It's that time of year again

[_Zoidberg]

Elder Packer, it appears that you have forgotten to mention another essential part of being a man - having a little factory.:)

Ziodberg,

Your signature line is contrary to the teachings of the true gospel. Your rebellious and sarcastic attitude makes me think of a story I would like to share with you, and I hope you take it to heart and learn something from it.

When I was a young boy, the old widow woman across the street owned a dog that gave birth to a litter of puppies. Oh how I wished I could have a puppy. I prayed and prayed to the Lord to deliver unto me one of the puppies. One day, my parents told me they had a surprise. They presented me with a box, and it that box was a rambunctious little puppy. My heart was filled with joy. Oh how I loved and cherished that puppy. I named the puppy Adam, for he was the first-born of the puppies. I bathed him, and potty trained him, and fed him, and at night I rocked Adam to sleep. I was the happiest kid in the world. Then, one day I came home from school and my puppy was gone. I cried and cried. My parents comforted me and told me that sometimes life isn't fair. A few days later I heard some scratching at the front door. I opened the door and there stood Adam. I was so happy. I lifted my puppy and held him tight. He licked my face. The next day I took my puppy to school for show and tell. Anyway, I'm rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is when you die, you're going to hell.

Actually, I'm planning to get buried at the pet cemetery, so I can come back like your puppy.

[_Bond...James Bond]

Why haven't any of you Church leaders twisted The Prophet's arm and asked him to post? Or any other Apostles? I want to hear from the whole gang.

[_karl61]

ROFLMAO - this thead is so funny.

but I have to know why Tommy is depressed. I have a lot of medicine and good books for him to read. Also, If you mix all your medcine with Red Bull and Pepsi you will start speaking in tongues.

[_David A. Bednar]

Why haven't any of you Church leaders twisted The Prophet's arm and asked him to post? Or any other Apostles? I want to hear from the whole gang.

I'm afraid, my dear Brother Bond, that if we were to twist the Prophet's arm, it just may fall off. He is getting quite old.

But, be assured that in our temple meetings, we are beginning to get the hang of this internet thing. Brother Boyd is leading the way in this regard.

We can't get Brother Eyring to stop reading Bagley's account of the Mountain Meadows affair.

Elder Scott is always in L.A. (Hollywood to be exact) trying to bring his wayward son back into the fold (BCSpace, what with all his wise knowledge about the gay scene is helping out on that problem).

All Brother Uchtdorf does is complain that "there are no brats and sauerkraut in the church cafeteria." I think we are losing him. He won't eat the sacrament bread: of course, you got it, "it's too white" and "Germans make better bread" and....well, to tell you the truth, we are getting a bit sick of him. We want to go out to dinner, all of us, and all he wants is bread and cheese. He is a real party pooper.

I will talk to the others. They all seem willing to raise the bar, so to speak. Let's see what we can do.

Thanks for all your support in making this board work so well, Mr. Bond.

[_Boyd_K_Packer]

Actually, I'm planning to get buried at the pet cemetery, so I can come back like your puppy.

Let me tell you something, young man. If you do come back as my dog it won't be all kibbles and bits. My puppy learned the meaning of discipline. By the time he was an adult, I had molded him into a proper, faithful, obedient dog. In fact, my dog was more obedient and Christ-like than 90% of the church membership, thanks to me. I would be more than happy to have you as my puppy, you little punk.

[_Tommy]

My dear fellow apostle,

What might you or Elder Packer suggest? How do I slow the Columbians down while speeding up the Jamaicans?

As you well know, even more central to the mission of the Church than basketball is the Word of Wisdom. If any one principle might be said to be the foundation of this church, it's the Word of Wisdom. The Word of Wisdom has kept more Saints out of the temple than any other commandment.

While the Lord is far more concerned about smoking and drinking tea than cocain and marijuana use, we must stand firm on those substances as well. These are gateway substances that may result in the drinking of coffee and tea one day, and that would not be acceptable unto the Lord.

