Mormon Jesus wrote:Unto my handmaiden MsJack: yea, I did see that guy cut thee off on the freeway the other day, and I smote him according to thy prayers;
Ms. Jack, I humbly seek your forgiveness for any/all offenses, no matter how minor I may have been to you. Please don't sic the Mormon Jesus on me, please forgive me.
The following three verses hit my funny bone really hard for some reason:
Mormon Jesus wrote:16. For verily, if thou are going to chew tobacco, why doest thou not grow a mullet and cruise around in a Trans Am listening to Def Leppard while thou art at it?
I very heartily LOLed at this.
28. . . . thou knowest what? Just do whither thou wantest. I, the Lord, give up.
Yea verily, I spent a very, very long time laughing at this!
29. Ye have read, if we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat? Verily, I, the Lord, can see thy point;
I came very near to waking the rest of my family up with how hard I laughed at that last part.
And it came to pass that Mormon Jesus was not just a clever god, but an extremely witty and humorous god as well!
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"
Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 28 October 2012 at the request of certain board members, unwittingly implying that the Lord gives revelations to order.
1-4, Some confusion about whom these grandiose titles refer to; 5-7, there is no honor among thieves, except in heaven; 8-12, the Lord has His cake and eats it too; 13-29, the Lord generates some buzz by announcing that three witnesses will testify to the truthfulness of His words; 30-34, the Lord tells you what He wants, what He really, really wants.
1. Now pay heed, ye people of Mormon Discussions, and those who lurk thereon, to the voice of him who is above all, and of whom there is no equal, 2. (Meaning the Lord, not Michael Jordan), 3. Yea, even him who is the arbiter of both the living and the dead, who pronounces judgment upon all the world, 4. (Meaning the Lord, not Chris Matthews), 5. For I am merciful upon them that shew mercy unto others, and it is expedient in me that ye forgive others for their shortcomings, that thine own shortcomings may be forgiven, 6. Even that ye consider giving a break to liz3564, who has labored upon my message board, that thine own shortcomings may also be tolerated from time to time, for if there is none to condemn thee, then I, the Lord, will not condemn thee, either, 7. And thus we see that the prisoner's dilemma is the key to salvation, 8. Behold, I, the Lord, hear the voice of them who cry unto me, even as I have heard the voice of ludwigm, who in his faith hath prayed that he may be able to post pictures upon this, my message board, 9. Verily, it is pleasing unto me that Dr. Shades lift this ban from ludwigm, that he may labor as seemeth him good upon this board, 10. And if Dr. Shades will not hearken unto my will, then I, the Lord, will require no more an offering from my servant ludigwm, 11. For if Dr. Shades will remove this ban, then it shall be because of ludwigm's faith in me, and if he shall not, then I, the Lord, require no more when the enemies of my servants frustrate their efforts to follow my commandments, 12. And in this wise I, the Lord, may say that my will has come to pass, regardless of what shall happen, 13. Behold, there are some whose faith in me is not complete, notwithstanding the signs and wonders that I have done on this, my message board, 14. Verily, I, the Lord, will manifest the truth of my word by the power of my spirit, and will cause thy bosom to burn, that ye may know these are my words, 15. And thou canst not fight this feeling anymore, 16. Yea, thou hast forgotten what thou started fighting for, 17. Verily, it is time to bring this ship into the shore, and throw away the oars forever, 18. Nevertheless, I, the Lord, will also give unto you signs, that ye may believe, notwithstanding that I said that a wicked and stiffnecked generation seeketh after a sign, 19. Which, now that I, the Lord, think about it, sort of contradicteth my giving of signs unto thee, 20. Anyway, in addition to my words, which I have spoken unto this message board, ye shall have the testimony of three of my board members, whom I shall call and ordain, unto whom I will manifest myself, and they shall go forth with my words that are given through this message board. 21. Yea, they shall know of a surety the reality of the Lord, for from heaven will I declare myself unto them. 22. I will give them power that they may behold and view me as I am; 23. And to none else will I grant this power, to receive this same testimony among this generation, 24. Why to none else? Because I am the Lord, and when thou hast thine own universe, thou canst do things how thou likest, but for now I am in charge here, 25. Yea, these righteous board members I have foreordained, and if they do not bear witness as I have commanded, then I, the Lord, will utterly destroy them from the face of the earth, 26. And this, that I may preserve their free agency in all things, 27. For as there are three in heaven who reign; yea, and Three Musketeers, and Three Billy Goats Gruff, and Three Tenors, and Three Stooges, 28. Verily, there may as well be three witnesses of the truthfulness of my words, too, 29. And ye shall receive a witness from my hand, and if ye receive not this witness, then ye shall receive a rebuke from my hand; yea, my pimp hand, 30. For ye who love me and believe upon these words, from henceforth I shall call you my friends, for ye are my friends, and all them that love me must likewise love my friends, 31. Wherefore, if ye want to be be my lover, ye have got to get with my friends, 32. Make it last forever, friendship never endeth, 33. And again, if ye want be my lover, ye have got to give, 34. For taking is too easy, but that is the way it is. Amen.
