Lesser forms of marriage

[_The Dude]

The Mormon apostle Russel Nelson has said:

God’s plan of happiness allows us to choose for ourselves. As with the patterns of the shopper, we may choose celestial marriage or lesser alternatives. Some marital options are cheap, some are costly, and some are cunningly crafted by the adversary. Beware of his options; they always breed misery!

This makes a nice setup for a personal story I have been meaning to tell....

My brother was recently married to a woman he's been dating for over three years. He wanted to marry her much earlier, but he wanted to marry in the temple, rather than be the only one in our family to accept a "less option". I think he really believes that a temple marriage would help him have a stable family and long term happiness, especially since that's how we grew up and that's the example we have seen from our parents. The problem was that he fell in love with a non-member. Not only that, but a highly educated non-member whose family is Hindu and wary of insular Christian sects like the Mormons. Over the years my brother managed to "convert" her from agnosticism to Mormonism, resulting in baptism without her family's knowledge. I'm not sure if they know, even now.

Nevertheless, they settled for one of Satan's lesser options, a non-temple marriage, because of a number of procedural difficulties that the LDS church uses to limit choices. Normally a new member has to wait one year before being allowed to enter the temple, and that seemed to be too much longer for them. Plus, it would shut out her family and a huge number of non-LDS friends, leading to hurt feelings that would take years to repair. So about six months after her baptism, they were married outside the temple, but in the US this triggers an LDS legalism that forces them to wait another 12 months before they can be sealed in the temple. We'll see if they go through with it. I have my doubts.

The traditional Hindu wedding was fun and novel for me. My brother, the groom, arrived at the country club in a horse-drawn carriage, wearing the white coat and red turban of an Indian prince. The bride wore an exotic red and gold gown and several pounds of traditional gold jewelry. For the actual marriage ceremony, they sat facing each other on a raised platform covered with candles, bowls of fruit, and flowers, while a barefoot Hindu priest chanted in Sanskrit, and sprinkled rice over their heads. It was a long procedure and a little hard to follow even with their family friend trying to explain the meaning of each step in the ceremony, but it was certainly unforgettable and unique in my family.

Throughout the ceremony the parents of the bride and groom sat on the stage as well and had some minor participations in the event. The bride's parents wore traditional Indian robes and beamed with delight. My mother and father chose to wear conservative western attire because they had traveled back to the USA from East Asia where they are serving an LDS mission. They still had their Elder/Sister name tags proclaiming The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They smiled through the ceremony, but just barely. Obviously the "pagan" wedding tradition was emotionally difficult for them, as representatives of the LDS church and as parents with high hopes for their last unmarried son. My father looked especially uncomfortable.

Most of the 200 or so guests turned out to be Indian friends of the bride and her family. Most of them had gotten to know my brother and were friendly with him, and with the rest of us. All of my siblings were there, plus two of my brother's friends from Utah, but I don't think there was a single person from my brother's local ward. Interesting.

Following the Indian wedding ceremony, there was a regular western wedding held on the lawn. During the set-up period, I overheard my father asking my brother about the LDS bishop who was going to conduct the western ceremony... oops! Their bishop wasn't going to do it; they had simply ordered a Justice of the Peace. Dad was taken aback. I beheld how Satan's lesser options could indeed breed misery: Dad made a big frown, but politely turned away and prepared for the procession. Compared to the Indian ceremony, the western ceremony was short and sweet. I spoke to some of the Indian guests afterwards and they thought it was beautiful and so different from what they were used to: pretty much the same as my feelings about the Hindu ceremony, because of its novelty.

Then there was a banquet. Along with traditional Indian food (which I love), there was champagne and an open bar. Coffee was served and I partook in discreet moderation, but I didn't go out of my way to hide it from my family. My mother tried to lecture me about the addictive dangers of caffeine (LOL), but I just nodded with the same mechanical smile she had used during the Indian wedding. The father of the bride gave a heartfelt toast, telling of the years when he had gotten to know my brother and prepared to let his only daughter go to the man she loved. Then my father gave an equally emotional toast, and for a while it was clear that he truly loved the bride and her different family, but he ended his tearful speech with a subtly disappointing hope that someday soon the marriage would become an "eternal" one. Huh? Most of the guests must have been perplexed because the Hindu ceremony had already included a declaration of lasting through eternity....

The evening ended with hours of dancing and insanely loud Bollywood music. (CrazY!!) And the newlyweds disappeared into the night.

This event was a couple of months ago and since then I have met up with my brother and his new wife only one time. I live closer to them than anyone else in my family, but still several hours away. It turns out the newlyweds don't attend the Mormon church in their new ward. My brother's wife feels more comfortable around us than anyone else in my family. The rest of my siblings live in faraway Utah and are staunch lifelong Mormons, while we are more "normal." She told my wife that she is "sitting on the fence" as far as the Mormon church is concerned, and she is still bothered that my parents once tried to break up their romance over differences in culture and religion. It was arrogant of my parents to tell her not to worry about her family's Hindu background, because through her example they would eventually they would come around to the truth. She thinks maybe Mormonism isn't right for everyone. Is that a possibility?

