Advice needed re: Wife/The Spirit/Questioning Mormonism

[_Who Knows]

Just looking for some advice here (mostly needed from critics/those who've left the church - you'll see why).

To make a long story short, I'm no longer active in the church (i'm still technically a member, but in name only). I 'left' about a year ago. At first, it was extremely difficult on my wife. But as time has gone on, she has now eventually started to question the church, and admits 'the lds church probably isn't the one and only true church'. (for all you TBMers out there - no, i have not pressured my wife at all. In fact, the only time we talk about the church is when she brings it up, or has a question about something - and I still fully support her in her going to church, and her church callings).

But there's something she can't get over. She says she feels more cynical now, and doesn't want to be. She feels like whatever she hears in church now, she has to question it. And this has led her to feel like she 'doesn't feel the spirit any more like she used to'.

So, what I'm looking for advice on, is how to respond to this. I see it kind of like getting out of your comfort zone. Things have changed, so of course, your life is going to change. Things are going to take on different meanings.

An analogy I just thought of is how christmas was never the same once you found out that there was no santa claus. Sure, christmas is still great, but it doesn't carry the same excitement it did when you were a kid. You have to find a different way of enjoying christmas.

Any thoughts?

[_rcrocket]

Jesus Christ ain't no Santa Claus. You'll burn in hell for hurting your family.

Other than that comment, I would just let your wife continue to seek her own level and be supportive. You should try and keep your family together, particularly if you have kids, more than anything else.

P

[_Bond...James Bond]

Just looking for some advice here (mostly needed from critics/those who've left the church - you'll see why).

To make a long story short, I'm no longer active in the church (i'm still technically a member, but in name only). I 'left' about a year ago. At first, it was extremely difficult on my wife. But as time has gone on, she has now eventually started to question the church, and admits 'the lds church probably isn't the one and only true church'. (for all you TBMers out there - no, i have not pressured my wife at all. In fact, the only time we talk about the church is when she brings it up, or has a question about something - and I still fully support her in her going to church, and her church callings).

But there's something she can't get over. She says she feels more cynical now, and doesn't want to be. She feels like whatever she hears in church now, she has to question it. And this has led her to feel like she 'doesn't feel the spirit any more like she used to'.

So, what I'm looking for advice on, is how to respond to this. I see it kind of like getting out of your comfort zone. Things have changed, so of course, your life is going to change. Things are going to take on different meanings.

An analogy I just thought of is how christmas was never the same once you found out that there was no santa claus. Sure, christmas is still great, but it doesn't carry the same excitement it did when you were a kid. You have to find a different way of enjoying christmas.

Any thoughts?

Not married, so disregard if you wish. But as someone who left religion and started questioning everything I ever believed, it really puts you into a tailspin. You start wondering about the afterlife (and if it exists) and you start wondering about God (and if he/she/they exist). After a while you start wondering and questioning just about everything. It really puts you in a bad place when you start getting the feeling "that you have no purpose" or something to that effect.

So I took all my issues to my parents, and got some good advice. They said, "whatever you believe, we support you and love you." You might want to say the same thing to your wife. Something along the lines of, "[Name], I know you're questioning your faith. That's alright. I'll support whatever you want to do. The one thing you should never question is that I love you and will always support whatever you want to do. etc etc". Basically being "the rock" for someone questioning faith (which is important in my opinion) is the best thing you can be. Supportive but not pushy about faith, because at the end of the day faith is personal. Just my two cents.

[_Who Knows]

Jesus Christ ain't no Santa Claus. You'll burn in hell for hurting your family.

That's why I said I needed advice from critics/exmos...

Other than that comment, I would just let your wife continue to seek her own level and be supportive. You should try and keep your family together, particularly if you have kids, more than anything else.

That's obviously goal #1. We are in absolutely no danger there. Well, except for right after i 'came out' to her - and she accused me of cheating on her. But we're long past that now.

So, anyways, if it's not 'the spirit' that is gone, what is it? Any ideas?

[_Bond...James Bond]

Just looking for some advice here (mostly needed from critics/those who've left the church - you'll see why).

To make a long story short, I'm no longer active in the church (i'm still technically a member, but in name only). I 'left' about a year ago. At first, it was extremely difficult on my wife. But as time has gone on, she has now eventually started to question the church, and admits 'the lds church probably isn't the one and only true church'. (for all you TBMers out there - no, i have not pressured my wife at all. In fact, the only time we talk about the church is when she brings it up, or has a question about something - and I still fully support her in her going to church, and her church callings).

But there's something she can't get over. She says she feels more cynical now, and doesn't want to be. She feels like whatever she hears in church now, she has to question it. And this has led her to feel like she 'doesn't feel the spirit any more like she used to'.

So, what I'm looking for advice on, is how to respond to this. I see it kind of like getting out of your comfort zone. Things have changed, so of course, your life is going to change. Things are going to take on different meanings.

An analogy I just thought of is how christmas was never the same once you found out that there was no santa claus. Sure, christmas is still great, but it doesn't carry the same excitement it did when you were a kid. You have to find a different way of enjoying christmas.

