Cedar City, Utah: I felt the documentary was very informative and objective and struck a fair balance. I'm curious what your personal thoughts are about the Mormon faith. What was the most fascinating thing you learned as you worked on the documentary? What is your general feeling now about the Mormon religion?
Helen Whitney: I was struck by the emphasis on certainty in your religion. I come from a tradition which encourages doubt and questioning. My own faith is inflected with doubt which I feel is intimately connected to my faith. However, I sense from many conversations with Mormon believers that doubt can be seen as undermining of the faith, even dangerous to it. When I went to my first testimonial meeting, and heard men, women and children describe their faith using the words "I know" I was truly surprised. They didn't use words like: I hope, I believe, I intuit, but the ubiquitous phrase I know. For some Mormons, this can be inspirational, and yet for others it can be intimidating and discourage them from voicing their own questions. Nonetheless, as I spent time in the Mormon culture I came to learn that their certainty is a complex many layered encounter with the divine.
I was born in the covenant and grew up questioning many parts of Mormonism and God but it was not something my TBM mother ever approved of. My father who was a closet doubter, welcomed my questioning but never let me take it too far. This was something even as a child that bothered me in the Mormon church, especially during testimony meeting each month.
As an adult I often longed to have this "sure knowledge" that other Mormons claimed to have. I never could have said that I knew God existed or that the church was true "beyond a shadow of a doubt." I had strong faith,belief, & desire that He did exist and that the priesthood was restored, but never once in my entire life could I have said "I know." As a result, I can't think of a time that I bore testimony in the church using those words.
A short time ago I had spoken with a TBM family member about my inactivity so they could hear my side and not the rumors. I was struck by the certainty this person had with their testimony of the Mormon church and God/Jesus/Holy Ghost. She felt that because I didn't have "a sure knowledge" that she had, that I had left room for Satan to come in and plant seeds of doubt. I told her that I won't "KNOW" God exists until I die but that I had a strong faith and testimony that
He does exist. This was something she couldn't understand and has now attributed my dissillusionment of the church to it. We then went on to discuss what it would take for me to "know" such as angels appearing vs. the Spirit speaking, how I prayed when asking for testimony, how often I read my scriptures, if God wre to appear etc.
Of course there must be something wrong with me since I don't know 100% and allow for the possibility that I could be wrong.
I told her it is dishonest for me to say "I know" something that I can't really know until I pass on from mortality. I thought those who were given a sure knowledge were very few in the scriptures and held to full accountability if they rejected God. (outer darkness) Faith is not only trusting in His words,commandments, etc. , but also in believing something that we haven't been given a "sure knowledge of." That was how I always understood it.
Helen Whitney's observation really hit close to home because I had always felt soemthing was wrong with me as a Mormon when I couldn't say "I know" and if I admitted that I had questions or doubts. Her faith allows that and has intimately connected her to God. That is healthy, not dangerous like TBMs believe.