Split from Harmony's Thread, Who Needs To Know?

[_Scottie]

They have intimacy problems. They have trust issues. It is VERY hard to be married to someone who has these issues. I was married to one.

Granted, sometimes abused women have intimacy problems and trust issues. However, those problems aren't the sole property of abused women. I know several people who have intimacy problems and trust issues who were not abused as children, some of which aren't women. Many men have problems with intimacy and trust, although the problems tend to manifest themselves differently for men than for women. That sometimes abuse victims will manifest intimacy and trust issues doesn't mean everyone with intimacy and trust issues was abused, nor does it mean that it is the norm for abuse victims to manifest those kinds of problems.

I guess my question would be, how many abused children will develop these problems?

The same abuse effects different people differently. Of a pair of abused sisters who usually suffered the abuse together, one became extremely promiscous, married several times, had numerous affairs and the other opted for a traditional marriage although she refused to have children. Same abuse, different outcomes.

Agreed.

And how does one know, prior to marriage, that one has intimacy or trust issues, if intimacy prior to marriage is forbidden?

Intimacy and trust are shown in MANY more ways than just the bedroom.

Also, there are women who are VERY sexually active before marriage, but once the I do's are said, they have a complete sexual shut down.

So, using sex as the guideline of how trusting and intimate a partner is going to be is a bad idea.

[_harmony]

I think the key here is "varying levels". You cannot sense that right away, and no one should be written off because someone sniffs a "varying level". That "varying level" can rise...or it can fall. Mine have over the years. I'd be utterly alone if I were subjected to some of the judgement I've seen on this thread, seriously. And I'm a good person. That's alarming. I'm grateful for those who saw past the "varying levels" to the heart beneath.

I don't think anybody here is saying that you can sense that "right away". Hence my post where I said that you can hide it for a while, but not long.

And nobody is saying you're not a good person. I ADORE YOU!! But being a good person doesn't always equate with being a good match. I know my limits. I know my personality. I know what level of emotional support I can offer someone. It sounds as if I would not be able to provide you the amount of support you need. You have been lucky enough to find someone that can provide that for you. That is GREAT!

However, you seem to be condemning me because I am not able to provide that. Should I be labeled the bastard because I know my limits? If I were to date a girl for a year and her personality was such that she was closed off, emotionally unavailable, etc., regardless if she told me about past abuses or not, should I not be able to decide that she is not the best match for me without being labeled a bastard?

I don't think that's the case at all, Scottie.

Obviously the woman is not closed off or emotionally unavailable if they've been dating for long enough for her to feel comfortable disclosing that which is hidden from the general public. But to then be discarded as "damaged goods" after having been "acceptable" is grounds, I think, for the guy to carry the label you mention. Or do you not agree?

[_Scottie]

I don't think that's the case at all, Scottie.

Obviously the woman is not closed off or emotionally unavailable if they've been dating for long enough for her to feel comfortable disclosing that which is hidden from the general public. But to then be discarded as "damaged goods" after having been "acceptable" is grounds, I think, for the guy to carry the label you mention. Or do you not agree?

Yes, I do agree with you. And you raise a good point. If a girl is able to maintain a stable, healthy relationship for a year, she obviously must not have the intimacy and trust issues that we're talking about. Usually girls that have these kinds of issues can't stay in a relationship for very long. They will end up sabotaging it so they don't have to get too close.

And, absolutely!! If a guy has been dating a girl for upwards of 2 years and everything is going swimmingly, then she confides in him about a past sexual abuse and this single thing changes his view of the girl, I will label him a bastard right along with you.

Now, on the flip side, I've dated Mormon girls and "hidden" my true beliefs from them. Things are going great! We click really well. However, when I reveal that I'm not a believer, the girl dumps me. Can we call her a bitch because she let this one fact determine my worth?

[_Yoda]

Can we call her a bitch because she let this one fact determine my worth?

Yes!

Provided that you have not been dishonest with her, or misled her to believe that you were LDS.

[_Sam Harris]

I think the key here is "varying levels". You cannot sense that right away, and no one should be written off because someone sniffs a "varying level". That "varying level" can rise...or it can fall. Mine have over the years. I'd be utterly alone if I were subjected to some of the judgement I've seen on this thread, seriously. And I'm a good person. That's alarming. I'm grateful for those who saw past the "varying levels" to the heart beneath.

I don't think anybody here is saying that you can sense that "right away". Hence my post where I said that you can hide it for a while, but not long.

And nobody is saying you're not a good person. I ADORE YOU!! But being a good person doesn't always equate with being a good match. I know my limits. I know my personality. I know what level of emotional support I can offer someone. It sounds as if I would not be able to provide you the amount of support you need. You have been lucky enough to find someone that can provide that for you. That is GREAT!

However, you seem to be condemning me because I am not able to provide that. Should I be labeled the bastard because I know my limits? If I were to date a girl for a year and her personality was such that she was closed off, emotionally unavailable, etc., regardless if she told me about past abuses or not, should I not be able to decide that she is not the best match for me without being labeled a bastard?

Scottie,

I'm not really speaking for myself, per se. I'm at a point where I can stand on my own two feet emotionally. I used to be very clingy, very codependent, I used to have very low self-esteem...list goes on. I've worked on those issues. My mom even told me with regards to my current relationship that she's comfortable with it and where I am because she knows that if it didn't work I'd just "drop it/him". Quite true.

Thank you for adoring me. I love my public *takes tongue out of cheek*. You're cool peeps too, Scottie. I'm not condemning you, I'm just having trouble with the idea that a person who has been abused is this person who needs all this special handling by those around her. Only if she shows/says from the get-go that this is so (and given the availability of help these days, many do, and given how manypeople I've seen who have shown their issues from the get go if they're that serious...) should any questions be raised.

Knowing someone has been abused should not be grounds for suspicion. Otherwise a lot of people will be in the closet.

[_Sam Harris]

If a girl is able to maintain a stable, healthy relationship for a year, she obviously must not have the intimacy and trust issues that we're talking about.

Not necessarily. How can you place such guidelines on things like these? What research have you done on this?

[_Scottie]

If a girl is able to maintain a stable, healthy relationship for a year, she obviously must not have the intimacy and trust issues that we're talking about.

Not necessarily. How can you place such guidelines on things like these? What research have you done on this?

Doesn't it stand to reason that if a girl has intimacy/trust issues, she most likely won't be in an intimate relationship where she needs to trust??

But, I'm certainly not an expert in the field. I'm simply speaking from my experiences and offering my opinion on things as I see them. You are free to take them or leave them.

[_Sam Harris]

All of my girlfriends have trust issues and are/have been in long-term relationships.

I have trust issues and am in a relationship. My partner has trust issues. We work through them.

[_asbestosman]

Many many women have the same hangups I do (they are uncomfortable being unclothed or they cannot sleep if someone is touching them), but that doesn't mean their hangups exist for the same reasons mine do (maybe they have a poor body image because of an overly critical mother or they never had to share a bed).

I can't sleep if I'm being touched which is a shame becuase my wife is a cuddler. I guarantee it has nothing to do with abuse. Anyhow, we have found ways to compromise on this. It probably would have been nice for us if we had known about it beforehand though.

[_Scottie]

All of my girlfriends have trust issues and are/have been in long-term relationships.

I have trust issues and am in a relationship. My partner has trust issues. We work through them.

Good points. I'm open to changing my mind about this.