The drama and self absorption of a Mormon parent.

[_Elphaba]

My mother called and read this article to me as she sobbed on the phone. And then she apologized for not raising me with a strong enough testimony.

Wow. The "drama and self-absorption of a Mormon parent," indeed. That sounds just awful.

I have not had any of my very TBM family do anything like that to me; however, I have had some of them ask me why I left. My response has always been I'd be glad to tell them if they're really interested, but if their goal is to convince me to reconvert, then I choose not to discuss it. Only one of them said he was really interested in why, but it soon became obvious that wasn't the case, and I ended the discussion.

If someone acted with me the way you're mother did with you about leaving the Church, my response would be similar to what Chap wrote above. I'll repeat it here so you don't have to hunt for it. He's responding to a TBM's question "How do we cope with these painful feelings when family members choose to leave the Church? There are several things we can do." Chap replies:

And one of those might be to ask yourselves [annie, this would be your mother] how it could be that those decent, loving and intelligent young people you raised [annie, this is you] might have come to the conclusion that the CoJCoLDS is one of the things they would rather leave at home when they move out into the world.

Maybe even consider the possibility that their perspective might not be completely unreasonable and perverse?

Talk with them about it, even? (As in' "Talk with them", not as in "Bear testimony at them, weep at them, lament that you must have failed as a parent, ask them why they want to break their parents' hearts" and so on.)

So, I'm wondering if you could say something like the above to your mother in response to her phone call, or if you're not up to it, if she happens to call you sobbing again in the future? I just really despise this sort of manipulation (I don't doubt the pain is real, but it IS also manipulation).

Elphaba

[_sock puppet]

I find it sad, if not pathetic, that TBM parents let the church make them feel that their worth--success or failure--is measured by a child's level of involvement with the church. How about grandchildren? About four years after I apostatized, I once went to a party at the apartment of a granddaughter of the then prophet. There were all sorts of substances consumed at her apartment that night. She supplied most of them to her guests. I was so wasted (one of my first times having more than just one beer), I was one of 3 guests she let crash on the floor until morning. I woke up at one point in the night to see her giving one of the other guys there a blow job. Does this mean that the prophet failed her as a grandfather? Had he failed as a parent that his child did not know how to in turn raise his children (the grandchildren) to be uptight Mormons too?

The fact is, every human is independent, has autonomy of thought inside his cranium, and chooses his own way. Even the child raised by a TBM parent that chooses to be a TBM himself makes that choice as a human being separate from his parent. Children are not appendages of parents. They are individuals. They are not property of the parent. I see many religious people, mainly Mormons because that is the predominant religion in my locale, that treat their children as if property items, that the parent owns them, and live their lives through the children when kids because the parents have not developed adult interests.

[_sunstoned]

How do we cope with these painful feelings when family members choose to leave the Church? There are several things we can do.

And one of those might be to ask yourselves how it could be that those decent, loving and intelligent young people you raised might have come to the conclusion that the CoJCoLDS is one of the things they would rather leave at home when they move out into the world.

Maybe even consider the possibility that their perspective might not be completely unreasonable and perverse?

Talk with them about it, even? (As in' "Talk with them", not as in "Bear testimony at them, weep at them, lament that you must have failed as a parent, ask them why they want to break their parents' hearts" and so on.)

When I left the church my parents acted similar to the parent in this article. They tried everything, testimony, calls to my bishop, even guilt. They never got around to asking the reasons for decision. Not once did they ask. Later I had found that they told my siblings the reasons I left was because I got my feelings hurt. There you go. How do you reason with that.