Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_jo1952]

For want of bus fare, I remain ponyless.

I made a bad choice. I should never have started singing about rainbows.

Forgive me.......

[_Bret Ripley]

For want of bus fare, I remain ponyless.

I made a bad choice. I should never have started singing about rainbows.

Forgive me.......

Oh, I'll forgive you. Can't speak for the pony.

[_ludwigm]

It mayeth be that neither Ludwigm or his parents sinned.

Verily, verily, I should use my authority! Who hath ears to hear, let me hear!
...
Ludwigm again, if you got it. He is a sinner. We all know him, I don't understand anything of what he writes, a little less than three-fifths. Jokes inclusive.

The debate is over. (viewtopic.php?p=625391#p625391)



I may have a back door...

Forget what I and what others have said ... we spoke with a limited knowledge.

[Guest]

Section 150

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 24 August 2012. As a consequence of some people on the board having dietary habits of which other board members did not approve, certain board members were led to ponder on the matter; consequently, they inquired of the Lord concerning it. And it turns out that what they thought we should or should not eat just happened to be what the Lord thought as well. This revelation, known as the Sealed Portion of the Word of Wisdom, was the result.

1-4, the Lord has to make his mind up which seat can he take; 5-7, we’re not quite sure where He was going with these verses; 8-12, the Lord announces that the Board gets to have the part of the Word of Wisdom that had not been previously revealed; 13-14, the perils of girly drinks and stomping grapes; 15-16, the chewing tobacco demographic is not pleasing to the Lord; 17-22, herbs do not fear the reaper; 23-30, the Lord relents and says we can eat all the meat we want; 31-40, Well, what ya got?; 41-45, Fruity Pebbles are ordained of God; 46-47, apparently each animal has its own special grain; 48-52, wonderful promises for those who keep this commandment that isn’t a commandment.

