Some Schmo wrote:MishMagnet wrote:in my opinion it's in bad form to discuss the how-to of masturbation while someone is confessing their sexual addiction.
That may be true, but as I mentioned earlier, I think we need to reserve judgment about whether he's really sexually addicted or not.
Styleguy, do you think you're sexually addicted? Is it possible that you aren't, but that it's just your Mormon upbringing that's made you feel that way?
Again, it's hard to have a realistic frame of reference about this stuff when your views of sexuality are clouded by the Mormon perspective.
There were times when yes - it controlled my life and after I got done with what I was doing I could only focus on the next time. I went into very, very dangerous areas. I still can't belive that I'm alive. I use to go to porno theaters in down town los angeles on main street. I would park in skid row and would cut through the alleys and ziz zag to the location. I would leave at night maybe around 11 pm to my car. The drug dealers, trannies, winos and everyone else use to do a double take when they would see me walking down the street. Some blue eyed blond white kid from orange county. I also use to pick up girls and sometimes they would take me to a run down hotel which didn't have the nicest people outside.
I will tell you one thing about people talking about a sixth sense. One time I was walking with a girl to a hotel on sunset blvd. It was around midnight. I looked over and in a parking lot there was a car - an old white impala - with about six black youths in it - I heard someone say come over here 'whiteboy'. I felt this cold chill come over and me and something said RUN! and I did run and the girl said where are you going. As I look back I figured out after these years that these guys were likely the original crips gang - the OG's they call them. Cold blooded killers - they likely already shot five people that week. I was also starting some really wierd compulsions - I started getting very paranoid and extremely depressed. It's so sad that I did'New Testament get to see a mental health professional - but they would have likely said there is nothing wrong with masturbation and looking at a playboy a couple times a week. I believed in the church at the time and everything they said and felt that I was wrong but could not stop.
I was lucky that I had a real bad mental break down in January 2004. I should have been in a board and care. But through trial and error and tweaking this and that doctors have been able to help me tremendously with medication. Starting January 2007 I really started feeling well -better than I had in all my life and things were really kicking in - of course then I came on FAIR when researching Mormon excommunication and had to deal with that and then reading critical thoughts which had the ring of truth. I wish I had this stuff back when I was twenty - I'm forty six now - but I'm real lucky to live in a country where I can get the help and take the time off to get back on my feet.
The kind of crazy thing was about two years ago I started investigating the great apes. There were expressions in humans that were so close to apes it caught my attention. Then I read up on it and my heart fell when I realized that chimps and humans came from a common ancestor. again, it has the ring of truth and everything I read since just reenforces it. Then I started reading about another Joseph Smith - one that never lived the life that the LDS church asks it's members to live - I got real scared but one day I had a flash go through my mind that said that there was a God and that it loved me - but it's outside one that we can really know here on this earth and that I'm going to be okay.
It's funny that when I read about the not so adoring history about the church - 90 percent of the craving for porn went away - I can't really put my finger on it but it's gone. Maybe it's because I see Joseph Smith sending Orson Hyde on a mission and then marrying his wife when he was gone alot worse than some of the things that I had done. Reading someone write - that he occupied the bed last night with the person's sister, the same bad he occupied with Bishop Partridges daughter last week - I ask myself am I asking too much of myself. Am I trying to shut down part of being human.