consiglieri wrote:
So, now to the point. Any advice?
All the Best!
--Consiglieri
Speaking as one who was just on the receiving end of of a very clumsy religious intervention attempted long-distance by a horde of in-laws, I would suggest that you just continue to honor your daughter as the individual you raised her to be, nurture the relationship, and make sure that she feels comfortable talking to you openly.
My parents took that approach. It hasn't brought me back to the fold, but it has enabled a mutual respect and understanding in the face of vastly different intellectual commitments. Plus, knowing that their relationship with me clearly is not driven by a gospel agenda, makes me feel exceptionally loved.
I've always been close to my mother, and me leaving the church changed our relationship-- it had to. We had to learn to talk about different things, and to not take mutual belief for granted. My mother has made an effort to understand the informal logical fallacies (as I requested) and has done some reading on critical thinking so that she could better understand my perspective (and major props to her for that-- all while being Relief Society Prez).
At the same time, I still talk with my mother about church, understand the lingo, certainly haven't forgotten scripture-stories etc., and my mother shares with me stuff about her calling and we talk about her beliefs and what they accomplish for her. And-- she has been completely supportive of my participation in a local UU congregation. She is just happy that I am engaged in a community of people that are doing good in the world and she has been very interested in the programs and classes offered.
Although I know that me leaving the church behind has probably been the most painful experience of her life, she has respected me nonetheless and our relationship has become something different, and actually more personal, than it was before when we agreed on just about everything. It's wonderful to have a parent like that (and I have two!). I know it can't be easy for her-- she knows what she wants for me-- and I love and respect her for letting me find my own way-- and for being willing to grow personally enough to still be able to talk with me. It wasn't easy. It was scary as hell. And she did it-- because she loves me.
My in-laws have chosen a different route. Although we have never tried to deconvert anyone, and we have been respectful and polite, they aren't comfortable talking with us about our "church issues" at all. Besides the occasional emotional outburst, it doesn't come up (at least not while we are present). It's the elephant in the room-- breathing heavily down our necks. They're clearly not comfortable with the give and take of substantial dialogue.
They have made no effort to understand us. Any religious discussion has been one-sided-- we're expected to hear them out, but not respond. If they accidentally get curious and ask a question, they shut us down as soon as we begin to answer. We couldn't even bring up our participation in the UU community without my mother-in-law freaking out completely and using it as an opportunity to witness to us of her beliefs in her church along with the obvious inferiority of all others.
This morning we received a surprise belated Christmas package from them. In the package was a series of letters- one from each of the believing family members- bearing testimony, imploring us to return to the fold, and challenging us to read the Book of Mormon within a set period of time. If I were in an especially nasty mood, and the letters weren't from people I know and love, I'd be tempted to post them on RfM and subject them to the ridicule they would surely get from my friends there. The package also included a painstakingly-crafted, personalized, dated reading journal with reading assignments divvied up, and a little room for our "thoughts and feelings". We each got an official 'LDS Scripture Marker' pencil, and a bookmark that had all the chapters on it so that we could cross them off as we progressed.
Now, I do understand their motives-- that it was a gesture from their very hearts, meant with sincerity and love. And I'll appreciate that for what it is. But, it was also wildly inappropriate-- as inappropriate as it would be for me to send them a load of critical thinking books and challenge them to read them on a given schedule. I do believe they would benefit from them greatly. I believe our relationships would be improved if they understood and memorized my twenty-five favorite informal logical fallacies. But it is just not my business. They haven't asked for my input, and we're not close enough that I would dare to offer it uninvited-- it would be unacceptable, and insulting. They have my phone number, they know I've got a Philosophy degree, and they know that critical thinking and logic are my bread and butter. If they want to talk about it, I'll leave it to them to bring it up. I respect that their religious convictions are deeply personal they don't have to meet my approval.
I'll love them anyway, but by choosing to focus consistently on our rejection of their religious beliefs, and refusing to even attempt to understand us, they've managed to behave very badly and just alienate us further. They haven't respected us as individuals with personal boundaries. They haven't respected us as a family unit of our own.
I hope this doesn't sound angry-- I'm not really close enough with his family to be particularly offended on a personal level. Plus the cultural divide between us has always been a real problem (I'm not from Utah). It's just another swing and a miss on their part, and a slightly annoyed sigh on mine.
All this to emphasize my main point, which is just to focus on the relationship and respect her as an adult and individual, capable of thinking for herself. Be as willing to listen, understand, and change your mind as much as you would like her to be. Don't be afraid to have the hard, honest, conversations. When conversations don't end well, have another one and leave it in a better spot. Negotiate a new relationship, and if she returns, that's great, and if not, then you've still got a rich and rewarding relationship with your daughter and you're able to share your lives with each other in healthy and mutually-beneficial ways.
Sorry about the length-- I've had this on the brain lately.