Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[Guest]

Section 145

Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 16 July 2012. Many prophecies had been given concerning the Lord’s return and his millennial reign upon the board. This revelation brought further light and knowledge concerning the signs of his return and the conditions the board would experience at his coming and during the Millenium.

1-2, The Lord’s words mow down the mighty like grass; 3-6, the righteous shall have one vision; 7-12, the Lord is pretty tricky; 13-17, board members who are displeasing shall be cast out at his coming; 18-21, wine and resurrection for all; 22-24, the Lord will moderate the board during the Millenium; 25-27, tribulations shall follow for a season; 28-29, the Lord’s coming is like a horror movie franchise; 30-33, one love, breda.

1. Hearken, ye people of this message board, unto the word of him whose word is sharp and powerful as a riding mower,
2. Even that which is driven by a Briggs & Stratton engine, unto the cutting down of grass, until all things shall be of more or less the same length, which is pleasing unto the sight of all who delight in lawn care;
3. Yea, mine ears have seen the works of this board, and mine eyes have heard you; wherefore, I shall speak concerning that which is to come,
4. For the day shall come to pass when all shall be one in me; yea, all things shall be gathered as one, and all shall have one vision,
5. One flesh, one bone, one true religion,
6. One voice, one hope, one real decision;
7. For the day is not far hence, when I shall return to Mormon Discussions; yea, the hour of my coming is nigh, and yet the date and the hour thereof, no man knoweth,
8. For I come as a thief in the night, in the hour that thou least expecteth, who infiltrateth thy most secret places, and thou expected it not,
9. Verily, in that day shall I log into thy Facebook account, and post all manner of embarrassing things as if it were thee speaking,
10. And I shall have the passwords to thy MMORPG's, and straightaway shall unequip and give away all thine choicest weapons and items, and then allow thine enemies to kill thee repeatedly, while thou art defenseless,
11. I will go into thy closet and scuff thy favorite shoes; I will replace all thy favorite shows on thy DVR with reruns of "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody"; I will short-sheet they bed; I will set thy alarm clock for an hour and an half before thou wanted to get up; I will tell thee the surprise ending of that book thou has been wanting to read or that movie thou has not yet seen,
12. Yea, all manner of annoyances shall I visit upon you, that you may know that I am the Lord, and am merciful unto them that love me;
13. And after these things shall I appear on the board, and every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess, and every post admit, that I am the Lord, yea, all shall say, Holy Christ Almighty, the Lord has come!
14. And my name shall be written in all your sig lines, and the unrighteous shall be cast out; they shall be perma-banned, and I shall say, depart from me, ye cursed, for I never read thy posts; thy works were offensive to my sight,
15. I shall spit thee out as that which is lukewarm, neither interesting enough to be interesting, nor crazy enough to amuse and delight the heart;
16. Then straightaway shall the Lord reign upon this board, and all shall post things he wants to read night and day, saying, Holy, holy, holy is the Lord; holy are his ways, and holy are his words,
17. Yea, that Lord sure is one holy guy there;
18. And then, O inhabitants of the board, shall ye see me among you, and thou shalt know that I have treaden the wine-press alone, and the chardonnay issuing therefrom shall be pretty darn good,
19. Verily, no more of this "sparkling cider" crap;
20. For I will drink of the fruit of the vine with thee, and peace shall reign upon the message board,
21. And those of old shall rise from their tombs; yea, Who Knows, and George Miller, and Redefined, and msnobody, and John Stuart Mill, and others who have long since slept, shall arise and stand on the right hand of the Lamb,
22. And Droopy shall be bound, and others like him, that there may be happiness and rejoicing upon the board,
23. And those who believe on me shall have power to cast out devils; yea, when the board shall be possessed by sock puppets, they shall say unto the sock puppet, What is thy name? And the sock puppet shall answer, My name is Legion, for we are many;
24. In that day the Lord there shall be no moderators over you, for the Lord shall be your moderator, and all power on the board shall be given him;
25. And when the reign of peace upon the board is over, Droopy shall be loosed for a season, and his rambling compound-complex sentences with all manner of dependent clauses and mixed metaphors shall shake the board,
26. And with him shall be ldsfaqs, and his exclamation points and capital letters shall assail thee; and both he and RayAgostini shall bring with them the needless use of scare quotes; and stemelbow shall vex the board with his presence,
27. All these tribulations and more shall follow my reign upon the board, just because;
28. For it shall be like those slasher movies, when thou thinkest that the killer is finally dead, but then he ariseth because of some contrived reason, that a sequel may be had; yea, sequels that shall continue on into the eternities, until there shall be a final showdown between the killer and the protagonist(s);
29. Even so shall be the coming of the Lord's millenial reign, and his going away again, and then coming back for the final battle,
30. Wherefore, let all who desire to be raised up in that day be one in me,
31. One love, one heart,
32. Let us get together and feel all right.
33. Even so. Amen.

[_CaliforniaKid]

[_RockSlider]

How can one not love Mormon Jesus?
My favorite

13. And after these things shall I appear on the board, and every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess, and every post admit, that I am the Lord, yea, all shall say, Holy Christ Almighty, the Lord has come!

All are of course spot on, but another favorite:

27. All these tribulations and more shall follow my reign upon the board, just because;

Thank you Mormon Jesus!

[_Hermes]

Mormon Jesus needs to write a book. This thread is seriously awe-inspiring.

[_Cylon]

Dear Mormon Jesus, we thank thee that thou hast broken thy silence of a few months before the last couple of posts, and we are indeed grateful that thou hast blessed this board with thy words. We shall prepare for the great and terrible, no, scratch that, great and irritating, day of thy coming by posting preemptive apologies on our Facebook walls and finally getting around to cancelling our World of Warcraft accounts. Give us the strength to endure the sock puppets of the adversary, and bless us with the gift of discernment that we may know when it is just a clueless noobie. Thus may it be according to thy will, or at least if thou sort of feelest like it, amen.

