It's that time of year again

[_Blixa]

Hey, where's Tommy?
Someone find Tommy...

[_Ren]

well, being the alpha male that I am

Elder Bednar,
I have recently decided that I wish to become an alpha male. I believe it would make my heart glad, and my bedpost notch count increase many-fold.
Are there any tips I could ask of the Lord's annointed...?

Thank you!

[_David A. Bednar]

well, being the alpha male that I am

Elder Bednar,
I have recently decided that I wish to become an alpha male. I believe it would make my heart glad, and my bedpost notch count increase many-fold.
Are there any tips I could ask of the Lord's annointed...?

Thank you!

My dear brother Phunk,

I don't wish to derail Brother Boyd's thread here.

Feel free to pm me for some advice that I have learned from being the youngest alpha male apostle in the quorum.

However, I shouldn't hesitate to mention that Brother Boyd and your friend here on the boards, BCSpace, are the quinessential Alpha Males.

Perhaps they would be happy to share with you their successful stories concerning success in increasing the number of your bednotches.

p.s. Brother Boyd does very well in that regard when we are spending our get away weekends at the beach at the Great Salt Lake. Perhaps that is TMI?

As always, your brother in the harness of the gospel,

Elder
David A. Bednar

[_Boyd_K_Packer]

A message to all,

All of this talk about being an Alpha Male, or Delta Male or whatever, I don't know what that means. All I know about is being a male, and part of being a male is being a man, and part of being a man is having the priesthood. Within the priesthood there are different levels of manhood, me being at the top level, Elder Bednar and Uckdork (or whatever his name is) are still a few notches below me in the holy heirarchy, this was foreordained in the pre-existence. There is nothing to be ashamed of for being at the lower levels of the Priesthood, or even those young men in the lesser Priesthood. Our Father in Heaven pre-ordained your level of importance in this life. We all came to this Earth with different levels of knowledge from the pre-existence, and therefore some of us were more prepared to take over leadership positions and rise to the highest levels of importance. Regardless of how valiant one was in the pre-existence, or how much God thought of you, as long as you have the Priesthood and are moving up the chain of command, that is all that matters. Worry not about the worldy definition of alpha-male or whatever, but instead focus on your position within the Priesthood hierarchy, what sins you are committing to keep yourself so low, and wax strong in your efforts to move up.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

[_Tommy]

What a delight to find my fellow servants posting here on this beautiful day. I had been feeling depressed recently, but the words of my brethren sure have lightened my soul. I've temporarily shelved my children's edition of the Bible, and shall find my inspiration in the modern day prophecy of Elder Packer and Elder Bednar.

Elder Bednar writes,

I'm off this week to do another boat run from Jamaica to Columbia working on that basketball team we are trying to put together,

That's great news, Elder. I would offer a word of caution, however. Sometimes these foreigners, often because they don't speak English, the language the Lord spoke in the Doctrine and Covenants, will make modifications to the rules of the games we teach them. Please make sure the basketball and hoop conform to NBA standards and please no special exceptions to the little things, like standing in the key too long. They will begin to think that if they can play their own version, they can slip in the wording of the sacrament prayers or lighten the status of the Word of Wisdom. White shirts on Sunday, NBA rules on wednsday night. Don't forget that, Elder.

[_Zoidberg]

A message to all,

All of this talk about being an Alpha Male, or Delta Male or whatever, I don't know what that means. All I know about is being a male, and part of being a male is being a man, and part of being a man is having the priesthood.

Elder Packer, it appears that you have forgotten to mention another essential part of being a man - having a little factory.:)

[_David A. Bednar]

What a delight to find my fellow servants posting here on this beautiful day. I had been feeling depressed recently, but the words of my brethren sure have lightened my soul. I've temporarily shelved my children's edition of the Bible, and shall find my inspiration in the modern day prophecy of Elder Packer and Elder Bednar.

Elder Bednar writes,

I'm off this week to do another boat run from Jamaica to Columbia working on that basketball team we are trying to put together,

That's great news, Elder. I would offer a word of caution, however. Sometimes these foreigners, often because they don't speak English, the language the Lord spoke in the Doctrine and Covenants, will make modifications to the rules of the games we teach them. Please make sure the basketball and hoop conform to NBA standards and please no special exceptions to the little things, like standing in the key too long. They will begin to think that if they can play their own version, they can slip in the wording of the sacrament prayers or lighten the status of the Word of Wisdom. White shirts on Sunday, NBA rules on wednsday night. Don't forget that, Elder.

