jason,
I hope you are right, and the church's approach to abuse is different than it was when I was an active member. I went to every single bishop I had to get help. In my time period in the church, in my particular area, there tended to be mistrust towards the professional psychological community in the first place. Most members I knew, including me, first went to the bishop. When that obviously didn't help, we tried LDS social service counselor, which was another dismal failure. I really wonder if that individual had any decent training at all. He was completely, and I mean completely, clueless and easily manipulated by my lying husband. I only broke down and went to a *real* therapist when I couldn't stand the thought of my life continuing the way it was.
The bishops I had were utterly clueless in terms of abuse - even physical abuse, much less the harder to grasp verbal abuse, which really is just as damaging. Posters are asking what the women wanted the bishop to do, well I can tell you what I wanted the bishop to do. I wanted him to counsel my HUSBAND and make him STOP. I absolutely viewed this as a worthiness issue on his part, but obviously the bishops didn't. I remember two events in particular. One was at the very beginning of my marriage, when I really should have gotten OUT. Part of my husband's abuse and illness was to hyper-focus on my body. By his own words, he told me my body should feel "like a statue" under his hands. Not a single bump anywhere. I had a very good figure anyway, but he wanted absolute perfection - you know, the airbrushed kind that can't be achieved in REAL life where we're dealing with PEOPLE, not statues or pictures. So although I was already underweight, according to the charts, he wanted me to lose even more weight. I already exercised like a fanatic and watched what I ate, so I had to literally starve myself to lose more, so I went on OTC diet pills. When I look at pictures of myself during that time period, I am almost shocked. My arms were twigs already, and I was on DIET PILLS? Although I hid the worst of what was happening, my parents figured out enough to be concerned, and called my bishop and asked him to talk to me. I shared some of what was going on, in particular the body thing - and he literally - and I do mean literally - patted me on the hand and praised me for being such a good wife I was willing to go the extra mile. That was it. He and my husband became golfing buddies, and he called my husband to be his counselor after that incident.
The second I remember vividly happened years later, after I'd had three children. I was at my wit's end, and knew my husband's behavior was damaging them, too - yet I didn't feel justified divorcing him, due to the church's teachings on the horrors of divorce. So I, once again, went to the new bishop, thinking maybe this one would see that my children and I were living in hell, and would use his influence to persuade my husband to STOP. I shared some details of my husband's frightening, volatile rages, and his unpredictability, and cruel speech. This bishop told me this was "locker room" behavior and most men act this way, and we women are just not used to it and are too sensitive. He told me to talk to his wife for advice, which I did on a temple trip we were both on shortly thereafter. From our conversation, it became clear to me that the bishop was treating his wife almost as badly as my husband was treating me. I don't remember if she used the word "abuse", but she clearly implied it, by saying "the cycle has to stop here". But her approach was certainly not "stopping the cycle" - I know because I used to try it. She would forgive and try to forget, and just remove herself from him when he was ballistic. Of course, my husband would chase me when *I* tried to get away.
Beastie
First I want to say I am so sad for what happened to you and for all the awful things you went through. I am sorry you did not get the help you need. I had something happen to me when I was fourteen that was abuse by an adult male who was my boss at a job I had. I went to my bishop about this. He counseled me fairly well on the fact that this was not my fault. But from there I think he just did not know what to do. There were no legal actions-the guy should have gone to jail-I was not his only victim. But bishops were just clueless and society was even much different about this then.
I think things are better and getting better. I just cannot imagine any bishop acting like this today about what you went through. At least they have better direction and resources.
And really, bishops are not trained to COUNSEL people, even though every LDS I've ever knew thought that was part of their job, and they were inspired to do so. But the church ought never have to encourage members to think otherwise.
Well now they are to use the hotline and refer to counselors. LDS Family Services is recommended if available and I think they are much better too. At least the two in my area seem competent. But a bishop can refer to other therapists as well.