It's Smithmas-Eve!

[_Shulem]

DCP can leave MDB, but he can't leave it alone:

http://www.mormondialogue.org/topic/565 ... -smithmas/

I wonder if Dr. Peterson [Telestial-caliber material deleted]?

Oh my God! This is delicious to the taste and very desirable.

Paul O

[_Buffalo]

DCP can leave MDB, but he can't leave it alone:

http://www.mormondialogue.org/topic/565 ... -smithmas/

I wonder if Dr. Peterson [Telestial-caliber material deleted]?

Oh my God! This is delicious to the taste and very desirable.

Paul O

[_Quasimodo]

No, I mean, advances as in, "I'm the prophet, marry me."

In that case she is screwed (pun intended).

[_Dr. Shades]

It's Smithmas Eve, eh? In that case, this calls for some poetry:

'Twas the night before Smithmas, and on Temple Square
hung a most hopeless feeling of awful despair.
While the Morg missionaries led tours of the grounds,
there was no trace of cheer to be anywhere found.

And inside of the temple the mood did persist,
as fifteen men assembled (my sources insist).
Now, the men were "apostles," or so it is said,
by the folks known as "Mormons" who might be misled.

Then they each took their seats, their heads heavy with gloom,
for their bi-weekly meeting in the "Upper Room."
When they all became seated, one man took the stand,
he was M. Russell Ballard--What speech had he planned?

"There's a new thing out there," he began with a frown,
"If it isn't stopped soon, it will tear the church down!
Now it's time that we faced an insidious threat,
it's the worst one in years: It's called 'the Internet!'

And the members--from old to the young, I've heard tell--
they can eas'ly get on it, Goddamn it to Hell!
They can read what they want just by typing key-words!
And the normal folks do this, not just geeks and nerds!

Now, I've heard many stories of members aghast
when they first read the true and unsanitized past!
Because now people see that the hist'ry's been changed,
and they know Brigham's sermons sound fully deranged!

They can read the true stories of Danites and such,
and then learn how the prophets were way out of touch.
They can read how much Joseph was really a nut,
then they'll know the false doctrines out there--so now what?"

And then Thomas S. Monson said, "Men, it is true,
I'm afraid that this time I don't know what to do.
Saying, 'That was a couplet!' did okay before;
but now I highly doubt it will work anymore.

'I don't know that we teach that' did good for a time,
but to use it once more wouldn't be worth a dime.
And so history we can no longer suppress,
'cause the 'net's put a quick stop to all that, I guess.

So now what is there left? what deception to ply?
Now we'd better think fast, or just kiss it goodbye!"
And then Dallin spoke up and said, "What will we do
when the members find out that the church isn't true?

And so now what comes next? Has our cover been blown?"
Then the men all looked down, their sad fate to bemoan.
As the fifteen thought hard, all their faces real grim,
they then knew at that time that their chances were slim.

So the men got to thinking but came up with naught
'cept a horrible scene of a tithing boycott.
And then just at that point, things did get really bright,
And then just as you'd guess, the apostles took fright.

Then the glow in the room coalesced to the shape
of a six-foot tall man who looked strong as an ape.
See, the sudden appearance took all by surprise,
so they trembled, then coughed, then they squinted their eyes.

So, who was this strange specter they had to deal with?
Why, it's none other than the ghost of Joseph Smith!
"Holy cow!" said ol' Monson, "This is a bombshell!
'Cause we all thought for sure you were burning in Hell!"

Then Joe said, "I should smack you, now show me respect
since I stared your church--it is what I expect.
Now, I've come here to help you out of this fine fix,
'cause you know that when living, I was full of tricks.

When the members find something exposing the Morg,
just you don't worry none 'bout dot-com or dot-org.
And so if they should find out the meat before milk,
just refer them to FARMS and to FAIR and their ilk.

You can say, 'That's not doctrine,' then watch their doubts fade.
Tell them 'he was misquoted,' then fears are allayed!
'It was took out of context,' you can also say,
as you tell them to fast and you tell them to pray.

Those excuses work always; repeat them all when
any member returns to his doubting again."
"That's a real good idea!" Boyd Packer did shout,
"Yes, this spin-doct'ring surely will bail us all out!"

Joseph Smith cracked a smile, then he quick turned around,
'cause he knew he'd imparted a lesson profound.
And no more would the Brethren be worried at all,
'cause there wasn't a doubt that they couldn't forestall.

And then Joseph yelled out, "I have got to move on;
I have sev'ral young women to bang before dawn!
To Fanny! To Zina! And to Helen Mar!
To Lucy! To Patty!" (so many there are!)

The apostles were grateful, of that you could tell,
for this timely advice that went over so well.
And they heard Joe exclaim ere departing forthwith:
"MERRY SMITHMAS TO ALL, AND LONG LIVE JOSEPH'S MYTH!"

[_Quasimodo]

It's Smithmas Eve, eh? In that case, this calls for some poetry:

'Twas the night before Smithmas, and on Temple Square
hung a most hopeless feeling of awful despair.
while the Morg missionaries led tours of the grounds,
there was no trace of cheer to be anywhere found.

And inside of the temple the mood did persist,
as fifteen men assembled (my sources insist).
Now, the men were "apostles," or so it is said,
by the folks known as "Mormons" who might be misled.