Any thoughts?

Dang. I had a long post and it got deleted. Here's the gist of it.

Not married, so disregard if you so choose. I would say "[Name], I know you're questioning your faith. That's alright. You're allowed to question anything you want. The only thing you should never question is that I love you and will support you in whatever you want to do. etc etc".

Edit: I guess my message went through. This is the readers digest version.

Bond

[_truth dancer]

Hey Who knows...

One thing I notice often happens is that in the church we start to believe the only time we can "feel the spirit," is if we are involved in the church somehow. We feel the spirit in the temple, at a pageant, during FHE, in church, listening to LDS hymns etc. etc. etc.

I think it is comforting to realize that the world is filled with that peaceful, tender feeling regardless of what is one's religion or belief.

In other words, for me, my letting go of the church was not so much a letting go of the goodness but more realizing the goodness is much more pervasive and expansive.

I wonder if your wife were able to have some really beautiful experiences where she "felt the spirit" in other ways... in nature, in volunteering at a cancer unit for children, by visiting other holy sites, or whatever, maybe she would realize that those powerful emotions are not exclusive to any church, any building, any religion, or any individual? (I'm not saying she doesn't do these things but I'm thinking more if she equates these feelings with the spirit).

Personally, my "spiritual experiences" are stronger and more powerful and more peaceful than ever, even though they no longer mean quite the same thing.

Just thinking with you! :-)

~dancer~

[_Who Knows]

Hey Who knows...

One thing I notice often happens is that in the church we start to believe the only time we can "feel the spirit," is if we are involved in the church somehow. We feel the spirit in the temple, at a pageant, during FHE, in church, listening to LDS hymns etc. etc. etc.

I think it is comforting to realize that the world is filled with that peaceful, tender feeling regardless of what is one's religion or belief.

In other words, for me, my letting go of the church was not so much a letting go of the goodness but more realizing the goodness is much more pervasive and expansive.

I wonder if your wife were able to have some really beautiful experiences where she "felt the spirit" in other ways... in nature, in volunteering at a cancer unit for children, by visiting other holy sites, or whatever, maybe she would realize that those powerful emotions are not exclusive to any church, any building, any religion, or any individual? (I'm not saying she doesn't do these things but I'm thinking more if she equates these feelings with the spirit).

Personally, my "spiritual experiences" are stronger and more powerful and more peaceful than ever, even though they no longer mean quite the same thing.

Just thinking with you! :-)

~dancer~

Thanks Truth. You make some great points. She does teach yoga, and says she finds some spirituality there.

I guess it just has something to do with filling some void. Religion/Mormonism fills that void for some people. When that is thrown out the window, you have to find something else to fill it.

And thanks Bond for your thoughts. They make sense, and I'm trying to do exactly what you noted.

[_Mister Scratch]

Jesus Christ ain't no Santa Claus. You'll burn in hell for hurting your family.

That's why I said I needed advice from critics/exmos...

Other than that comment, I would just let your wife continue to seek her own level and be supportive. You should try and keep your family together, particularly if you have kids, more than anything else.

That's obviously goal #1. We are in absolutely no danger there. Well, except for right after i 'came out' to her - and she accused me of cheating on her. But we're long past that now.

So, anyways, if it's not 'the spirit' that is gone, what is it? Any ideas?

I would encourage her to see her questioning as a positive. That is, rather than seeing this as some kind of "negative" cynicism, why not view it as newfound curiosity about not just the Church, but the world? I think your wife should be celebrating her newfound freedom, and the sloughing off of old naïvété! I would remind her that one does not need to follow the Brethren hook, line, and sinker to be a good Mormon, and that one can interpret the Gospel in all sorts of ways and still live a very rich and meaningful spiritual life.

[_Yoda]

Truth Dancer makes a good point.

I'm still active in the Church. Once I realized that I could discern what was best for me, and it wasn't essential that I bought all aspects of the Church "hook, line, and sinker", it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I still have issues with polygamy, MMM, and other aspects of Church doctrine.

But I still pray. I still know that Heavenly Father loves me. I can still receive personal revelation pertaining to myself and my family. None of "the important stuff" has changed.

I've learned to say "no." I've learned to not feel guilty about not being perfect all the time. I've learned that there are beautiful truths and ways to feel the spirit in other venues, even other churches. It's a very liberating experience!

Bond is also wise beyond his years, and gives good advice. ;) Reassure her. Let you know that you love her and are there for her.

[_Yoda]

I would encourage her to see her questioning as a positive. That is, rather than seeing this as some kind of "negative" cynicism, why not view it as newfound curiosity about not just the Church, but the world? I think your wife should be celebrating her newfound freedom, and the sloughing off of old naïvété! I would remind her that one does not need to follow the Brethren hook, line, and sinker to be a good Mormon, and that one can interpret the Gospel in all sorts of ways and still live a very rich and meaningful spiritual life.

OMG, Scratch! I just read your post after I posted mine! Great minds think alike! LOL We must be soulmates! :)