Cicero wrote:I have known about most of the "troubling issues" of the Church since doing a deep dive in college about 15 years ago. My testimony was severely shaken and forever altered, but ultimately preserved through more study and prayer, discussions with folks like Richard Bushman, Daniel Peterson, and (most importantly) many wonderul mentors in the BYU History department. Bill Hamblin did his best to push me into full apostasy, but fortunately he was not the only apologist I talked to back then. Looking back now, it is clear that I relied heavily on the catalyst theory for Book of Abraham issues, and Ostler's Book of Mormon expansion theory for Book of Mormon issues, and I put a lot of other troubling issues on the shelf (polygamy, racism, homosexuality, etc.) by embracing the typical responses (prophets are fallible men, God's ways are not our ways, "postmodern" critiques of science, blah blah blah . . .)
As I mentioned on another thread, I then managed to really thrive in several East Coast and European wards. Right now, however, I am really struggling with attending Church. I have focused a great deal on epistemology in my personal studies over the past year, and I have come to really doubt the efficacy of prayer and faith to discern "truth." I don't want this to turn into a thread on epistemology, but just in case anyone reading this thinks I have gone all "gah gah" for science a la Kerry Shirts, let me assure you that I am well aware of the epistemological problems of science.
Given my current perspective on prayer and religious faith in general, reading scriptures and attending meetings is not helping me at all. I sincerely try to be "honest in my dealings" and right now I don't feel like I am being honest. Like many others here, I am instead staying in "the closet" and putting on the mask in order to keep the peace at home. I am not going to be able to continue this for much longer, however.
I have been posting for a few months here, and I believe that there are some here that have mentioned returning to belief and activity after a period of inactivity (or even full apostasy in the case of Don Bradley). If you are one of those folks, did you find that "coming out" and going inactive for a time actually helped you in your faith journey? I know that I am going to have to come out and break the news to my family soon (otherwise I will go crazy), and so I would be interested in hearing from those who went inactive for a time and then came back later. I am not necessarily really looking to regain my testimony and I do not know where my spirtual journey will lead me, but I am curious to hear from others that have been in a similar position, and to hear how things turned out for them.
A short while back I posed the question to Don about wether he felt leaving the Church and having that freedom of distance helped him have a stronger testimony when he returned. He seemed reluctant to discuss it.
It may be like choosing new shoes, you think you've found the right pair but perusing other shoes elsewhere reinforces and strengthens the view about the first. Of course, you run the risk of realising the first shoes we really not what you wanted at all....
I think living a period of your life away from the Church can only help people to understand what they actually believe because it gives context and balance to the beliefs themselves. (This said from a BIC perspective).
