BYU Reintroduces Electroshock Therapy

[_moksha]

(I know this is a week or so early, but I just read this potentially Pulitzer prize winning news report and had to share it):

BYU Reintroduces Electroshock Therapy
by Runtu, MD News Bureau

Brigham Young University announced that they have recently resumed a program of electroshock aversion therapy to help students overcome serious personal problems.

"We hadn't used the machines since the mid-1990s," said program director Harland Abramson. "The Brethren let us know that they've been seeing an increase in personal problems among students and asked for suggestions. We felt prompted to take 'Old Sparky' and 'The Tickler' out of storage and put them back into use."

Reporters were quick to ask why the university was using a controversial therapy process that had been shown to have no effect on homosexual desires.

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that," said a suddenly indignant Abramson. "We aren't using the machines on homosexuals. We learned way back in the late 1970s that genital shocking was not an effective treatment, which is why we discontinued the practice in 1996."

Abramson explained that the new program deals with "those who are tossed about by the winds of doctrine" and who need a little spiritual enlightenment.

Religion Professor A. LeGrand Hendry explained the science behind the new practice. "These are students who have lost the light of the gospel. As we know, electricity shares some properties with light, so what we are doing is trying to shine the light of the gospel back into their lives through electrodes."

Hendry described the procedure.

"First we monitor students' actions in class, at church, and in any online forums. If there is evidence of doubting or questioning, the student is brought here to the Kimball Tower for evaluation."

Evaluation consists of a brief word-association exercise, said Hendry. "For example, if I say the word 'follow,' and they say 'your conscience,' I know they're good candidates for the program. If instead, they answer 'the prophet,' I am certain they are on the right path but will require further monitoring."

Students are then hooked up to the machine and exposed to various pictures and words. Negative words, such as "critical thinking," and negative pictures, such as a girl with teased hair, are accompanied by mild shocks to the genitals. When students see positive words, such as "obedience," and positive pictures, such as a group photo of the Quorum of the Twelve, soothing voices tell them how good it feels.

Tyler Hayes, a sophomore from Walnut Creek, California, expressed gratitude for the program. "At the beginning of the school year, I was really struggling. I'm so glad I told my bishop about my doubts. 4 months of therapy, and the doubt is gone. The only problem is that I get, um, kind of aroused every time I hear the words to "Called to Serve" or see a picture of James E. Faust. But it's worth it to be standing on solid gospel ground. And the scars have almost healed."

McKenzie Wilson of Rock Springs, Wyoming, told of her journey from rebellious feminist to iron-rod Mormon: "I'm not sure how it happened, but I lost sight of the important things in life. I was planning for a career in academia and had started volunteering for the ACLU. Once my poli-sci professor got wind of that, I was here at the Kimball Tower every week." She paused, choking up. "Now I can say that I understand my true potential as a daughter of God. Before I started the program, I thought that being a tenured professor would help me feel fulfilled, but now I know that such a path brings only pain, searing genital pain. After months of seeing those images of happy babies, I know my destiny, and I'm so grateful for it."

If the program is successful, it may be expanded for use in local wards and stakes to combat outbreaks of independent thought.

###

[_Trinity]

The only problem is that I get, um, kind of aroused every time I hear the words to "Called to Serve" or see a picture of James E. Faust. But it's worth it to be standing on solid gospel ground. And the scars have almost healed."

McKenzie Wilson of Rock Springs, Wyoming, told of her journey from rebellious feminist to iron-rod Mormon: "I'm not sure how it happened, but I lost sight of the important things in life. I was planning for a career in academia and had started volunteering for the ACLU. Once my poli-sci professor got wind of that, I was here at the Kimball Tower every week." She paused, choking up. "Now I can say that I understand my true potential as a daughter of God. Before I started the program, I thought that being a tenured professor would help me feel fulfilled, but now I know that such a path brings only pain, searing genital pain. After months of seeing those images of happy babies, I know my destiny, and I'm so grateful for it."

LOL!

[_bcspace]

Will that be 110 or 220? Or, if your sins are small, we have a variety of low amperage direct currents available. Just bring your adapter. For raging antiMormonism, we have a special induction connected circuit coming off the local power line. If you're just low brow, we recommend you don't waste our time and just lick your fingers and stick them in the nearest wall-socket....lol

[_Runtu]

Will that be 110 or 220? Or, if your sins are small, we have a variety of low amperage direct currents available. Just bring your adapter. For raging antiMormonism, we have a special induction connected circuit coming off the local power line. If you're just low brow, we recommend you don't waste our time and just lick your fingers and stick them in the nearest wall-socket....lol

I like that. :-)

You reminded me of when my son was little and he put a key into a light socket, burning his fingers. Ouch.

Love the signature, by the way.

[_KimberlyAnn]

I love this parody! What a fantastic job, Runtu. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a genius.

KA

[_Runtu]

I love this parody! What a fantastic job, Runtu. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a genius.

KA

Thanks. Of course, you made mincemeat out of me during that parody contest last year!

Love the new avatar. :-)

[_Bond...James Bond]

ROFL! Runtu's a genius!

I got a couple new parodies coming out soon. I'll try to get it out on my blog tonight.

[_Jersey Girl]

Will that be 110 or 220? Or, if your sins are small, we have a variety of low amperage direct currents available. Just bring your adapter. For raging antiMormonism, we have a special induction connected circuit coming off the local power line. If you're just low brow, we recommend you don't waste our time and just lick your fingers and stick them in the nearest wall-socket....lol

LOL, bc!

[_Mephitus]

This reminds me of a story i heard a few weeks back. This todler had made it a habit of peeing in a power socket just for the fun of watching it spark and arc. The father in fear that the child would kill itself watched him as he walked around and as he was about to do it again, shocked him with something (i forget with what, but was reportedly a very mild shock). Of course when this got out he was promptly arrested for child abuse. He claimed that it was to teach the kid what could happen.

you ask me, im on the dads side. Stupid kid would have killed himself.