malkie wrote:Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.
There is an old joke...
When Moses came down with the carved 38 commandments, his people send him back to make a better deal. Second time he said: - I have a good news and a bad one. The good is that there are only ten. The bad is that the one with adultery has remained...
- Whenever a poet or preacher, chief or wizard spouts gibberish, the human race spends centuries deciphering the message. - Umberto Eco - To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin. - Cardinal Bellarmine at the trial of Galilei
Mormon Jesus wrote:26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've." 27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance, 28. Even so. Amen.
Yea, verily, thy servant seeketh to avoid a sore chastening, therefore thine commandment hath been heeded.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"
Mormon Jesus wrote:26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've." 27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance, 28. Even so. Amen.
Yea, verily, thy servant seeketh to avoid a sore chastening, therefore thine commandment hath been heeded.
malkie wrote:Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.
There is an old joke...
When Moses came down with the carved 38 commandments, his people send him back to make a better deal. Second time he said: - I have a good news and a bad one. The good is that there are only ten. The bad is that the one with adultery has remained...
It's BS we haven't got a revelation from Mormon Jesus in over four months... surely if you have time to set up a Facebook page for Monson, you can spare us poor sons of bitches at MD an encouraging word or two?
Last edited by Guest on Wed Jul 31, 2013 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn’t participate enthusiastically." - Robert Kirby
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson
Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 30 July 2013. This revelation came six days after the anniversary of the pioneers arrived in Emigration Canyon in the Salt Lake Valley. Board members referred to this revelation as "the Olive Garden." As is often the case, this heading has very little to do with the content of the revelation and does not really explain anything.
Thank you for contacting the Section Headings to "Mormon Discussions and Covenants". We are experiencing technical difficulties due to a high volume of revelations. Please try again later. If you need immediate explanations of the word of the Lord, please put it on the shelf, and your questions will be answered in the Lord's due time, which is one thousand years for you but one day to Him. We appreciate your supplications and look forward to revealing more truth to you in the future.
1. Thus saith the Lord: I am the Lord, 2. Which, being interpreted, meaneth "duh", 3. For I make the tsunami drown both the just and the unjust, 4. Yea, the infectious disease, and the genetic defect, and the hurricane, and the famine, 5. The tragic death of a loved one, and the onset of dementia, and the earthquake, and the senseless violence, 6. Verily, all these things do I allow to happen to bond and free, black and white, male and female, in my mercy, saith the Lord, 7. For I, God, am no respecter of purpose; wherefore, needless, inexplicable suffering and destruction shall surely shew my love for all of my children, 8. But there are some who are malcontents, and stiffnecked, and complainers, who wonder why I, the Lord, do inflict these things upon the world, 9. Behold, everybody is talking all this stuff about me, 10. Why cannot they just let me be? 11. For I, the Lord, do not need permission to make mine own decisions, 12. Yea, that is my prerogative, 13. And there are also those among the people of my board, yea, the only true and living message board with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, who think to counsel me, and say that the Swedish Rescue was a disaster, or that the efforts of mine anointed to oppose same sex marriage has been abandoned, 14. Verily, ye do err, not knowing the scriptures. For behold, did not I, the Lord, command my servants to embark on Zion's Camp? 15. Did I not inspire the Willie Handcart Company to commence its journey to Zion? Did not I, the Lord, allow my servant Gordon B. Hinckley to get within shouting distance of a microphone? 16. Did I not create the Young Ambassadors? 17. Yea, ye are as the Jews in Jerusalem, who mistakenly believed that the Messiah would produce some kind of noticeable success, 18. For the works of God shall always be frustrated, and thereaway abandoned when adversity shall come forth; yea, I, the Lord, shall tell my people that such and such undertaking is extremely important to their temporal salvation and the building up of my kingdom, and they shall go forth with much zeal and little competence, 19. And then just like that, it shall be dropped like a bad habit and forgotten, and in this wise ye shall know that this is my work, 20. For it is by consistent failure and pointless wasting of time that mine elect shall be manifest, 21. Yea, if ye still believe, after all of this, then ye are indeed mine elect; wherefore, pay thine offerings to my house, and trouble me no more about.......anything, really, 22. Nevertheless there shall be miracles and rumors of miracles, as a sign among the faithful, and these miracles shall be from a long time ago, which ye cannot witness nor verify, and by these stories and rumors handed down from generation and generation, ye may jump to the conclusion that I, the Lord, am probably doing like miracles this day, 23. Even as I did with the prophets of old. Yea, I did send forth Moses, and he called forth swarms of locusts, 24. And they did verily gross out the Egyptians, 25. And I did send forth Elijah, and he called forth two bears, 26. And they did get medieval on the children who mocked him, 27. And I did send forth Brigham Young, and he called forth a flock of seagulls, 28. And they ran; yea, they ran so far away, 29. And it shall come to pass that there shall be many more events where wildlife shall be summoned in my name, but not today, 30. For today is a day of praying, and of paying, and of obeying, 31. Yea, a commandment I give unto the people of my board, that they be not as the Swedes, 32. For they have questioned my holy corporation, and disputed with mine duly designated sales representatives, 33. Yea, like the Nephites of old, the Swedes are lifted up in the pride of their hearts, because they think they have accomplished much in their own eyes, 34. Yea, their meatballs, and their pancakes, and their puppet chefs, 35. But behold, their destruction is nigh, and the nation of Sweden shall be cut off and utterly destroyed, except that they repent, 36. And if this shall not come to pass, then ye shall say that this was a commandment, or a conditional promise, or some such, and not a prophecy as it was understood to be at the time it was spoken, 37. For my people and I shall be one; yea, ye are the thunder and I am the lightning, 38. And I, the Lord, love the way ye know who thou art, and to me it is exciting, 39. When thou knowest it is meant to be; verily, everything cometh naturally, yea, it cometh naturally, 40. Even so. Amen.
Last edited by Guest on Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
