Religious humor

[_Ray A]

This is a story about J. Golden Kimball related by Sterling Mc Murrin to L.Jackson Newell, from the book Matters of Conscience:

Jack: Didn't President Grant also serve notice on J. Golden that from then on he would have to write his speeches in advance?

Mc Murrin: Yes, and at the next conference session I was sitting in the balcony near the front on the south side, because I didn't want to miss anything. When J. Golden stood up to speak, he took a folded manuscript out of his pocket and spread out the pages. The microphone carried the rattling sound all over the Tabernacle and this really meant something in those days when no one wrote out his sermon. They wouldn't think of it, of course, because it would be a sign that they weren't inspired. Well, J. Golden started: "The president and some of the other Brethren thought it would be a good idea if I would write my sermon out and submit it to them before I delivered it. So I'm going to have to read this sermon today." There was an air of expectancy, and everyone was trying to keep a straight face as J. Golden began to read aloud. He started having trouble right away—tumbling over the words and fumbling with the pages. [p. 188] Finally he turned around to President Grant, who was sitting just behind him, and said, "Hell, Heber, I can't read this damn thing."

A truly irrepressible spirit! What did President Grant do?

He laughed as hard as anybody. I was sitting close enough to see him. His attempt to censor J. Golden Kimball's sermons ended with that one effort. I know there are a lot of apocryphal J. Golden Kimball stories around, but this one is true. Let me tell you just one more. A very tall and thin man, he spoke at Obert Tanner's Sunday school class in the University Ward, telling about a time in the Southern States Mission when he had only one dime. "I was saving this dime to buy stamps to write to my dear old mother, but if I did that, then I'd have to fast. I was never built for fasting, and I never fasted either if I had a dime for a cup of coffee." He was a remarkable combination of humor and wisdom.

[_Gazelam]

Thank you Ray ! I love love love J Golden Kimball stories. I really need to track down that book.


"This city (Brigham City) looks like hell. You need to clean things up, mow the grass, paint your houses and barns. And you sisters, you could stand a little paint yourselves."

J. Golden once reprimanded a Southern Utah congregation for their lax disposition about being charitable and compassionate toward the less fortunate during the depths of the Great Depression. He told them the Depression would pass, but their uncaring attitudes toward others in need would remain as an inherent part of their character if they didn't change. "The Devil has you in his grip, brothers and sisters," he said, holding up a clenched fist. At this point of his castigation he paused for several minutes, changed the tenor of his talk, smiled slightly and said, "I have a story for all of you. I was told only a few days ago of the plight of a poor widow who lives among you. She had no money at all to buy a few essentials she needed. So she went out to her chicken coop and gathered up a few eggs in her apron. She walked to town and carefully laid them on the counter in front of the local grocer. She asked him what he would give her for them so she could buy the needed items from his store. He looked at the eggs and said, without hesitation, 'I'II give you a penny apiece for them and that's all!' A penny an egg, brothers and sisters, just a penny an egg. Can you believe that? Why, why that doesn't even pay for the wear and tear on the chicken's ass!" The congregation roared with laughter, but clearly got the point.

[_Ray A]

I really need to track down that book.

Mc Murrin only gives selected stories about J. Golden. I doubt it's the sort of book that would interest you, but it is online:

Matters of Conscience:Conversations with Sterling M. McMurrin...

Chapter 8, "Heresies and Criticism" is where you'll find the J. Golden content. Mc Murrin had the advantage of actually living in the J. Golden Kimball era.

[_Ray A]

Another J. Golden story:

Another time, while in southern Utah to speak at a stake conference, he'd ditched his traveling companion and headed off to a local restaurant for lunch. He was eating - a cup of coffee at the ready - when his companion caught up with him.

Said his horrified and self-righteous companion: "Why Brother Kimball, I'd rather commit adultery than drink a cup of coffee."

To which, J. Golden replied: "Who the hell wouldn't."

[_Ray A]

Mistaken Identity

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

[_Ray A]

Couldn't resist this one:

The Taxi Driver and the Minister

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[_Danna]

[_Bryan Inks]

Has been one of my favorites for a long time.

[_rcrocket]

God is a woman. How can you tell?

You'll be burning in hell and won't know the reason.

[_rcrocket]

A man stumbled across a bottle and picked it up. Out pops a genie.

The man says, "I'd like my three wishes."

The genie says, "This is not that kind of bottle. You only get one wish."

The man says, "I wish for a trip to Hawaii."

The genie says, "What airline do you want to fly?"

The man says, "I am afraid of flying."

The genie says, "Show up at the dock tomorrow and I'll have a berth on the boat waiting for you."

The man says, "I am afraid of water and boats."

The genie says, "What do you want, then?"

The man says, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii and I'll drive."

The genie says, "I'm not going to do that; pick another wish."

The man says, "I want to know how to understand women."

The genie says, "Do you want that bridge to be one lane or two?"