The Epistle of Mathonihah

[Limnor]

Recently, a pile of discarded corrugated tin plates were discovered near Kirtland, Ohio. Upon translation, one set of plates are shown to have been labeled “unorthodox” by the hand of Mormon.

Within the plates, a letter from Mathonihah to Kumenonhi argues that authority has been granted to the disciples by order of their land ownership, and that in the latter days a group shall dwell at a farm and shall be called “the family.”

A brief abridgment of the translation of what appears to be an epistle follows.

And it came to pass that Mathonihah wrote unto Kumenonhi concerning the ordering of the disciples, saying:

Dear K,

Authority among us has not been given according to holiness alone, neither according to the gifts of the Spirit, but according to the stewardship of lands and inheritances, for whoso held the vineyards and the storehouses do possess also the hearing of the people.

And as it has been made known, many records have already been altered by the hand of the keeper of the plates, that the people might believe we disciples have been of one heart concerning all things. But this is not truly so, as the dispute between Shemnon and Kumen over possession of the interpreters hath been made known to many.

But I wrote unto you that in the latter days there shall arise a people who shall gather themselves upon a farm, and they shall call themselves The Family, and they shall hold all things in common, yet shall every man secretly seek preeminence over his brother.

And the name of him who should have that preeminence and collect their tithings shall be called Limnor, who shall accept Venmo.

It’s kind of funny that we don’t know much about any of the American 12. I intend to remedy that.

[Gadianton]

I guess I'm lucky I don't have Venmo or I'd be compelled to give all that I hath.

[Limnor]

A return epistle has been found, engraved on a corrugated tin sheet of about 11.5” by 8”. The curious engravings appear to have been etched by a small penknife-type object. The below rendering represents a facsimile of some of the caractors.

🙵︎◆︎❍︎♏︎■︎□︎■︎♒︎♓︎ ⬥︎❒︎□︎⧫︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬥︎ 📬︎ 💣︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎□︎■︎♓︎♒︎♋︎♒︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ♌︎◆︎⧫︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎♋︎♎︎📬︎

When translated, using the gift and power of Gad, the epistle reads:

To Mathonihah, proprietor of many opinions, from Kumenonhi, who remains unconvinced.

I received thy epistle, wherein thou explainest that authority proceedeth from land ownership, and implieth that the Lord revealeth His will mainly unto those possessing barns and fences.

I confesseth I laughed aloud when I read it, for every age produceth men who explain that God’s favor doth fall unto those who owneth the most stuff. Yet thou hast written saying that selfishness shall cease once every man surrendereth his possessions unto the order.

Yet it confoundeth me though all things are said to be common, the same three men remain in charge of distributing them. Bit to mentioneth, a big stink arose around the matter of Brother Heshlon’s missing sundial. When it was first discovered absent, ye proclaimed that private ownership was anathema and that no man ought become overly attached unto worldly things. But when the sundial was sold, suddenly there arose among you many urgent revelations concerning accountability.

Wherefore I perceive that “all things in common” endureth only until something expensive goeth missing.

Nevertheless, I engraveth too much, and my pen-knife cankers.

[Limnor]

I guess I'm lucky I don't have Venmo or I'd be compelled to give all that I hath.

So much missed opportunity. “The Acts of Shemlon” would have been fun reading. Or maybe the Psalms of Pacumeni.