My dear brother Tommy,

So nice to have you drop in and leave with us those special words of wisdom.

I am so sorry to hear that you have been so depressed as of late! If there is anything I can do to perk you up just holler.

Thank you very much for the sage advice on putting together this great basketball team. We are surely making progress.

However, one slight problem. Jamaicans and Columbians just don't seem to be able to work together in the harness (so to speak). The Columbians always want to put on a full-court press, even when unnecessary (their energy seems to know no bounds!), and then there are the Jamaicans. I can't seem to get them to want to even play a half court game, let alone a full court game. It is as though I am watching them in slow motion.

What might you or Elder Packer suggest? How do I slow the Columbians down while speeding up the Jamaicans?

It's a real problem in church on Sundays. In Jamaica, the three hour service runs a good five hours. In Columbia, they are out of there in just over an hour.

It's odd. I can't seem to get a handle on the problem. I'm wondering if it might not have to do with different masturbation habits between the countries?

Any clues would be greatly appreciated!

[_Boyd_K_Packer]

Elder Packer, it appears that you have forgotten to mention another essential part of being a man - having a little factory.:)

Ziodberg,

Your signature line is contrary to the teachings of the true gospel. Your rebellious and sarcastic attitude makes me think of a story I would like to share with you, and I hope you take it to heart and learn something from it.

When I was a young boy, the old widow woman across the street owned a dog that gave birth to a litter of puppies. Oh how I wished I could have a puppy. I prayed and prayed to the Lord to deliver unto me one of the puppies. One day, my parents told me they had a surprise. They presented me with a box, and it that box was a rambunctious little puppy. My heart was filled with joy. Oh how I loved and cherished that puppy. I named the puppy Adam, for he was the first-born of the puppies. I bathed him, and potty trained him, and fed him, and at night I rocked Adam to sleep. I was the happiest kid in the world. Then, one day I came home from school and my puppy was gone. I cried and cried. My parents comforted me and told me that sometimes life isn't fair. A few days later I heard some scratching at the front door. I opened the door and there stood Adam. I was so happy. I lifted my puppy and held him tight. He licked my face. The next day I took my puppy to school for show and tell. Anyway, I'm rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is when you die, you're going to hell.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer

[_Blixa]

I'm so happy to see Brother Monson posting again, but sadded to hear of his recent depression. I'd offer to score some Jazz tickets for him, but I suspect any GA gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

What can I do to help?

[_David A. Bednar]

Do you think that Packer meant thongs instead of flip-flops?

Do you think that Packer or Bednar either one really even know the difference between flip-flops and thongs?

Silly boy! My wife wears thongs to the pool and flip-flops to bed. We know what's up!

Oh, I know what's up, Brother Bedme, oops! I mean Bednar...

And though I appreciate you asking BCspace to keep me whipped into shape, I'd much prefer that be left in your oh-so-capable hands.

By the way, I yearn for another entry from you, Bedme...uh, Bednar. I get excited with every blog entry you make, but I need more than two entries a month! I'd prefer two a day. I know raising the bar to those standards may be difficult with Sister Bednar, but I feel certain that with my assistance in the harness you could make it happen.

KA

My dear Sister Kimberly Ann,

Tommy and I are still hoping you will come down to visit us at the office one day. We know you would be a great addition to the team we have now.

Now, Sister, just to be frank, don't you think you are asking too much for two entries a day?

I fear were I to provide you two entries a day, that you perhaps might become tired of my gospel message. But, I agree with you that twice a month just doesn't cut the mustard, so to speak. Perhaps we can come to a compromise: perhaps Brother Tommy or Brother Boyd would like to make a few guest entries, so to speak, to help with your frustration levels. I am sure that I can also provide you a few more entries a week.

We are happy to raise the bar to assist you in the service of our great master. Let's see if we can all come...to an arrangement.....together when you visit us at the office.

And don't worry about Sister Bednar. What with all her preaching of late to the young women in the church, she has not had any interest in my entries. She has lately decided that she likes the spirit of the church far better in Jamaica, so she remains there to help further the work along.