Then they each took their seats, their heads heavy with gloom,
for their bi-weekly meeting in the "Upper Room."
When they all became seated, one man took the stand,
he was M. Russell Ballard--What speech had he planned?

"There's a new thing out there," he began with a frown,
"If it isn't stopped soon, it will tear the church down!
Now it's time that we faced an insidious threat,
it's the worst one in years: It's called 'the Internet!'

And the members--from old to the young, I've heard tell--
they can eas'ly get on it, Goddamn it to Hell!
They can read what they want just by typing key-words!
And the normal folks do this, not just geeks and nerds!

Now, I've heard many stories of members aghast
when they first read the true and unsanitized past!
Because now people see that the hist'ry's been changed,
and they know Brigham's sermons sound fully deranged!

They can read the true stories of Danites and such,
and then learn how the prophets were way out of touch.
They can read how much Joseph was really a nut,
then they'll know the false doctrines out there--so now what?"

And then Thomas S. Monson said, "Men, it is true,
I'm afraid that this time I don't know what to do.
Saying, 'That was a couplet!' did okay before;
but now I highly doubt it will work anymore.

'I don't know that we teach that' did good for a time,
but to use it once more wouldn't be worth a dime.
And so history we can no longer suppress,
'cause the 'net's put a quick stop to all that, I guess.

So now what is there left? what deception to ply?
Now we'd better think fast, or just kiss it goodbye!"
And then Dallin spoke up and said, "What will we do
when the members find out that the church isn't true?

And so now what comes next? Has our cover been blown?"
Then the men all looked down, their sad fate to bemoan.
As the fifteen thought hard, all their faces real grim,
they then knew at that time that their chances were slim.

So the men got to thinking but came up with naught
'cept a horrible scene of a tithing boycott.
And then just at that point, things did get really bright,
And then just as you'd guess, the apostles took fright.

Then the glow in the room coalesced to the shape
of a six-foot tall man who looked strong as an ape.
See, the sudden appearance took all by surprise,
so they trembled, then coughed, then they squinted their eyes.

So, who was this strange specter they had to deal with?
Why, it's none other than the ghost of Joseph Smith!
"Holy cow!" said ol' Monson, "This is a bombshell!
'Cause we all thought for sure you were burning in Hell!"

Then Joe said, "I should smack you, now show me respect
since I stared your church--it is what I expect.
Now, I've come here to help you out of this fine fix,
'cause you know that when living, I was full of tricks.

When the members find something exposing the Morg,
just you don't worry none 'bout dot-com or dot-org.
And so if they should find out the meat before milk,
just refer them to FARMS and to FAIR and their ilk.

You can say, 'That's not doctrine,' then watch their doubts fade.
Tell them 'he was misquoted,' then fears are allayed!
'It was took out of context,' you can also say,
as you tell them to fast and you tell them to pray.

Those excuses work always; repeat them all when
any member returns to his doubting again."
"That's a real good idea!" Boyd Packer did shout,
"Yes, this spin-doct'ring surely will bail us all out!"

Joseph Smith cracked a smile, then he quick turned around,
'cause he knew he'd imparted a lesson profound.
And no more would the Brethren be worried at all,
'cause there wasn't a doubt that they couldn't forestall.

And then Joseph yelled out, "I have got to move on;
I have sev'ral young women to bang before dawn!
To Fanny! To Zina! And to Helen Mar!
To Lucy! To Patty!" (so many there are!)

The apostles were grateful, of that you could tell,
For this timely advice that went over so well.
And they heard Joe exclaim ere departing forthwith:
"MERRY SMITHMAS TO ALL, AND LONG LIVE JOSEPH'S MYTH!"

Brilliant! How can we spread this across the internet?

[_Fence Sitter]

DCP can leave MDB, but he can't leave it alone:

http://www.mormondialogue.org/topic/565 ... -smithmas/

I am so tempered to reply to Dan's post saying we always celebrated Simthmas except when it fell on Sunday when we were not allowed to even allowed to watch TV.
But I am gutless.

[_Equality]

This man is positively greasy -- don't touch him! You'll get infected with VD and your crotch will get very itchy. I have it on good authority that this man had sex with over 25 different women! He was a hustler! He also had a lot of money and ate like a king. Mormon prophets are pretty well off, that's for sure. They live like royalty.

Paul O

Is anyone else creeped out by how much Steve Young looks like Brigham?

[_Shulem]

I hate you, Dr. Shades. You are the person I dislike the most on this board. I hope you have a lousy Smithmas. From now on, everytime I think of you it will include x-rated thoughts. Just thought you should know that.

Paul O

[_Quasimodo]

This man is positively greasy -- don't touch him! You'll get infected with VD and your crotch will get very itchy. I have it on good authority that this man had sex with over 25 different women! He was a hustler! He also had a lot of money and ate like a king. Mormon prophets are pretty well off, that's for sure. They live like royalty.

Paul O

Is anyone else creeped out by how much Steve Young looks like Brigham?

He looks like he could use a good wash, too. Must be a family thing.

[_Shulem]

He looks like he could use a good wash, too. Must be a family thing.

You can wash that man right out of your hair.

Isn't that a song? South Pacific?

Paul O