Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_Blixa]

I just wish Mormon Jesus could tell me what number I'm thinking of.

[_dblagent007]

Mormon Jesus,

I prostrate myself before thee with my belly flat on the ground and my tongue licking up the dirt of thy feet, the unholy person that I am, to ask thee for a simple blessing. Lord, I have children, many children, upwards of almost five children Lord, who are suffering from want of food, clothing, iPhones, Miley Cyrus CDs, designer clothes, and so forth. Their suffering is exceedingly sore and their cries are continually ring in my ears by day and by night. Surely, oh Lord, thou must also know their suffering and have heard their cries too. Oh, my sweet children are in need.

I wouldn't approach thy holy message board or this holy thread if my children were not in dire need. Yet, I approach thee humbly Lord, as a wife approaches her husband in thy holy church, full of submission and willingness to obey. Thou art, after all, the bridegroom and I am thy handmaid ... figuratively speaking of course, because I am a man.

Anyway, I seek but a small humble blessing for the benefit of my children, oh the children, dear Lord. I know that thou are inundated with audacious requests such as to help thy servants find their lost car keys. Know this, Lord, I do not desire to provoke thy wrath with such a bold request. Nay, I seek nothing more than a simple sequence of numbers, yeah lord, just numbers. Specifically, I seek the sequence of numbers that just happens to be the same as the winning sequence for the next Powerball lottery drawing. Please, oh lord, grant this simple request for the benefit of my emaciated, starving, children.

Please Lord, do not be angry with me, thine male handmaiden (again, speaking figuratively not literally). I seek this lowly sequence of numbers, not for my benefit, but to glorify thee and to bless my children and lift them out of poverty. Yeah, verily, if thou grantest my request, I will even create a new contemporary way to worship thee that is superior to and overshawdows Tebowing, Kaepernicking, and the like. If thou bless me in this manner, I will praise thy name forever, generation upon generation, and my children will never cease to praise thy name. Please, Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase, oh Lord, I am begging you to bestow this blessing on me just like thou gavest young girls to they servant Joseph to reward him for his faithfulness.

Please Lord, I know thy bowels are full to overflowing and I humbly ask thee to burst thy bowels wide open, yea, open the sphincter that holds thy bowels shut and let thy blessings spill forth on my children and my children's children. Like the queen said upon encountering dead King Lamoni in the thy holy book of fan fiction, some will say that the contents of thy bowels stinketh, but to me it is like a sweet nectar that rises up in my nostrils. Again, I thank thee, oh Lord, in advance for this great blessing.

P.S. Please send me the numbers via private message from thine own holy posting account so I don't have to split the winnings with the other leeches on thy holy message board.

[_Molok]

[23. And unto my servant Molok, who hath wondered whether I have appeared unto Tobin,
24. Verily, my servant Molok, I tell thee that I, the Lord, speak unto men in the way that they may best understand, in their weakness,
25. Unto some, I appear in a pillar of light, and unto others, with an elephant head and six arms,
26. To some do I shew mine image on a tortilla, or a tree, or the side of a mountain,
27. And unto some I reveal myself through reruns of Star Trek,
28. Wherefore, be wise as a serpent, my servant Molok, for I may appear to thee at any time, and whether it be descending from the clouds, or in a dream, or in a box of cereal, it shall be in such way as is expedient for thee,

Thank you Mormon Jesus, you're the best Savior EVER!

[_TomHagen]

I just saw this... I'm crying in my office right now from hilarity.

[_cwald]

This might be the best revelation ever.

18. Yea, thou hast asked when I shall reveal more concerning my laws as they pertain to marriage,
19. But behold, these matters concerning marriage are even now in dispute, wherefore, it is not expedient that I, the Lord, shall reveal more eternal truths concerning this matter until such time as it can be determined what shall end up being socially acceptable,
20. And then at that time shall I reveal these things to my living prophet, even.....
21. .....
22. Thomas S. Monson! Yea, I, the Lord, knew I had that written down here somewhere.

Hahahahahhhahaaaa. God that is funny.

[_ludwigm]

21. .....
22. Thomas S. Monson! Yea, I, the Lord, knew I had that written down here somewhere.

Hahahahahhhahaaaa. God that is funny.

No. God is a good environmentalist.
He is standing on the side of recycling.



by the way the related wikipedia entry sould be expanded by the recycling of talks, sermons and articles...

Recycling is a process using materials (waste) into new products to prevent waste of potentially useful materials, reduce the consumption of fresh raw materials, reduce energy usage, reduce air pollution (from incineration) and water pollution (from landfilling) by reducing the need for "conventional" waste disposal, and lower greenhouse gas emissions as compared to plastic production. Recycling is a key component of modern waste reduction and is the third component of the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" waste hierarchy.

[_Res Ipsa]

I just wish Mormon Jesus could tell me what number I'm thinking of.

If he told you, you wouldn't need faith.

[_The Mighty Builder]

I just wish Mormon Jesus could tell me what number I'm thinking of.

If he told you, you wouldn't need faith.

Or if he told you and got it Right, you would say you were thinking of a letter and not a number. It is a wicked and perverse generation that seeks for a sign of proof or evidence. Unless you are like the little Sheeples you in no wise shall be fleeced by the Mormon Corporation.

[_KevinSim]

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 April 2012. This message constitutes the Lord's preface to his forthcoming words of admonition and counsel to the members of the board.

1-3, The Lord has been lurking on the board; 4-5, the moderators are counseled in their duties; 6-10, the faithful are commanded to shop at City Creek Center; 11-28, exhortations to various board members; 29-31, follow the prophet, whose name is right on the tip of the Lord's tongue; 32-36, the Lord wants more quality posts.

1. Behold, yea, verily, hearken, ye people of this message board, even Mormon Discussions,
2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn,
..........<snip>..........
35. Once more thou openest the door, and thou art here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on.
36. So post things that are worth reading. Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.

This is the best post that I have ever read at Mormon Discussions! My only regret is that I haven't made enough waves here for Mormon Jesus to have mentioned me by name. Mormon Jesus, is there going to be a chapter 2?

[_Dr. Shades]

Our dear Mormon Jesus:

Behold, in Moroni 10:5 thou sayest, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." With that in mind, for this cause have I come unto thee, seeking greater light and knowledge:

A) Is it true that thou made William Schryver's calling and election sure?
B) If so, then why HIM, of all people??

In the name of you,
Amen.