1. Behold, it is Friday, even Friday,
2. And I, the Lord, have got to get down on Friday,
3. Yea, everybody is looking forward to the weekend,
4. Even the weekend;
5. And now I, the Lord (in case ye have forgotten who is speaking here) give unto this, my board, that part of the Word of Wisdom which was sealed up until there was sufficient faith on Jah-oh-eh, which being interpreted meaneth the earth, or in other words the place on which ye dwell under the firmament that I have created,
6. Yea, the planet that I have organized, which shall fulfill the measure of its creation, that it may.......now where was I?
7. (The Lord?)
8. O, that is right: the sealed portion of the Word of Wisdom. Yea, and this is to be sent by greeting; not by commandment or constraint, unless at some point I, the Lord, shall have need of yet another arbitrary mechanism of separating the sheep from the goats, or the wheat from the tares; which, being interpreted, meaneth "ingroup" from "outgroup";
9. And in that event ye shall apply these words as if they were a commandment, notwithstanding that I, the Lord, never did say as much,
10. Behold, and ye shall not apply all of these words, but instead cherry pick that which conforms to thine own personal preferences,
11. For cherry pick seemeth a good pun unto me when I am revealing my dietary laws; yea, I, the Lord, am a clever God;
12. And now I give unto you that portion of the Word of Wisdom that had been sealed up---
13. Inasmuch as any man drinketh hard lemonade or light beer, behold it is not manly, neither meet in the sight of other guys, only in assembling yourselves with females, if thou hast for an excuse that the girls were already drinking it, and thou just wanted to try some.
14. And, behold, ye may drink wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own stomping; nevertheless, ye shall not stomp the grape of the vine on ]the edge of a platform that has been raised high above the surface of Jah-oh-eh, or the earth.
15. And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man to chew, for it is white trash, and no longer cool in this, the last dispensation of time,
16. For verily, if thou are going to chew tobacco, why doest thou not grow a mullet and cruise around in a Trans Am listening to Def Leppard while thou art at it?
17. Nevertheless, tobacco is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle; wherefore, if thou shalt be in thy field, and Bessie thy cow shall be found sick, behold, give her a cigarette;
18. Yea, all herbs have I ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—
19. Whether it be garlic, which is ordained for use in pasta sauce, as well as for the healing of the sick, and for the repelling of vampires,
20. Or those herbs that are grown in the closet under an ultraviolet lamp, for various medical uses,
21. Or many other herbs ye may use for all manner of illnesses,
22. But behold, if thou has got a fever, then the only prescription shall be: more cowbell!
23. And I say unto you again, that at one point did I say that flesh of beasts and of the fowls of the air are to be used sparingly;
24. But it came to pass that there was not really anybody who paid attention to this, notwithstanding the point behind it being a reverence for that life that I, the Lord, have created upon the earth (notwithstanding that I, the Lord, forgot to mention fishes),
25. Yea, and ye do not appreciate that this was really a lot of work; yea, ye do take it for granted,
26. Behold, hast thou ever tried hunting around in a big bucket of Lego's for just the right piece that thou needest to make something? Yea, now imagine doing likewise in an entire universe full of pre-existing matter,
27. And for this wise did I eventually get tired of looking around, and did even use some pieces of matter that still had dinosaur bones from other worlds that I had heretofore formed,
28. Nevertheless, if thou art determined to take me, the Lord, for granted, and the works of my hands also, then thou knowest what? Just do whither thou wantest. I, the Lord, give up.
29. Ye have read, if we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat? Verily, I, the Lord, can see thy point;
30. Wherefore, thou mayest eat the flesh of beast and the fowls of the air as seemeth thee good,
31. Yea, egg and bacon,
32. Egg, sausage and bacon,
33. Egg and Spam,
34. Egg, bacon and Spam,
35. Egg, bacon, sausage, and Spam,
36. Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam,
37. Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon, and Spam,
38. Spam, sausage, Spam, Spam, bacon, Spam, tomato and Spam,
39. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
40. Spam, lovely Spam, Spam, wonderful Spam;
41. All grain is good for man, but plastic wood grain on thy dashboard is acceptable unto me also; nevertheless, only that which is most expensive an pretentious shalt thou use in my holy malls and office buildings and resorts in Hawaii, saith the Lord, for nothing is too good for me,
42. Yea, and also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—
43. Even though there is not a whole lot of fruit that groweth underground, and there may be some fruit that groweth on trees, not just vines,
44. Wherefore, if it is fruit, thou mayest partake of it, whether it be a banana, or a mango, or an apple, or Skittles, or Fruity Pebbles, or Starburst,
45. For fruit is chock full of vitamins, and it also giveth thee the power to know good and evil;
46. Nevertheless, wheat for man, that it may be milled into flour, such that they who partake exceedingly of donuts, and of brownies, and of pies, and all manner of pastries, are technically obeying the Word of Wisdom, and thus may look down their noses at he who hath a cup of coffee in the morning,
47. And corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and spelt for the aardvark, and millet for the camel, and rice for the zebra, and buckwheat for the llama, and quinoa for the buffalo, and sorghum for the antelope, and flaxseed for the kangaroo, and emmer for the mountain goat, and rye for the catcher,
48. And the members of this, my discussion board, who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones and blood in their veins and and lymph in their lymph nodes and Adenosine triphosphate in their cells,
49. And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures, which only Google, which, being interpreted, meaneth "Urim and Thummim," hath heretofore known,
50. And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint,
51. And they shall do whatever a spider can, and shall spin a web, any size, and they shall catch thieves just like flies,
52. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that I will not send an angel to murder them in the middle of the night. Amen.

[_SteelHead]

Keep your destroying murderous angels off me you damn dirty ape!

[_mercyngrace]

Adapted to the weakest of all saints...

[_The Mighty Builder]

You're an Ass Mormon Jesus. All this self serving for your servants and zilch for the poor and needy.

[_cwald]

Haha. Best revelation yet.

Sounds like Mormon Jesus had been hitting the bottle when he gave this revelation.

[_Sethbag]

O Mormon Jesus! Riddleth me this: who sinned, ludwigm or his parents, that he be afflicted with an image-ban?

Neither, but that the power of God may be made manifest unto all mankind.

[Guest]

Section 151

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 24 October 2012. Everyone had a bunch of questions and whatnot, and the Lord heard your prayers and stuff, and yadda, yadda, yadda, this revelation followed.

1-46, Look, I don't feel like doing this summary of what the verses say, because if I do, and something I say ends up being inconvenient later, then some apologist is just going to say that what I wrote up here wasn't part of the text of the scriptures, anyway. Because it's not like it's my job to explain and publish the scriptures or anything like that. Here's what the Lord said. If you don't like it, complain to Him, not me.

