ChrisB wrote:Stuart, i can't describe how remarkable of a change just what you wrote made, by that i'm not saying i'm "cured" but i appreciate your concerns, and it fills me up with warmth.
Sometimes we just need to know that we’re not alone. And you are definitely not alone. Just try to remember that warmth in case it fades (which it might), and know that it can return.
I don't know why, but my mood kind of switches back and forth, and right now while i'm feeling a tiny bit better, i will try to seek some help, i have this feeling that i want to end it all, but still i don't. One thing i feel i'm missing is someone who shows me their love, and it's been a looooooong time.
You might be bipolar. You don't necessarily have to have "manias" to have BP. I'm BP type II (I have mood swings, but they generally cycle between crap, and super-crap). It's important to make your decisions while you’re “up.” When “down,” thought processes can be a bit tainted. I'm glad that you still have that thread of hope that makes you not want to end it, it is an important thing, and as far as threads are concerned, it can sustain quite a bit of weight. Are you missing the love of family, or more of romantic love? (You don't have to answer that if it's too personal). If it's the love of family you miss... here's some for you: As your brother, I want you to know that I love you (or, from a non-theological standpoint, I'm not your brother, but I'm still probably your 1,857th cousin twice removed... or something like that). Seriously though dude, I really do feel for what you're going through right now, and I'm on the sidelines cheering you on because I know you'll make it.
I have since the tragic incident with the tsunami spoken to some of my relatives in U.S and they obviously wants me there with them, i just can't finance it, and the last couple of months i've been more or less just in a fog, and the only thing on my mind has been ; why did this happened to me? we had a great family, and i loved them from the bottom of my heart, and i see other families and i start to cry. I see lovers and i start to cry.
You can't finance it now, but that doesn't meen that you'll never be able to. Right now your thought processes are probably having a hard time seeing a future, and when you can see a future, it probably looks exactly like the present (which can be pretty damn depressing... I know). Sometimes crap happens in life. Whether it's G-d, nature, Darwin, etc. doesn't change the fact that it does happen.
Do you dwell on "if only" a lot (i.e. If only I had done this, or If only I could have said this, etc.)? The reason I ask, is because when I get down, I do this a lot, and it can be really destructive. The past is past my friend; no amount of worrying or fretting can change it... but the future has no choice but to obey you. Right now you're riding on the wings of tomorrow's memories; try to make the best of it.
Once again, thank you for the warming words Stuart, you made my day just a little bit brighter.
I didn't make your day brighter... you did. You're stronger than you realize brother, as the fog lifts, you'll see it more.
Ps. I love that song
Ever listen to Leonard Cohen?
"Through a black mass of drifting thoughts, my eyes rejects for it to see, crawl beneath the threatening sphere, I don't know where to go, I gotta get my self free, and in this desolate place i vague in my remoting mind, I have no fear, but it seems that everything
is left to be.
The dark side of me was dragging me down, I never reached the ground
What have I've become, I have no thoughts nor aim to find, my mind just stretched and reached the outer end, my pride became a silent cry for help, my life began as a sacrifice.
I'm slowly being blinded, a feeling inside i cannot comprehend"
Keep writing, it's a good release for the emotions. It can also help sometimes to see them outside of yourself. This kind of reminded me of one of Shakespeare's sonnets (#29):
When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least:
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee,--and then my state
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings'.
That line: "The dark side of me was dragging me down, I never reached the ground" rings so true. Sometimes it feels like there is no limit of how far the darkness can take you. This is a little poem I wrote when I was hospitalized around the age of 23:
Like a mild abrasion with no scar to prove the pain
I’m drowning in water, and I’m praying for rain
Like a burnt effigy whose likeness is unknown
Sitting… waiting… contemplating… better off alone.
I hope the sun found its way through the blinds today for you.
-Stuart