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. For almost 12 years I have been the only one in my family to apostatize, and I didn't exactly do it quietly, but since then I have never tried to deconvert anyone nor have I openly criticized the church in front of them. We have established a respectful, but not especially close relationship. I just watch and see if anyone comes to me. I wonder if strict rules and arrogant attitudes about LDS temple marriage will finally do it for my brother. How must they feel when they hear words like Elder Nelson's? "We may choose celestial marriage or lesser alternatives. Some marital options are cheap, some are costly, and some are cunningly crafted by the adversary. Beware of his options; they always breed misery!"

No matter what happens, I sincerely hope that he and his new wife have a long and happy life together. If they do eventually make it to the temple, if that helps them stay together through the vicissitudes of life, then I will only be happy for them.

One final thing. I am not a strong proponent for gay marriage, but I think there could be a fair amount of hypocrisy (correct word?) in the way some Mormons (like my parents) believe non-LDS weddings are so pitifully inferior to LDS Celestial Marriage. But they turn around and are vocal and financially supportive of legislation designed to limit a certain class of people from obtaining even a non-LDS legal marriage license. They want to wall-up the Justice of the Peace even as they struggle to respect anything that isn't Celestial. They already believe in a caste system, and they want to extend it with a passion.

Celestial marriage.
Terrestrial marriage.
Telestial ____?






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[_beastie]

Interesting thoughts, dude. My boyfriend and I attended an Indian celebration of lights last weekend with an Indian/Hindu friend and his wife. It was fascinating, although very long, with a near stampede afterwards to get to the food. Based on what they presented about Indian marriages, I’m sure it must have been fascinating. I was struck by how colorful – literally – the Indian culture seems to be compared to our own. Our friends did the same thing your brother did – had a traditional Hindu marriage followed by a Western/Christian marriage. (before we knew them) A funny aside: the groom laughed as he told us how his parents literally gasped when the groom was invited to kiss the bride in the Christian ceremony. That, apparently, constituted Too Much Information. The bride grew up in a very conservative Lutheran hellfire home, so they feel that she has sold her soul, to a great degree, but have accepted their marriage. However, it appears Hindus are a bit more accepting of other religious traditions, and even atheism (at least the Hinduism that was presented to us)

This “lesser option” reminds me a bit of my own family’s initial reaction to my own long-term “arrangement”, so to speak. My boyfriend and I have been very happily committed to one another for over eleven years, and have had a long-term engagement for probably nine of those years (can’t exactly remember when we got “engaged”). We do not live together, as we live in different towns, but we spend every weekend together (one weekend I go to his house, the next he comes to mine). This has been a wonderful, satisfying arrangement for us. Our original motives for delaying marriage had to do with my kids – I think step parenting is hard on everyone, and that’s why the divorce rate in second marriages is so high. My kids had been through so much already that I wasn’t willing to risk placing them in more stress. My boyfriend has always been great with them, and they have been more influenced by him than their own volatile father, but being around kids on the weekend is much different than being around them every day, and feeling like you’re supposed to “parent” them. I loved all of them too much to risk that kind of stress. I would still not uproot and move to be with him (that’s the eventual plan because we like his town better and my parents live there and may need help as they age) as long as my kids are in college and view my home as their primary home. (in fact, two still live with me, one just recently moved back)

This arrangement – openly ‘living together’ on the weekends and happily displaying affection to one another in front of my family, and seeing his influence and presence with my kids – was very hard on my Mormon family at first. In fact, they initially did not want to invite him to their house to express their disapproval. One of my sisters talked them out of that cruel stand, happily, and once they decided to “let him in” and perhaps risk seeming to condone our relationship, they treated him very well, and genuinely came to accept and love him (he is a great guy, so it’s easy to do). In fact, my parents now refer to him as their son-in-law, and when I reminded them once we’re still not married, they simply stated that they still viewed him as their son-in-law. They love him. Interestingly, they also don’t even seem to expect us to ever get married, although we say we will one day. Who knows, they may be right – we both suffered through truly horrible marriages, and perhaps we’ll always remain gun-shy. It isn’t really important to us, other than future living arrangements.

But this wasn’t an easy progression for them. And I don’t think all LDS parents would be able to do this – my family is pretty liberal LDS, although still firm believers (maybe because we were converts at later stages of life, my parents joined in their late forties).

My boyfriend’s family does not live near us, but we do visit. They eventually came to accept us, coming a long way from my first meeting with his sister and then bishop husband, who offered to marry us THEN AND THERE. ;)

Like you, my boyfriend and I were open about our loss of faith. But we have also remained largely silent since then, and do nothing to try to dissuade our families from their faith. We have had a couple of nephews seem to become disillusioned with the church, but neither have talked to us about it. I think that, even if the talking had been initiated by THEM, our families would have still blamed us and been furious with us. So, for us, it was better to stay out of it all together. It's an awkward balancing act.

