Moniker wrote:If a woman was hit by a man and cried about it for a few days would the men have the same reaction? Or is it different 'cause she was SEXUALLY assaulted?
If a woman was physically abused (without being sexually abused) by a man, I would have the same questions as I would for one who was sexually abused. Physical abuse can (but doesn't always--just like sexual abuse) create difficult issues to deal with. Same with emotional abuse too. I would have a few extra follow-up questions in all three cases and wouldn't have dismissed a woman from my possible marriage pool out-of-hand for it.
And again, I think it's important to keep in mind that the possibility of marriage is seen as a measurement of compatibility and personal taste, not a assesment of inherent worth.
If your wife was mugged would you have a different reaction then if she was raped?
Moniker wrote:If your wife was mugged would you have a different reaction then if she was raped?
I don't know. It would probably depend in large part on my wife.
Would you view the experiences differently if they happen to you?
Don't most women think of being raped as far harder to deal with than being mugged? If not, then the only extra things I'd be worried about from my end on rape would be STDs and maybe pregnancy as she is quite scared of pregnancy.
That's General Leo. He could be my friend if he weren't my enemy. eritis sicut dii I support NCMO
Moniker wrote:If your wife was mugged would you have a different reaction then if she was raped?
I don't know. It would probably depend in large part on my wife.
Would you view the experiences differently if they happen to you?
Don't most women think of being raped as far harder to deal with than being mugged? If not, then the only extra things I'd be worried about from my end on rape would be STDs and maybe pregnancy as she is quite scared of pregnancy.
I'm sure I'd have a different reaction! Yet, Shades was saying this wasn't about SEX! This discussion IS about sex! How women are impacted by sexual assault -- I was trying to point that out to him!!!
Sam Harris wrote:Stop fixing. Just love. Simple. Realize that you cannot fix, but if you love, you can help the person to heal themselves.
This is oversimplifying things QUITE a bit. This is like telling a meth addict to "just stop doing it". Simple. Fact is, it's NOT simple.
I believe this is one of those gender boundaries that we will never understand. A woman wants to nurture and heal, which is what I see you projecting here, Sammy. Conversely, like Nehor said, it is INCREDIBLY difficult for a man to just sit back and let the healing happen naturally. We're just not good at loving and nurturing. We want to fix it. If we can't, we feel useless.
This doesn't make men bad. It just makes us men.
No, it doesn't make it too simple. Put down the toolbox. I'm a human. If you want to, you can listen. You can't solve the problem, but you can hold me, you can listen to me talk, you can support me. But no, you can't always make it all better.
I know this because I'm going through it. And my SO isn't sitting back at all, he's actively engaged.
There are ways to be involved without feeling like you have to be captain of the ship.
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. -Ghandi
Moniker wrote:If a woman was hit by a man and cried about it for a few days would the men have the same reaction? Or is it different 'cause she was SEXUALLY assaulted?
If a woman was physically abused (without being sexually abused) by a man, I would have the same questions as I would for one who was sexually abused. Physical abuse can (but doesn't always--just like sexual abuse) create difficult issues to deal with. Same with emotional abuse too. I would have a few extra follow-up questions in all three cases and wouldn't have dismissed a woman from my possible marriage pool out-of-hand for it.
And again, I think it's important to keep in mind that the possibility of marriage is seen as a measurement of compatibility and personal taste, not a assesment of inherent worth.
It's more than ok to have questions. My future mate would have to know about my abuse, in fact there's a lot that I haven't revealed up until now. Most of my abuse was physical. But maybe my situation is different because I put myself in therapy, I was determined that I wasn't going out like that...but if a kid could do it on her own...
Your last sentence says it all...but many people do see it as an assessment of inherent worth.
The problem in relationships is that many people do not want to be alone. So they tend to try to be who they think their mate wants them to be. They go into relationships fragmented (and these are the "whole" people, those who haven't been abused), and all sorts of problems arise. Then it falls apart, and it's all the fault of "men" or all the fault of "women"...and really if people were to spend more time alone (romantically) and in introspection, a lot of these problems could be solved.
My current relationship I was not looking for. I ran from it until I couldn't anymore. I'm kind of glad I did.
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. -Ghandi
Sam Harris wrote: Um, why can't romance and Jesus be compatible?
Sami, I have always thought you should be a writer and I think this is a genre with a huge market potential. Is Fabio too old to portray Jesus on the cover?
Sam Harris wrote:There are ways to be involved without feeling like you have to be captain of the ship.
There are ways to participate in a theatre production without being onstage. Still doesn't mean that the actors would be good makeup artists too.
I have a hard time listening to something if I know that I'm not supposed to say anything to offer other insight. I don't have to fix the problem per-se, but if I know that all I'm supposed to do is listen without trying to offer my own understanding, experience, or insight, it's hard for me. It feels like I'm a useless waste--that you're just talking to a brick wall.
That's General Leo. He could be my friend if he weren't my enemy. eritis sicut dii I support NCMO
Moniker wrote:I'm sure I'd have a different reaction! Yet, Shades was saying this wasn't about SEX! This discussion IS about sex! How women are impacted by sexual assault -- I was trying to point that out to him!!!
I thought it was about which/what issues from one's past qualify or disqualify someone as a potential marriage partner and why. Abuse was just the certain issue which we happened to be focusing on, I thought.
moksha wrote:Are there people out there without baggage of some sort?
Probably not. But it's the extent to which one's baggage has a palpable effect on one's potential spouse that's at issue.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"
Sam Harris wrote:No, it doesn't make it too simple. Put down the toolbox. I'm a human. If you want to, you can listen. You can't solve the problem, but you can hold me, you can listen to me talk, you can support me. But no, you can't always make it all better.
Again, gender differences. It's really NOT that easy. Just as it's not easy to tell a man to not get turned on by visual stimulation.
I know this because I'm going through it. And my SO isn't sitting back at all, he's actively engaged.
Great for him. Some men do better at this than others. I don't do so well with it. Therefore, knowing myself and my limitations on what I am able to provide, I know the kind of girl that would make a good match for me.
There are ways to be involved without feeling like you have to be captain of the ship.
I don't think anyone was saying men have to be in control. Just that "listening" without wanting to fix is a foreign concept to most men. It sounds like you have found a man that can listen and be a support to you. That is GREAT! I'm really glad! It's all about compatibility.
If there's one thing I've learned from this board, it's that consensual sex with multiple partners is okay unless God commands it. - Abman
I find this place to be hostile toward all brands of stupidity. That's why I like it. - Some Schmo