DiscussMormonism.com

Is non-belief in the same religion a deal breaker?
Within Mormonism it feels to me like it generally is. If one person within a member couple decides they no longer hold a belief that Mormonism is true it is a contentious position within that marriage on a large number of points.

"With a strong emphasis in the Church on finding a right and wrong way for everything, identical religious thought and action between marriage partners is encouraged. Where there are differences, one spouse must be wrong. Ironically, any church that has many criteria for goodness sets up as many points for conflict as for congruency. (This is true generally: the more areas two or more people want to share, the more areas for potential disagreement emerge. This is why friendships often work better than marriages; we sharply limit the number of concerns which overlap with our friends and often become really close to only those with whom we agree.) We may be unwittingly sharpening a double-edged sword as we increase the number of rituals and programs a couple must share as a condition for a happy marriage." (Raynes, Marybeth. Issues of Intimacy: A Mixed Religious Marriage, Sunstone Magazine, March 1985, p. 40.)

Now the question becomes, does your partner love you or do they love you so long as you're a Mormon?

Perhaps though it is not completely the fault of the partner who maintains a strong belief in Mormonism. After all, for the most part, it is the non-believing partner who has changed the deal, re-written the contract, shifted their ground on something that is a fundamental reason that the marriage happened in the first place. (I say for the most part because most Mormon marriages are between two existing Mormons or married couples who both converted together at the same time).

People change views and opinions all the time. Your partner will probably not hold all the same views and opinions as they did when you first met and married. Why is that such a problem when the subject of the shift involves religion - more specifically Mormonism? Because I see it as less of a problem in other religions.

All considerate responses sought...

A common statement given in Testimony meeting by women is their love for their husbands as it pertains to them honoring their priesthood. While you may get occasional praise for some men in their secular, fatherly or spousal roles, more often you get the suggestion that the only good man is a temple attending man. Further evidence of this can be seen in the talk by Dalton in General Conference.

In the F&T meeting I attended this Sunday, every woman who got up to bear testimony said how they loved that talk, sounded like a warning shot across the bow to their spouse that if they are not attending the temple on a regular basis then they are unfit fathers and husbands.

I don't think Mormons are raised to think that people do change their beliefs throughout their life. I certainly didn't think so.

Marriage is complicated so there is no easy answer to these questions.

When people get married when they are 18-23 year old young adults they are already disadvantaged from the get-go. That's not to say it can't work, I've seen it work. However, statistics on it show us that people who marry very young have a higher divorce rate.

I was taught to look for a very specific type of mate. Being a "worthy priesthood holder" was the number one most important attribute the man could have. In fact, dating outside of that was considered reckless. I was taught, thanks to SWK, that any "worthy" man and any "worthy" woman could make a marriage work. This meant that little things like sexual attraction and having similar interests or compatible secular goals and attitudes were not as important.

Add to this the fact that any type of sexual contact with the prospective mates is forbidden and you have a recipe for disaster. It is not uncommon for young LDS couples to get married after knowing each other less than 6 months. I've known people to get married in as little as 2 months of knowing each other.

Back to the main question, does your spouse love Mormonism more than you? Well, a lot of LDS couples get married because the prospective spouse fits enough of the criteria and not necessarily based on being crazy in love and compatible. They can take them to the temple and give them BIC babies and resurrect them and live forever in the CK together. That is what they are marrying just as much as the actual person.

My husband has said that he doesn't know how to be married to me now that I don't believe. I have broken my marriage vows to him (vows that he can't actually recall or talk about). To him, it seems, our marriage is tied to Mormonism.

But, yes, he probably does love Mormonism more than me.

I don't think this is unique to Mormonism. Sexual love is not unconditional. Nor does it need to be. But it is hard to deal with the fact that you were only loved for what you represented or what somone wants you to be and not who you actually are.

Religion is one of the biggies. It colors how you view the world and how you react to the situations in your life.

Mormonism is not just an attend an hour of services once week thing. It is an entire culture and lifestyle. It permeates EVERYTHING. All the biggies, I think, are colored by the belief system, from how to use your money to what kind of entertainment you choose to how you raise your children (and the choice to have them) to your views on sex.

I don't think that either spouse should be villianized.

I've read that 20% of marriages are incompatible. I've also heard that that stat is on the low side. Either way, I would be willing to bet that the faster you get married the higher the chance of getting into an incompatible marriage. If the only basis of compatibility was Mormonism....once that is gone there is really nothing left other than the 3 or 4+ children you've had together.

just me wrote:I don't think this is unique to Mormonism. Sexual love is not unconditional. Nor does it need to be.

Religion is one of the biggies. It colors how you view the world and how you react to the situations in your life.

I don't think that either spouse should be villianized.

QFT

I was going to bring up a few points, but JM hit the main ones I had in mind.

I think it's perfectly natural--even ideal--to love some things more than your spouse. Potential candidates include God, the safety of others (or yourself), and core values such as equality or justice. That a spouse would value religion over you is painful, but I think it's important to that spouse to allow him / her to be true to himself / herself. However, I think religion, including Mormonism, can work out even when one spouse loses belief although it would be very painful. I'm still unsure on whether the costs of pain outweigh the benefits. I'm sure it all depends on things such as just how painful it is to the individual couple, and how it affects the children (sometimes children may make it all the better to divorce rather than live in a painful home).

If the LDS God exists, should one love God more than spouse? And since eternal life is the goal, should a spouse take steps to ensure the children are raised LDS despite the objections of the other spouse?

bcspace wrote:If the LDS God exists, should one love God more than spouse?

That'd be up to the individual. But, this does have a scriptural basis.

ETA: I can't, however, find any scriptures that say it is acceptable to love an organization more than your spouse. So, being more devoted to a church, your work or your school doesn't seem to have any scriptural backup.

There are also a couple of scriptures that indicate that a believing spouse should stick with an unbelieving spouse.

And since eternal life is the goal, should a spouse take steps to ensure the children are raised LDS despite the objections of the other spouse?

No. That is wrong. Each parent should have an equal say in the rearing of the children they helped create.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

bcspace wrote:If the LDS God exists, should one love God more than spouse? And since eternal life is the goal, should a spouse take steps to ensure the children are raised LDS despite the objections of the other spouse?

After my wife found out I don't believe in the church all that much, she told me that she wished she and our four children would get in a car accident that would kill them all so that they would be guaranteed to live in the celestial kingdom and wouldn't be at risk of accepting my apostate views. I found that very disturbing.

I think my wife feels that the best way "to ensure the children are raised LDS" is to stay married to me and control what I can and cannot tell them about the church. If we got divorced, she knows I would be free to tell them anything I wanted, anytime I wanted. That really scares her.

I think my wife feels that the best way "to ensure the children are raised LDS" is to stay married to me and control what I can and cannot tell them about the church. If we got divorced, she knows I would be free to tell them anything I wanted, anytime I wanted. That really scares her.

Sounds like she's making quite a sacrifice. If the LDS God exists, then salvation and eternal life are more important than a family relationship that won't survive mortality.

And since eternal life is the goal, should a spouse take steps to ensure the children are raised LDS despite the objections of the other spouse?

No. That is wrong. Each parent should have an equal say in the rearing of the children they helped create.

Actually, if the LDS God exists, then according to what's important to Him, that is right, not wrong. Matthew 10:34-37 for example.

If the LDS God exists, he is the Supreme Bully of the Universe.

It sounds like he doesn't care about the agency of others at all. He is a god of hate, a devil.