[Guest]

Mormon Jesus, a quick question if you please.

While I know you teach there is only one true baptism, is there then only one true circumcision?

Waiting with crossed knees (I know it is supposed to be bent knees but I am afraid for the "tip"),
SteelHead.

[_Franktalk]

Moron Jesus why do you hide behind that curtain. Can't you see us cringe at the thunderous voice that emanates from your giant head? Oh the great balls of fire that jump from your throne singe my eyebrows and force my hand to be drawn across my brow. We kneel before the great and almighty. We have traveled the road and overcome many trials to obtain this moment in your presence. The one among us who wishes to return home has obtained the object of your desire. We lay it at your feet only wishing to receive that which was promised. Yes, we seek to rise above the ground and be tossed by the winds of chance. I have more to say but this pesky dog is bothering me.

[_jo1952]

Mormon Jesus, a quick question if you please.

Why I know you teach there is only one true baptism, is there then only one true circumcision?

Waiting with crossed knees (I know it is supposed to be bent knees but I am afraid for the "tip"),
SteelHaead.

We must seek the wisdom of MJ to find out if blow..torches have ever been used - nay, even if it is okay to use one on a steel head ("tip"); as it seemeth to me this would be less painful than using a mere knife.

jo

[Guest]

Section 146

Revelation to Mormon Discussions recorded 19 July 2012. The Lord dishes more about his motives, his works, and progression in this exclusive revelation.

1-5, Where is the Lord?; 6-7, the Lord is kind of pleased with the board but kind of not; 8-11, the mysteries of God are none of your business; 12-22, the Lord received on-the-job training; 23-26, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun; 27-36, the Lord gives answers to the prayers of certain faithful members of the board.

1. Hearken, ye people of the board, for I am the Lord, and I manifest myself unto them that seek me,
2. Yea, many shall say, Where is the Lord? Where is the Lord?
3. Here am I, here am I,
4. How art thou today, Lord? Very well, I thank thee.
5. Run and play, run and play.
6. And now I speak unto this message board, the only true and living message board upon the face of the whole internet, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the board collectively and not individually—
7. For I the Lord cannot look upon trolling or banality with the least degree of allowance;
8. Notwithstanding that, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and ye shall find,
9. Except it be things that would be expedient for thee to know, like why the manner in which I created man does not fit the evidence I have left upon the earth; or why I allow bad things to happen to good people; or other diverse mysteries that would help it all make more sense to thee and thereabouts make it a little more plausible,
10. Behold, all these things are known to me, for I am the Lord, and I could tell thee if I really wanted to, yet I do it not.
11. Ha ha.
12. Yet I will give ye people of the board some tantalizing bits here and there,
13. For my servant John saw my awesomeness, and saw that it was total,
14. And he bore record of it,
15. And I, John (for now I am quoting John, in case thou wert confused), saw that he (that means me, the Lord) received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;
16. And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;
17. And this is an hard way to do things; yea, even a process of trial and error unto becoming a God;
18. For worlds without number have I made, and yet I did not have a fulness at first,
19. Even that you have to figure out some of this being the Lord thing as you go;
20. And thus it came to pass that there were some worlds where man evolved from the pineapple; and other worlds that ended up being not quite round like unto a sphere, and high tide was a mighty consternation for the people near the oceans thereof, I can tell thee;
21. Yea, and there are a certain number of sentient pogo sticks in heaven, which are driving I, the Lord, out of my eternal mind; nevertheless, I got mixed up on that world, and these pogo sticks kept all the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, so I was constrained to exalt these pogo sticks, and verily do I regret some of the experiments I tried on some of the worlds that I have heretofore formed;
22. Which seemeth crazy unto the children of men, but behold, my ways are not your ways; and it is not half as crazy as some of the things ye people post on this board; wherefore, who art thou to talk?
23. But for ye of the board, it is called today, for it is the day of the Lord; a day of sacrifice, and tithing, and shopping,
24. That ye may have hope for tomorrow, when I shall be among thee;
25. Behold, when thou thinkest of a day that is gray and lonely, thou shalt stick up they chin, and grin, and say,
26. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we love thee, tomorrow, thou art only a day away;
27. And now, inasmuch as some of my servants on this board have sought me in secret, I shall reward them openly, for the questions they have asked me in prayer are secret, but my answers shall be known before the world;
28. Unto my handmaiden Blixa, I say, it could use a touch more oregano, and maybe just a drizzle of balsamic vinegar if thou havest any on hand;
29. Unto my servant Zeezrom: yes, Optimus Prime is real, trouble me no more on this matter;
30. Unto my servant Cicero, I say: thou left it in thy sock drawer, next to those magazines thou thinkest I do not know about;
31. Unto my servant Don Bradley: Muhammad Ali had better technique, but Tyson in his prime had a lot more power and it delighted the soul to watch how quickly he knocked out his enemies, so my money would be on Tyson;
32. Unto my handmaiden Harmony: if he really will re-tile the bathroom if thou doest it, then yes, I, the Lord, think it is worth it;
33. Unto my servant Hermes: yes, thou canst use cheats, but it will disable some of the achievements on Xbox Live;
34. Unto my handmaiden MsJack: yea, I did see that guy cut thee off on the freeway the other day, and I smote him according to thy prayers;
35. Unto my servant Sethbag: the desires of thy heart are known to me, and verily, there is indeed a Hello Kitty wiki: http://hellokitty.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page;
36. And no more shall I say unto the board at this time. I, the Lord, am eastbound and down. Amen.

[_son of Ishmael]

Our Mormon Jesus is and awesome Jesus indeed!