. Having chest anxiety because he is moaning at me. I'm waiting for him to leave the kitchen because I don't want to be in there with him. We are going to his mum's today she he will be happy again.

Supposed to be going to school in less than half an hour. I told him how he has made me feel for the past few years and he has picked out what he wants. He didn't respond to anything I said other than to say I was right and he is processing then he started acting like nothing is wrong like usual. Now he is saying he doesn't like himself. Pretty sure if I didn't like myself because I'm moody and borderline aggressive id be doing something about it.

I think it's pretty good that he said he doesn't like himself. That kind of insight and disclosure maybe prove to be promising. I'd do something about it, too. Like talk to a therapist. If he can get the help he needs (which it sounds like he needs help) things could improve but I'm thinking there will be lingering effects so maybe...therapy for all.

Life can be just so hard some times, particularly when children are young. It's hard to have a serious discussion with children around and late at night is probably not a good time to talk when everyone is tired from the day...invites conflict when no one can hold up well.

Maybe you guys could go on a kid free day date or something? Talk things over in peace and without interruption?