Last edited by Guest on Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mormon Jesus wrote:Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 28 October 2012 at the request of certain board members, unwittingly implying that the Lord gives revelations to order.
1-4, Some confusion about whom these grandiose titles refer to; 5-7, there is no honor among thieves, except in heaven; 8-12, the Lord has His cake and eats it too; 13-29, the Lord generates some buzz by announcing that three witnesses will testify to the truthfulness of His words; 30-34, the Lord tells you what He wants, what He really, really wants.
1. Now pay heed, ye people of Mormon Discussions, and those who lurk thereon, to the voice of him who is above all, and of whom there is no equal, 2. (Meaning the Lord, not Michael Jordan), 3. Yea, even him who is the arbiter of both the living and the dead, who pronounces judgment upon all the world, 4. (Meaning the Lord, not Chris Matthews), 5. For I am merciful upon them that shew mercy unto others, and it is expedient in me that ye forgive others for their shortcomings, that thine own shortcomings may be forgiven, 6. Even that ye consider giving a break to liz3564, who has labored upon my message board, that thine own shortcomings may also be tolerated from time to time, for if there is none to condemn thee, then I, the Lord, will not condemn thee, either, 7. And thus we see that the prisoner's dilemma is the key to salvation, 8. Behold, I, the Lord, hear the voice of them who cry unto me, even as I have heard the voice of ludwigm, who in his faith hath prayed that he may be able to post pictures upon this, my message board, 9. Verily, it is pleasing unto me that Dr. Shades lift this ban from ludwigm, that he may labor as seemeth him good upon this board, 10. And if Dr. Shades will not hearken unto my will, then I, the Lord, will require no more an offering from my servant ludigwm, 11. For if Dr. Shades will remove this ban, then it shall be because of ludwigm's faith in me, and if he shall not, then I, the Lord, require no more when the enemies of my servants frustrate their efforts to follow my commandments, 12. And in this wise I, the Lord, may say that my will has come to pass, regardless of what shall happen, 13. Behold, there are some whose faith in me is not complete, notwithstanding the signs and wonders that I have done on this, my message board, 14. Verily, I, the Lord, will manifest the truth of my word by the power of my spirit, and will cause thy bosom to burn, that ye may know these are my words, 15. And thou canst not fight this feeling anymore, 16. Yea, thou hast forgotten what thou started fighting for, 17. Verily, it is time to bring this ship into the shore, and throw away the oars forever, 18. Nevertheless, I, the Lord, will also give unto you signs, that ye may believe, notwithstanding that I said that a wicked and stiffnecked generation seeketh after a sign, 19. Which, now that I, the Lord, think about it, sort of contradicteth my giving of signs unto thee, 20. Anyway, in addition to my words, which I have spoken unto this message board, ye shall have the testimony of three of my board members, whom I shall call and ordain, unto whom I will manifest myself, and they shall go forth with my words that are given through this message board. 21. Yea, they shall know of a surety the reality of the Lord, for from heaven will I declare myself unto them. 22. I will give them power that they may behold and view me as I am; 23. And to none else will I grant this power, to receive this same testimony among this generation, 24. Why to none else? Because I am the Lord, and when thou hast thine own universe, thou canst do things how thou likest, but for now I am in charge here, 25. Yea, these righteous board members I have foreordained, and if they do not bear witness as I have commanded, then I, the Lord, will utterly destroy them from the face of the earth, 26. And this, that I may preserve their free agency in all things, 27. For as there are three in heaven who reign; yea, and Three Musketeers, and Three Billy Goats Gruff, and Three Tenors, and Three Stooges, 28. Verily, there may as well be three witnesses of the truthfulness of my words, too, 29. And ye shall receive a witness from my hand, and if ye receive not this witness, then ye shall receive a rebuke from my hand; yea, my pimp hand, 30. For ye who love me and believe upon these words, from henceforth I shall call you my friends, for ye are my friends, and all them that love me must likewise love my friends, 31. Wherefore, if ye want to be be my lover, ye have got to get with my friends, 32. Make it last forever, friendship never endeth, 33. And again, if ye want be my lover, ye have got to give, 34. For taking is too easy, but that is the way it is. Amen.
