mms wrote:harmony wrote:The thing is, if I was a TBM, your story is a bit too close to home. You sound like someone I might know. And like. And respect. And trust. And if you can start to doubt the veracity of the church's claims, then where does that leave me? I've literally bet my life on the truthfulness of the church's claims based on the testimonies of people like you; if I'm wrong about you, it's entirely possible I'm wrong about a lot of things, and that's just too painful to contemplate. I have to believe that Joseph was a good and honorable man who never lied and certainly never cheated on his wife, or else I lose more than just my way; I lose my family and my spouse. I have to believe that Joseph saw and talked with angels, translated gold plates into a book, and performed otherwise unheard of acts of charity, or else I become one of the hated, one of the defiled, one of the shunned. I can't believe that Joseph lied and cheated and bilked people out of their farms and inheritances. For me to believe that Joseph was a con man means I have to doubt everything every single thing I've been taught since the day I got baptised. Trusted people have lied to me; people I love have been misled and in turn have misled me.
There's a lot riding on your story, mms. More than just your own life. You and men like you are the backbone of the church. You are the glue that holds the whole thing together. If you start to doubt, the foundation on which I've built my life begins to shift like sand on the beach. And it scares me. And when I'm scared, I get angry. And when I get angry, I say things I wouldn't say normally.
And it's not just you. It's every doubting member...
Welcome to my world.
Wow. I must say that this is the single most difficult post I have had to read thus far in my recent journey, and I have read many, many posts. Talk about hitting close to home. Everyone who has ever come up to me to thank me for a talk I have given, to tell me how I have helped their faith, to thank me for my service on my mission, to thank me for my efforts on behalf of their child and family, just came flashing through my mind.
Your post struck such a cord with me. I apologize for burdening you any more than you already carried.
In order to cope with my own crisis of faith, after learning of the same things that disturbed you, with a little help from my friends on the boards, I can finally say that, after almost 10 years, I have come out on the other side of the deep black hole that threatened to swallow me whole. After literally shredding the boards in an attempt to make sense of what I found, I've mellowed considerably. And I did it by finally gaining an understanding of the church's place in the grand scheme of things... what it is, and most importantly what it isn't. My relationship with God is strong, even while my relationship with the church is problematic. What the church isn't covers a lot more ground than what it is. The problem I have right now is that I have glimpsed what it
could be and it sorrows me no end that it is nowhere near what it
could be.
The church, as in the doctrines, teachings, and policies as presently constituted, is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. It pains me to write that, but I have no doubt that the statement is true. It is not Godly, nor is it led by God, nor is it led by men with a special dispensation from God to lead it. The church was never meant to be confused with nor take the place of the gospel, and yet usurping and taking over the gospel as taught by Christ is what has happened. There is much that is good and godly about the church; unfortunately, there is too much that is all too human, and altogether too much of that humanness is perpetuated by our leaders. While I sustain our leaders as such, I also understand that they are simply men, and as men, they are altogether too easily led by stronger personalities and men with an agenda that isn't in the best interest of the members or mankind as a whole. We are a church in dire need of strength, strength of character and strength of conviction. Our leaders are too enarmoured of their own convictions to worry about whether or not they're following God's will, too convinced of their invincibility to worry about whether they're actually doing the right thing, and not at all humble or broken-hearted enough to do that which is entrusted (quite erronously, to my way of thinking) to them. Their stewardship is sadly lacking, for the most part, although there are the unexpected flashes of godliness that still can astound, should one be lucky enough to be able to catch a glimpse.
What passes for revelation now is recycled and outdated wishful thinking, not wisdom and certainly not God-breathed. Perhaps it never was. Perhaps it was always wishful thinking, from the beginning when Joseph started what has now grown to such modest proportions (in the grand scheme of things). We see ourselves as infinitly more important than we really are. We take enthocentricity to an entirely new level. We are a puffed up people, 'way beyond our true importance. And in all reality, there are so few Saints among us as to be nearly an endangered species! And virtually none of them reside on MAD (which is not to say they reside here either, but there is no doubt they don't reside on MAD).
Yet were our leaders to somehow actually be able to admit to past mistakes, to seek true repentence, to humble themselves enough to actually lead us where we need to go, I'm not sure the members could sustain the needed changes. So many things need to change, the task is almost gargantuan. The members need to first be taught the history, the true history, not the whitewashed adoring history they've been spoon-fed all their lives. The members need to let go of the hero worship of our pioneer ancestors.
They were not Saints! They made mistakes. Let us learn from them. Old policies need to ditched (we all know which ones hurt the most), new open-hearted policies need to be instituted. The marginalized half of the membership needs to be welcomed into the fold, granted meaningful leadership opportunities, and their contribution recognized for the vital part it plays. Old incorrect doctrines need to be corrected. The endowment needs to be corrected. Donations need to be accounted for, those with stewardship need to be held accountable.
The list is so long and so difficult. And I'm so afraid our leaders are simply not men enough to be up to the task.
I love this church so much. I love what it
could be. And I despair for what it is.