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This last year has been very difficult for me and my family owing to my figuring out what Mormonism really is. It's only been a couple of months since I told my wife that I would no longer attend church services with her and my children. Since then, Sundays have been very difficult. My kids tell me that she cries at the drop of a hat in church, and she has sent not-so-subtle hints that she wants me to reconsider, even though she tells me she's OK with my decision.

I'm wondering if my staying home is worth it. Is it selfish of me to stay home when it causes her such pain? On the other hand, what kind of example am I giving to my kids if they know I won't stand up for truth? I'll never be a believer again; of that I'm quite sure. But I wonder if I should just suck it up and go with her. I guess I'm just having second thoughts about things. What do you think?

Runtu wrote:This last year has been very difficult for me and my family owing to my figuring out what Mormonism really is. It's only been a couple of months since I told my wife that I would no longer attend church services with her and my children. Since then, Sundays have been very difficult. My kids tell me that she cries at the drop of a hat in church, and she has sent not-so-subtle hints that she wants me to reconsider, even though she tells me she's OK with my decision.

I'm wondering if my staying home is worth it. Is it selfish of me to stay home when it causes her such pain? On the other hand, what kind of example am I giving to my kids if they know I won't stand up for truth? I'll never be a believer again; of that I'm quite sure. But I wonder if I should just suck it up and go with her. I guess I'm just having second thoughts about things. What do you think?

Tough to say man. Tough to say.

On first glance I would say: To thine own self be true.

But the thing is that once you have kids you give up some personal choice in favor of them. If it makes for a happy home and a more stable environment for the kids, you may want to go. Many people seem to be in the same situation as you.

How old are your kids? If they're young (say under 8 or 10) they may not understand what you're feeling or thinking. But once they get past a certain age kids start figuring things out for yourself. The only thing I know is to always be honest with family.

But what do I know. At the end of the day only you know the ins and outs of your family.

Hope things work out with family.

Bond

Runtu wrote:This last year has been very difficult for me and my family owing to my figuring out what Mormonism really is. It's only been a couple of months since I told my wife that I would no longer attend church services with her and my children. Since then, Sundays have been very difficult. My kids tell me that she cries at the drop of a hat in church, and she has sent not-so-subtle hints that she wants me to reconsider, even though she tells me she's OK with my decision.

I'm wondering if my staying home is worth it. Is it selfish of me to stay home when it causes her such pain? On the other hand, what kind of example am I giving to my kids if they know I won't stand up for truth? I'll never be a believer again; of that I'm quite sure. But I wonder if I should just suck it up and go with her. I guess I'm just having second thoughts about things. What do you think?

That's a really tough call.

I think I did just what you're doing because I couldn't tolerate the pretending. I was talking out more and more. I found my patience with the same old stories wore very thin.

Where I might have been different from you is that I was very unhappily married. I had married three months after my mission and was not in a relationship with someone I could really respect. I held on to my marriage for as long as I could before I had to take some compenstating steps. When I finally decided that I didn't want to pretend Mormonism was "okay" I really didn't care what it did to my marriage. My shrink told me that there was no reason to stay if we weren't able to make it fulfilling for both of us.

I guess my only advice would be that if there really is still love there -- she will meet you halfway. Get into good counseling with someone who knows how to set that expectation.

I don't go back to church now because I would just snicker and laugh at everything. I can't keep my mouth shut anymore.

Runtu wrote:On the other hand, what kind of example am I giving to my kids if they know I won't stand up for truth? I'll never be a believer again; of that I'm quite sure. But I wonder if I should just suck it up and go with her. I guess I'm just having second thoughts about things. What do you think?

How is going to church somehow refusing to stick up for what you believe is true? My grandma is Methodist and doesn't believe the church is true, but she felt just fine in attending with us whenever she visited.

I don't really have any advice to give in this situation other than to pick your battles, but I'm sure you already know that too. Sure, I wish you'd just attend, but I don't want you to do something that is against your better judgment. I just don't see what benefit you get in staying home. Maybe if you used the time volunteering somewhere--visiting the sick, etc.

I go to SM with my wife (to help out with the rugrats). Then I go home.

I actually don't mind SM - it can be quite entertaining - especially F&T meeting. My wife has even figured out when I'm about to roll my eyes at something. In that respect, I think that has helped her see through some of the BS.

Whatever you do, make sure you stick to it. If you return to church for family that's noble. But if you stop going again your wife will be disappointed again. She's going to think there's still a chance you will regain your belief. By just going this will raise her hopes. If you can, you should make it clear there's no chance of this, even if she inwardly hopes otherwise. I don't think she just wants company - she wants your spiritual revival. That may be what the tears are about, too. But you know your wife.