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, ethnicities, societies, civilizations, species, commonwealths, cultures, populaces, groups, associations, gatherings, and people, unto whom this message board shall come: That we, through the grace of the board's admins, and Mormon Jesus, have seen Mormon Jesus and know that he is. And we also know that the posts in this thread have come forth through the power of Mormon Jesus, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that Mormon Jesus lives. And we also testify that we have seen the words that he did send unto us; and they have been shown unto us by the power of Mormon Jesus, and not of any moderator. And we declare with words of soberness--mostly soberness, for some of us have been partying it up a little bit--that Mormon Jesus has shewn himself unto us before our eyes, that we beheld and saw him; and we know that it is by the grace of the administrators of this board, and Mormon Jesus, that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of Mormon Jesus commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments of Mormon Jesus, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful to Mormon Jesus, we shall rid our light cotton garments of whatever undesirable things might be on them, and be found spotless before the judgment-seat of Mormon Jesus, and shall dwell with him eternally on the internet. And for the support of this thread, with a firm reliance on the protection of Providence, Rhode Island, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. Amen.
Oliver Cowdery was a school teacher and an early convert to Mormonism who served as scribe while Joseph Smith dictated what he said was a translation of the Book of Mormon. Like Smith, who was a distant relative, Cowdery was also a treasure hunter who had used a divining rod in his youth. Cowdery asked questions of the rod; if it moved, the answer was yes, if not, no. Cowdery also told Smith that he had seen the Golden Plates in a vision before the two ever met.
Martin Harris was a respected farmer in the Palmyra area who had changed his religion at least five times before he became a Mormon. A biographer wrote that his "imagination was excitable and fecund." One letter says that Harris thought that a candle sputtering was the work of the devil and that he had met Jesus in the shape of a deer and walked and talked with him for two or three miles. The local Presbyterian minister called him "a visionary fanatic." A friend, who praised Harris as "universally esteemed as an honest man" but disagreed with his religious affiliation, declared that Harris' mind "was overbalanced by 'marvellousness'" and that his belief in earthly visitations of angels and ghosts gave him the local reputation of being crazy. Another friend said, "Martin was a good citizen. Martin was a man that would do just as he agreed with you. But, he was a great man for seeing spooks."
David Whitmer first became involved with Joseph Smith and the Golden Plates through his friend Oliver Cowdery; and because of his longevity, Whitmer became the most interviewed of the Three Witnesses. Whitmer gave various versions of his experience in viewing the Golden Plates. Although less credulous than Harris, Whitmer had his own visionary predilections and owned a seer stone. In 1829, before testifying to the truth of the Golden Plates, Whitmer reported that when traveling with Smith to his father's farm in Fayette, New York, they had seen a Nephite on the road who suddenly disappeared. Then when they arrived at his father's house, they were "impressed" that the same Nephite was under the shed.
What have
MsJack MrStakhanovite LDSToronto
ever done to you to piss you off at them so much as to cast them as the Three Witness to you charade.
ever done to you to piss you off at them so much as to cast them as the Three Witness to you charade.
There is no charade here, The Mighty Builder. I saw what I saw---and I'm pleased that Mormon Jesus has seen fit to start using women as witnesses to divine events again. Who says eternal progression isn't true?
I'll also have you know that today I was vacuuming my floor, and I vacuumed in five minutes an amount of carpet that ordinarily would have taken ten minutes to vacuum, which freed up enough time for me to write this post and bear witness to you. There must be an overruling hand in that.
"It seems to me that these women were the head (κεφάλαιον) of the church which was at Philippi." ~ John Chrysostom, Homilies on Philippians 13
ever done to you to piss you off at them so much as to cast them as the Three Witness to you charade.
There is no charade here, The Mighty Builder. I saw what I saw---and I'm pleased that Mormon Jesus has seen fit to start using women as witnesses to divine events again. Who says eternal progression isn't true?
I'll also have you know that today I was vacuuming my floor, and I vacuumed in five minutes an amount of carpet that ordinarily would have taken ten minutes to vacuum, which freed up enough time for me to write this post and bear witness to you. There must be an overruling hand in that.
Glory to Mormon Jesus and peace on the board, goodwill towards the posters!
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden ~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~