One of my sisters left the church around the same time I did, so we have always openly discussed it with each other, and our parents don't seem to blame one of us for influencing the other. My other sister has since married a nonmember, and doesn't appear to really be active anymore, although she's never said anything to lead us to believe she no longer believes. But I wouldn't risk bringing it up. As I said, it's an awkward balancing act, and I wish I wouldn't have to stay on the tightrope, but I don't want to introduce turmoil into the family by pushing it in anyway. As people age, we often learn that people are who they are, and pushing them and/or fighting them about it is pretty pointless. You either accept them as they are and learn to be happy with the relationship, or distance yourself. I don't want to distance myself from my family, and neither do they.

[_antishock8]

I'm incredibly envious, Dude. You got to attend a traditional Indian ceremony, and your brother is part of something pretty special: A culture and tradition that spans 5,000 years. For about 10 years now I've held an admiration and fascination for India. My favorite dishes are from India, to the point that I make it a point to travel to Raleigh once a quarter to eat at a particular Indian restaurant, because there's nothing even close to what they can do with food. I went through a Bollywood phase where I would seek out Indian musical scores simply because I was moved by an Indian woman's ability to transcend octaves with ease... I used to own about a dozen Indian cd's, but misplaced them which bums me out. :(

Your parents are asses. This kind of goes to the Mormonism and racism issue I believe. I think they view Indians and Indian culture as regressive and dark. Literally. God is White. Indians are not White. Therefore they don't have "the truth". Feck. What a shame. I hope you make yourself available to your brother's wife, socially, as much as possible. She's going to need it. She's going to end up despising Mo's. They're assholes when it comes to culture and race. Just speaking truth to power...

[_The Dude]

This kind of goes to the Mormonism and racism issue I believe. I think they view Indians and Indian culture as regressive and dark.

Maybe but I doubt it. I am pleased that they are serving a mission outside the US, where most of their efforts are towards converting dark-skinned people. I think the exposure has been wonderful for them. (I expect I will never again hear them refer to my Guatemalan sister-in-law as "mexican" or "south of the border"....) Now and in the future, if/when they behave like asses, it's because of religious superiority and not nationality or race. They think their sectarian marriages are greater because they have the real authority from God, not because they originated among white-skinned Americans. Maybe, through some kind of unforseen miracle, even that attitude could change. They are good people at heart.

[_CaliforniaKid]

Dude,

Thanks for sharing. An Indian friend of mine married an American wife. Theirs was a traditional Western wedding, but the bride and bridesmaids wore full Indian regalia. I thought that was interesting: my Indian friend in a tuxedo and his American bride in a sari, each embracing the other's culture.

The sociologist Rodney Stark writes in several of his books that conversion occurs when one's relational attachments to members overbalance their attachments to non-members. I suspect that this is true for the vast majority of the population. I have occasionally wondered whether deconversion from Mormonism might not be an exception to this rule, since there is so much damaging information available that some people deconvert despite still having strong kinship ties to the church. But even those who deconvert for intellectual reasons often seek to forge ties with non-members before they actually go through with it. It may be that for the moment, your brother and his wife feel most comfortable in a state of limbo. Her conversion would alienate her from her family, but her LDS leanings give your parents enough hope to satiate them for now. To remain noncommittal, then, provides her an avenue to maintain as many kinship ties as possible. This strategy may not work forever. Family dynamics are bound to change with time. If your parents spend most of their time out of the country, I can't help but wonder whether as your brother grows closer to his new bride and her family, he might join you in apostasy.

One final thing. I am not a strong proponent for gay marriage, but I think there could be a fair amount of hypocrisy (correct word?) in the way some Mormons (like my parents) believe non-LDS weddings are so pitifully inferior to LDS Celestial Marriage. But they turn around and are vocal and financially supportive of legislation designed to limit a certain class of people from obtaining even a non-LDS legal marriage license. They want to wall-up the Justice of the Peace even as they struggle to respect anything that isn't Celestial. They already believe in a caste system, and they want to extend it with a passion.

The Catholics, who believe that the only valid purpose for sexual intercourse is to produce children, reject such things as gay marriage and contraception because they are not "open to life". Family-planning approaches to contraception, however, are permissible because intercourse is still "open" to life, even if reproduction is less likely. Maybe this is something like what the Mormons are thinking. A heterosexual non-temple wedding is open to becoming a temple wedding at some future point. A gay non-temple wedding is not.

it appears Hindus are a bit more accepting of other religious traditions, and even atheism (at least the Hinduism that was presented to us)

This is true of traditional, philosophical Hinduism. Like most forms of Buddhism, it tends to absorb other faiths rather than to reject them. The exclusive faiths like Christianity and Islam, however, have been resistant to absorption and have made inroads against traditional Hinduism (which is not a missionary faith, and so has no built-in mechanism to try to reverse the flow of converts). Conservatives who have witnessed these other, exclusive religions chipping away at their culture have developed a sort of exclusive, fundamentalist kind of Hinduism called Hindutva. The Hindutva party is currently very powerful in the government there.

-Chris