Remember what the Lord hath promised us, "And they shall run and not be weary, and walk and not faint."

Thus saith the Lord of Hosts,

Amen.

[_Tommy]

I'm so happy to see Brother Monson posting again, but sadded to hear of his recent depression. I'd offer to score some Jazz tickets for him, but I suspect any GA gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

What can I do to help?

Thank you for your concern, my dear humble, faithful, and ever-trusting in the priesthood, sister Blixa. I thank Harmony for her concern as well (oh how Elder Bednar loves that name!).

There have been a couple of pressing matters on my mind. The Lord is trying my faith at this time and I would be grateful to be remembered in your prayers. When the Lord called Elder Bednar to be an apostle, I was hesitant. Up until then, I was always the keynote speaker. I was the apostle everyone loved. And in my youth, I was quite an attractive man. As much as I love Elder Bednar, I feel a little put out by his fame. All the excitement and buzz is about this handsome, younger apostle, especially within the Relief Society has made me a little jealous. It seems sometimes that nobody loves old Tommy anymore. I know we are all doing the work of the Lord and I shouldn't feel this way. But I have feelings too. This is one of the final tests the Lord has for me in this life, and I hope I pass. I've thought perhaps I need to serve Elder Bednar more, as service often quells jealousy. His description of fishing trips -- in the Uintas I presume -- where he goes after the browns put me at rest. Perhaps I shall invite him for a 1 on 1 personal priesthood interview in Zion's majestic mountains for a fishing trip.

My other problem I'll discuss when I have some more time. Now I must ready the chairs for an meeting in my office.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Do you think that Packer meant thongs instead of flip-flops?

Do you think that Packer or Bednar either one really even know the difference between flip-flops and thongs?

Silly boy! My wife wears thongs to the pool and flip-flops to bed. We know what's up!

Oh, I know what's up, Brother Bedme, oops! I mean Bednar...

And though I appreciate you asking BCspace to keep me whipped into shape, I'd much prefer that be left in your oh-so-capable hands.

By the way, I yearn for another entry from you, Bedme...uh, Bednar. I get excited with every blog entry you make, but I need more than two entries a month! I'd prefer two a day. I know raising the bar to those standards may be difficult with Sister Bednar, but I feel certain that with my assistance in the harness you could make it happen.

KA

My dear Sister Kimberly Ann,

Tommy and I are still hoping you will come down to visit us at the office one day. We know you would be a great addition to the team we have now.

Now, Sister, just to be frank, don't you think you are asking too much for two entries a day?

I fear were I to provide you two entries a day, that you perhaps might become tired of my gospel message. But, I agree with you that twice a month just doesn't cut the mustard, so to speak. Perhaps we can come to a compromise: perhaps Brother Tommy or Brother Boyd would like to make a few guest entries, so to speak, to help with your frustration levels. I am sure that I can also provide you a few more entries a week.

We are happy to raise the bar to assist you in the service of our great master. Let's see if we can all come...to an arrangement.....together when you visit us at the office.

And don't worry about Sister Bednar. What with all her preaching of late to the young women in the church, she has not had any interest in my entries. She has lately decided that she likes the spirit of the church far better in Jamaica, so she remains there to help further the work along.

Oh, Bedme Bednar, oops, I mean Brother Bednar,

I do so ache to have an intimate, close face to face visit with you in your office! When I think about you raising the bar, it makes my bosom burn out of control! If only you could feel it...the spirit is so strong with me right now!

I desire to be of assistance to you if you tire of raising the bar all alone. That is a job best done with the help of an eager, willing sister like myself. If you ever want me to join you in the harness for the noble goal of bar raising, just call me and I'll hop right on it!

Waiting breathlessly for your next entry (What a tease you are! You make them so slowly!),

KA

[_David A. Bednar]

I'm so happy to see Brother Monson posting again, but sadded to hear of his recent depression. I'd offer to score some Jazz tickets for him, but I suspect any GA gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

What can I do to help?

Hey,

My children and I would be into some Jazz tickets (my wife seems to not want to leave Jamaica). Can you score some for old Brother Bednar?

