Religious humor

[_Gazelam]

A Baptist preacher wanted to get a dog for his family. Being fundamentalist, he knew he had to get a Baptist dog.

Upon visiting one kennel, the pastor tested the dog by commanding: "Fetch the Bible." The dog picked a Bible from a nearby bookshelf and brought it to him. "Find Psalm 23" caused the dog to leaf through the pages until he found the right one. Impressed, the pastor bought the dog.

When he got the dog home, his wife asked if the dog could do any regular tricks. The pastor didn't know, so he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up, placed a paw on the pastor's head, and began to howl.

The pastor was distraught. "We'll have to return the dog; he's Pentecostal."

[_collegeterrace]

What Religion Is Your Bra?

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
And the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

And the Mormon type covers up secrets like the masonic symbols on the breasts.....

[_Gazelam]

Gnaw that old bone Porter, while ignoring the fact that the symbols pre-date the Masons. The symbols show up in chinese graves, wrapped in egyptian mummies, and adorn the walls of Iraqi temples. Get a clue

ya goofus

[_Jersey Girl]

Porter

And the Mormon type covers up secrets like the masonic symbols on the breasts.....

Hey!

Folks are tryin' to have some fun here, buddy. Pot shots are not worthy of this thread.

[_Gazelam]

Jersey,

Folks are tryin' to have some fun here, buddy.

I love that dog joke I found. I was tellin that one to my work buddies today and was giggling about it all day.

RayA,

heres a kid one for ya:

"Granpa, were you on Noahs ark?"

upset by the insinuation "No, I was not on Noahs ark"

"Then why wasn't you drowned?"

[_Ray A]

RayA,

heres a kid one for ya:

"Granpa, were you on Noahs ark?"

upset by the insinuation "No, I was not on Noahs ark"

"Then why wasn't you drowned?"

I like this one:

A Sunday School teacher, having trouble finding subjects to talk
about, was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his
time on the Ark.
A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
A boy countered, "With only two worms????"

[_Ray A]

IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY......

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going
to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all
flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding
you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for
an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm cloud covered the earth
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me! Cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each
kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified
me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corp. of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."

[_Yoda]

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."

OMG! I LOVE this, Ray! Hilarious!!!!

[_Ray A]

OMG! I LOVE this, Ray! Hilarious!!!!

Laughter is the best medicine.

[_Gazelam]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Kleptomaniac and a Mormon?


A: A basement full of stolen food.