The other thing to consider is what meetings to attend. By attending SM you're "safe", but if you go to SS and PH there's the possibility of conflict in interaction with TBMs, so if you did go you might want to think about only going to SM. Better than nothing? I don't know where your wife is "at" either, how strong she is in testimony.

I know a member who joined because his wife was Mormon, and he has been going for over 25 years and still doesn't believe. He feels it brings solidarity with his wife and creates a better home environment (they have no children) and makes her happier. But he never had "issues" with doctrine or history because he simply never believed, and if he does, he must keep them quiet because I never heard him challenging anything (when I was active), and I think he does like the LDS lifestyle and can comment on the positive things. You might be surprised too (I don't know) at some of the heretical ideas many members have but don't let on. I once had an ex-bishop tell me "the whole gospel comes down to the Sermon of the Mount", and "nothing else matters". Another ex-branch president doubted the existence of Jesus. Sometimes they put on a "show" and join with the esprit de corps while having private nagging doubts about much, which may be one reason FT meeting is there to reinforce testimony. You might even be able to help some of the struggling ones to decide, without guilt, where they want to go. I remember a friend, RM, married a "staunch Mormon", agree with ALL of my heretical ideas in the mid-80s, but his wife was shocked that he would agree with this "apostate", and he shut up. He is still with her today, and still very active. His parents once said they thought testimony was self-induced and the whole belief might just be their imagination, yet they became temple workers.


One thing I have learned is that Mormons are hardly what many outsiders perceive them to be, and even some insiders. I get the impression that a lot of them believe 50% and doubt 50%, but the community reinforces belief.

I think Who Knows has the right idea. I say go with her to Sacrament Meeting--bringing along a PSP or a Game Boy--then leave before Priesthood Meeting.

Ray A wrote:Whatever you do, make sure you stick to it. If you return to church for family that's noble. But if you stop going again your wife will be disappointed again. She's going to think there's still a chance you will regain your belief. By just going this will raise her hopes. If you can, you should make it clear there's no chance of this, even if she inwardly hopes otherwise. I don't think she just wants company - she wants your spiritual revival. That may be what the tears are about, too. But you know your wife.

The other thing to consider is what meetings to attend. By attending SM you're "safe", but if you go to SS and PH there's the possibility of conflict in interaction with TBMs, so if you did go you might want to think about only going to SM. Better than nothing? I don't know where your wife is "at" either, how strong she is in testimony.

I know a member who joined because his wife was Mormon, and he has been going for over 25 years and still doesn't believe. He feels it brings solidarity with his wife and creates a better home environment (they have no children) and makes her happier. But he never had "issues" with doctrine or history because he simply never believed, and if he does, he must keep them quiet because I never heard him challenging anything (when I was active), and I think he does like the LDS lifestyle and can comment on the positive things. You might be surprised too (I don't know) at some of the heretical ideas many members have but don't let on. I once had an ex-bishop tell me "the whole gospel comes down to the Sermon of the Mount", and "nothing else matters". Another ex-branch president doubted the existence of Jesus. Sometimes they put on a "show" and join with the esprit de corps while having private nagging doubts about much, which may be one reason FT meeting is there to reinforce testimony. You might even be able to help some of the struggling ones to decide, without guilt, where they want to go. I remember a friend, RM, married a "staunch Mormon", agree with ALL of my heretical ideas in the mid-80s, but his wife was shocked that he would agree with this "apostate", and he shut up. He is still with her today, and still very active. His parents once said they thought testimony was self-induced and the whole belief might just be their imagination, yet they became temple workers.


One thing I have learned is that Mormons are hardly what many outsiders perceive them to be, and even some insiders. I get the impression that a lot of them believe 50% and doubt 50%, but the community reinforces belief.

I am finding there is much more doubt and questions among members then I ever thought. Most just shelve it. Some discuss it quietly when they find someone of similar views. But the ward culture certainly does not foster bringing up discenting views.

I would go at least to SM with your wife. Even if you do not believe I think for family solidarity iti s worth it.

I would say to do three things.

Say your personal prayers.

Say your family prayers

Attend sacrament meeting at least.

Strong possible fourth is study the scriptures, solely the scriptures, on your own. Accompany this with personal prayer. If your making this huge decision regarding deity, at least base it on the scriptural evidence.

Gaz

Gazelam wrote:I would say to do three things.

Say your personal prayers.

Say your family prayers

Attend sacrament meeting at least.

Strong possible fourth is study the scriptures, solely the scriptures, on your own. Accompany this with personal prayer. If your making this huge decision regarding deity, at least base it on the scriptural evidence.

Gaz

Your forgetting to mention for him to stick his fingers in his ears and go LALALALALA...IM NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!