who needs to know?

[_moksha]

.

Are there people out there without baggage of some sort?

Probably not. But it's the extent to which one's baggage has a palpable effect on one's potential spouse that's at issue.

Makes sense. You would not want your wife going over the limit at the airport.

[_harmony]

Can we talk about the "damaged goods" thing? Because I think we've pretty much aired everyone's opinion about the tell-don't tell thing and I appreciate all the comments.

Is a woman who was sexually abused as a child (the abuse stopped at some point prior to her twelfth birthday) "damaged goods" in the eyes of priesthood holders? Will she always be damaged in their eyes? Even though she never was a willing participant and is a virgin and innocent, at what point does she get to move past being "damaged"?

[_Scottie]

Harmony, may I ask you a question...

What, exactly, are these men saying to your daughter?

Are they actually coming right out and saying, "I don't want to date you because of your past abuses"? Or are the insinuating as much? Or are they not giving a reason and your daughter assuming that is why?

I know that whenever I bring something like this up, I always hate when people tell me they have NEVER heard of this happening. I have no doubt that there are men like this, but I honestly can't think of a single one of my LDS friends where this single issue would be a deal breaker for them.

[_harmony]

Harmony, may I ask you a question...

What, exactly, are these men saying to your daughter?

Are they actually coming right out and saying, "I don't want to date you because of your past abuses"? Or are the insinuating as much? Or are they not giving a reason and your daughter assuming that is why?

I know that whenever I bring something like this up, I always hate when people tell me they have NEVER heard of this happening. I have no doubt that there are men like this, but I honestly can't think of a single one of my LDS friends where this single issue would be a deal breaker for them.

I have no recording of their conversation. All she said is that as soon as she told them about the abuse, they bailed. Kinda hard to not make a direction correlation between the two actions.

[_Scottie]

Harmony, may I ask you a question...

What, exactly, are these men saying to your daughter?

Are they actually coming right out and saying, "I don't want to date you because of your past abuses"? Or are the insinuating as much? Or are they not giving a reason and your daughter assuming that is why?

I know that whenever I bring something like this up, I always hate when people tell me they have NEVER heard of this happening. I have no doubt that there are men like this, but I honestly can't think of a single one of my LDS friends where this single issue would be a deal breaker for them.

I have no recording of their conversation. All she said is that as soon as she told them about the abuse, they bailed. Kinda hard to not make a direction correlation between the two actions.

How long had they been dating before she told them?

You're right, that does seem awfully hard to make a case for it NOT being the abuse that scared them away.

How old were these boys?

[_harmony]

Harmony, may I ask you a question...

What, exactly, are these men saying to your daughter?

Are they actually coming right out and saying, "I don't want to date you because of your past abuses"? Or are the insinuating as much? Or are they not giving a reason and your daughter assuming that is why?

I know that whenever I bring something like this up, I always hate when people tell me they have NEVER heard of this happening. I have no doubt that there are men like this, but I honestly can't think of a single one of my LDS friends where this single issue would be a deal breaker for them.

I have no recording of their conversation. All she said is that as soon as she told them about the abuse, they bailed. Kinda hard to not make a direction correlation between the two actions.

How long had they been dating before she told them?

You're right, that does seem awfully hard to make a case for it NOT being the abuse that scared them away.

How old were these boys?

Not boys; men 25-30. Old enough to know better, in my opinion. But then, what do I know? I'm just the mom who gets to stand on the sidelines and never say a word. The current one (she used to go through men so fast we referred to them as the Flavor of the Week, then she dated one guy for over 2 years. She finally told him, and he immediately bailed... moved to Utah where the women are all pure and virginal) anyway... the current one is still in the picture, even after she told him. They see each other 3-4 times a week.

The problem with the non-LDS men is that it seems that most non-LDS men around here don't want to date an LDS woman... or at least, they don't want to date one that doesn't drink, doesn't party, and doesn't sleep around. She's kinda funny that way. She used to have a non-LDS roommate. They'd hit the bars every Friday night, and the roommate would have a few while Jael would stick to soft drinks. But neither one would go home with a guy, because neither one would sleep around. So the roommate moved back home with her parents 6 months ago so she could save up to buy a house, and guess who is moving home at the end of March, so she can save up for the downpayment on a house? You guessed it. Maybe I'll finally get the meet the guy? I've only seen him from a distance, so far.

[Analytics]

Can we talk about the "damaged goods" thing? Because I think we've pretty much aired everyone's opinion about the tell-don't tell thing and I appreciate all the comments.

Is a woman who was sexually abused as a child (the abuse stopped at some point prior to her twelfth birthday) "damaged goods" in the eyes of priesthood holders? Will she always be damaged in their eyes? Even though she never was a willing participant and is a virgin and innocent, at what point does she get to move past being "damaged"?

I don't think of abused women as "damaged goods" firstly because women aren't goods and secondly because each is an individual. The wounds of abuse can heal--it doesn't scar everyone for life.

Come to think of it, I believe I know a poster at MADB who suffered sexual abuse once in her childhood. I think she's a lot of fun--I wouldn't have considered her damaged in any way. Sure, I don't know what she's like in real life, but I didn't suddenly think she was a pariah because she was abused. Her personality does not display a victim mentality. From what you say of your daughter, I imagine her to be similar. Yet again, I haven't met her in real life.

[_asbestosman]

moved to Utah where the women are all pure and virginal

Your daughter is at least as pure and virginal as Utah women. Furthermore, the poor delusional fool may soon find that lots of Utah woman have also suffered sexual abuse.

[_Roger Morrison]

Harmony, i am so very sorry for both You and Jaine (if i have her name correct) and the story of your dealings with these abhorent physical and psyche assaults. I'm in tears for you both...that's all i can do for you.

As to your question: My other question is... how deeply ingrained is this abhorrance of abuse victims in LDS men? Or men in general?

Seem we might be referring to two different species. I belong to the "general" group. Having a pre-LDS existance, as well as a post-LDS life. In my early experience, the the 'Virgin Myth' was, generally speaking, a pubescent ideal fostered when little-boys could not imagine THEIR mother ever doing "that"!
(Of course times have changed, for the better.)

However, in the real world little-boys grew up to be normal, and unknowingly applied a Jesus principle of seeing no wrong in accepting a person as they are: "Love/charity conquers all". IMSCO, your daughter has not found a man worthy of her. Any so-called friend who flees reality leaves behind a very lucky person.

As for "telling", it is a personal decision, in my opinion, as to IF, WHEN, WHO &/or WHY...

It is most unfortunate that LDSism, in your part of its domain is still so corrupted by its Victorian roots. Not quite so bad in other parts of the world, at least in my experience. Thanks for sharing this, while undoubdly painful, the good eminating from its details is beyond your knowing. Warm regards, Roger

[_The Nehor]

Not boys; men 25-30. Old enough to know better, in my opinion. But then, what do I know? I'm just the mom who gets to stand on the sidelines and never say a word. The current one (she used to go through men so fast we referred to them as the Flavor of the Week, then she dated one guy for over 2 years. She finally told him, and he immediately bailed... moved to Utah where the women are all pure and virginal) anyway... the current one is still in the picture, even after she told him. They see each other 3-4 times a week.

Men are just boys with delusions of grandeur.