1. Hearken, ye people of my board, unto my word, even if ye do not really know what "hearken" meaneth,
2. Yea, it is even like unto the stripling warriors, of whom ye often speak, who were led by my servant Helaman,
3. And yet not five people on this board could tell me, the Lord, what "stripling" meaneth, leastwise for the first time in thy life thou lookest up the meaning of this word that thou hast so often used,
4. Nevertheless, my word is quick and powerful, and they who fail to pay heed shall shrink and become withered, even as the visage of Ann Coulter,
5. Yea, and those who reject my words shall be cut off from my presence, and if thou failest to repent, behold, we are never, ever, ever getting back together,
6. Thou mayest go talk to thy friends, talk to my friends, talk to me,
7. But we are never, ever, ever,
8. Getting back together.
9. For I, the Lord, must needs chasten the members of my board with an sore chastening,
10. Verily, I have unleashed Droopy upon you, and yet ye still have not recognized this sign that mine anger is kindled,
11. Yea, and the day will come when I will descend, clothed in light cotton, and shall reign among you, and ye shall have no moderator but the Lord,
12. And now I will speak unto you concerning certain questions that have been posed on this, my board,
13. For I, the Lord, lurk where thou knowest not, and command that ye shall not troll mine holy message board,
14. For I, the Lord, will troll whom I will troll, as in the case of Job, or Zion's Camp, or certain documents discovered by Anotonio Lebolo,
15. But of you it is required that ye not troll any man, and not any woman, either,
16. Behold, some have asked on this board whether my servant, Joseph Smith, Jr., had claimed to be my descendant,
17. And I say unto you, Joseph Smith is not my son,
18. He's just a boy who says that I am the one,
19. But the kid is not my son,
20. And unto my servant consiglieri, that what is pertinent to thy salvation is whatever I, the Lord, arbitrarily decide at any given moment is pertinent,
21. Therefore, thou canst just shut thy mouth and stop complaining,
22. For behold, I, the Lord, command all my creations, and they obey my word,
23. Verily, I, the Lord, formed the kangaroo specifically so that there was a beast of the field which sheweth that when I, the Lord, say jump, my creations ask how high,
24. And if I, the Lord, can form the kangaroo from the dust of the earth, and turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, then surely I can turn thee into the condiment of my choosing,
25. Wherefore, the question that consiglieri should ask himself is parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme?
26. For not a sparrow shall trace on snow covered ground, but thy Father in heaven shall know it,
27. And speaking of kangaroos, it is my will that RayAgostini shall calm down just a tad, and cease his fierce anger, lest he blow a gasket,
28. Behold, did not Lex Luthor tell General Zod that he desired to rule Australia? Did I not bring forth my servant, Crocodile Dundee, to shew the friendliness of the land down under?
29. Wherefore, be chill, my son, and know that I am God,
30. And unto my servant brade, behold I have heard thy prayers, and the answer is that thou should burn the evidence thoroughly if thou really thinketh that that clicking on thy phone is a wire tap,
31. And unto my handmaiden Mary, that alright, I will shew unto thee where thy car keys are this one more time, but verily, dost thou not think that thou art at about thy quota for this month?
32. And unto my handmaiden Blixa, thou has asked me in secret, and behold, "Critical Theory" is a little too abstract for a Halloween costume. Why canst thou not just dress up as a witch or a princess or something?
33. And unto my servant lostindc: verily, Barry Zito is overpaid, but it is pleasing to me, the Lord, that the Giants are prevailing over their enemies now that that fox Barry Bonds is gone,
34. Now again, I say unto this, my board, that some are wondering about the Anthon manuscript,
35. Behold, I, the Lord, have an answer for thee, but as having the answers to questions that make my gospel look questionable would destroy thy free agency, it is not meet that thou should really know anything,
36. For as long as thy check cleareth, that there may be meat in my house, all is well,
37. Now again, some of ye have marveled, that mine holy Corporation has said that ye should submit the names of thine ancestors, that their temple work may be done,
38. Yea, ye have marveled that the spirits of your ancestors are not very happy when they have to wait for their ordinances to be performed,'
39. Oh, if ye only knew the half of it; yea, day and night, they will not shut up, crying, Lord, when is our temple work going to be done? And why canst thou not just let us out of prison? Thou didst let Alvin Smith out, when he was not even baptized into thy Corporation!
40. And thus it behooveth me to tell these spirits that there is a sensible answer to their questions, but it would destroy their free agency to know anything,
41. Yea, I, the Lord am not thy car key finding genie, nor am I the complaint department, for even I am not above the policies that I have established,
42. Wherefore, trouble me no more on this matter for a few minutes, for my sake!
43. And since one day to me is a thousand years unto thee, that would make it about a century or so, reckoned by thy time,
44. And no more shall I say unto ye at this time. Go forth, ye people of my board, and let your light shine before men,
45. Shine bright like a diamond, yea, shine bright like a diamond,
46. For we are beautiful, like unto diamonds in the sky. Even so. Amen.