What's in the Secret Vault? Top 10 Extreme Ex-Mo Answers
Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 9:27 am
Having recently encountered ex-Mos extreme enough that I'm "an apologist" by comparison, I did a survey of their responses to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency Office Vault" (and/or supernaturally read their answers by excluding all light and gazing deeply into a white porcelain bowl), and received the following top ten answers:
10. One- through Six-of Nine.
9. Never-before-seen Nauvoo Temple sunstones, moonstones, and swastikastones.
8. A scale model of a 1960s Viet-Namese brainwashing camp with a mess hall labeled "Bishop's Storehouse" and the following warning on the box: "For Instructional Purposes Only: Not a Real Ward."
7. The original manuscript of D&C 132, recorded on receipts for mail-order brides from Sweden.
6. The cloven hoof from which Joseph Smith and the Master Race will be cloned.
5. A sacrament tray filled with little plastic cups of poisoned Kool-Aid.
4. The missing portion of Facsimile 1: Anubis using a razor sharp copy of "The Proclamation on the Family" to perform an emasculation-by-paper-cut.
3. The actual rifle used by Brigham Young at Mountain Meadows.
2. The "New General Authority Orientation Manual," including the sections "Pretending You Don't Know," "How to Look Like a Hundred Bucks on a Billionaire Budget," and "Sexual Harrassment: Continuing the Tradition."
And, the number one extreme ex-Mo response to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency vault?"....
1. Joseph Smith's scrapbook--anime bondage sketches, favorite quotes from the Necronomicon, and all the missing penis drawings from his Egyptian papyri.
10. One- through Six-of Nine.
9. Never-before-seen Nauvoo Temple sunstones, moonstones, and swastikastones.
8. A scale model of a 1960s Viet-Namese brainwashing camp with a mess hall labeled "Bishop's Storehouse" and the following warning on the box: "For Instructional Purposes Only: Not a Real Ward."
7. The original manuscript of D&C 132, recorded on receipts for mail-order brides from Sweden.
6. The cloven hoof from which Joseph Smith and the Master Race will be cloned.
5. A sacrament tray filled with little plastic cups of poisoned Kool-Aid.
4. The missing portion of Facsimile 1: Anubis using a razor sharp copy of "The Proclamation on the Family" to perform an emasculation-by-paper-cut.
3. The actual rifle used by Brigham Young at Mountain Meadows.
2. The "New General Authority Orientation Manual," including the sections "Pretending You Don't Know," "How to Look Like a Hundred Bucks on a Billionaire Budget," and "Sexual Harrassment: Continuing the Tradition."
And, the number one extreme ex-Mo response to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency vault?"....
1. Joseph Smith's scrapbook--anime bondage sketches, favorite quotes from the Necronomicon, and all the missing penis drawings from his Egyptian papyri.