Because of my travels to get together a functional pan-american basketball team, I miss out on the temple quorum meetings where Brother Packer distributes the freebies we often get from our special, believing followers.

I no longer get the free coupons to the Sizzler. What's worse: I never get the "buy one, get one free" coupon for a Hires Big H anymore. I desperately miss those. Can you score some of those coupons for me?

But, the Jazz tickets: that sounds wonderful. I fear my work with our new team has run into big problems. Perhaps if I watch how Jerry runs the ship, I can get some pointers.

And in return, I think I can get you front row seats at the next General Conference! Now, doesn't that give you the warm fuzzies all over (You can sit right next to Wendy). Take a break from the secular world and come visit us. They also deliver excellent pizza after Conference for the insiders. I can get you a piece or two. How about it?

And don't worry about Brother Tommy. He has been sulking around the temple far too often as of late. He is often found sitting outside the Holy of Holies wimpering like a little puppy. He says it is me, but I know far different.

If you can keep a secret, I think he is upset that Brother Packer is making a political move to become the next Prophet. Where does that leave him? I'm hearing through the grapevine that they may send him to former East Germany, where he still has some friends who will listen to his widow stories and promises of chapels dotting the land in the former GDR.

I would be wimpering too!

I think taking him fishing for big browns in the Uintahs would be a waste of time. Crying and casting just don't go together. But, I guess he could hang out on the bank wimpering as he does of late.

[_David A. Bednar]

Do you think that Packer meant thongs instead of flip-flops?

Do you think that Packer or Bednar either one really even know the difference between flip-flops and thongs?

Silly boy! My wife wears thongs to the pool and flip-flops to bed. We know what's up!

Oh, I know what's up, Brother Bedme, oops! I mean Bednar...

And though I appreciate you asking BCspace to keep me whipped into shape, I'd much prefer that be left in your oh-so-capable hands.

By the way, I yearn for another entry from you, Bedme...uh, Bednar. I get excited with every blog entry you make, but I need more than two entries a month! I'd prefer two a day. I know raising the bar to those standards may be difficult with Sister Bednar, but I feel certain that with my assistance in the harness you could make it happen.

KA

My dear Sister Kimberly Ann,

Tommy and I are still hoping you will come down to visit us at the office one day. We know you would be a great addition to the team we have now.

Now, Sister, just to be frank, don't you think you are asking too much for two entries a day?

I fear were I to provide you two entries a day, that you perhaps might become tired of my gospel message. But, I agree with you that twice a month just doesn't cut the mustard, so to speak. Perhaps we can come to a compromise: perhaps Brother Tommy or Brother Boyd would like to make a few guest entries, so to speak, to help with your frustration levels. I am sure that I can also provide you a few more entries a week.

We are happy to raise the bar to assist you in the service of our great master. Let's see if we can all come...to an arrangement.....together when you visit us at the office.

And don't worry about Sister Bednar. What with all her preaching of late to the young women in the church, she has not had any interest in my entries. She has lately decided that she likes the spirit of the church far better in Jamaica, so she remains there to help further the work along.

Oh, Bedme Bednar, oops, I mean Brother Bednar,

I do so ache to have an intimate, close face to face visit with you in your office! When I think about you raising the bar, it makes my bosom burn out of control! If only you could feel it...the spirit is so strong with me right now!

I desire to be of assistance to you if you tire of raising the bar all alone. That is a job best done with the help of an eager, willing sister like myself. If you ever want me to join you in the harness for the noble goal of bar raising, just call me and I'll hop right on it!

Waiting breathlessly for your next entry (What a tease you are! You make them so slowly!),

KA

Slow and ryth...er...steady always wins the race, my dear Sister. Surely you know the story of the hare and the turtle?

About your burning bosom: You obviously aren't wearing your garments, Kimberly Ann. Those special protectors will immediately douse that out-of-control fire. If those don't work for you, perhaps I can come up with some other prob.....er...pointers. Do keep me informed!