Although John's not posting anymore, he's still funny as ever. He emailed me this Top Ten list he wrote and I'm posting it because it's so darn funny! (Of course I got his permission.) I'd try to pass it off as mine, but everybody knows I'm not clever enough to write it!
KA
10. John Gee: Silly critic, it's not a Reese's at all but rather laundry detergent, which would be obvious if it weren't for the missing wrapper. There's no proof that the orange "Reese's" wrapper referenced in facsimile #1 had anything to do with this alleged "candy bar."
9. John Clark: Obviously, no one in their right mind would have put "chocolate in my peanut butter" or "peanut butter on my chocolate," so there is no other plausible explanation for the emergence of the Reese's cup other than divine intervention.
8. Daniel C. Peterson: I'd opine on this controversy were I not of such a low character and unable to utter two words without condescension and dishonesty. Besides, as my malevolent stalkers (you know who you are) know, I am rather fond of a certain brand of glazed pastry and avoid the aforementioned cups.
7. Her Amun: If anyone's interested, I'd like to point out the striking parallels between the ingredient list of a Reese's and some fragments of an ancient Assyrian creation myth discovered in a cave in Jordan. ... Anyone? ... Anyone?
6. Louis Midgley: I can't enjoy my peanut butter cups as long as I know those evil folks at RfM are spewing their venom at the Lord's church.
5. Ray A: As long as those a**holes keep attacking those who eat Reese's, I'll keep giving it back to them as good as they give. The rotten bastards.
4. Gazelam: We can best learn about eating Reese's in this lengthy quote from Joseph F. McConkie (might I add that he was my mission president) ...
3. Kerry Shirts: We repeatedly request a rapacious reduction of Reese's ruefully remembering the Lord's sexual prowess and prodigious genitalia.
2. Coggins7: It's no coincidence that the eating of Reese's among Americans has declined significantly since the permissive left took over the schools and introduced their program of sexual libertinism, most exemplified by such noted Marxists as that scumbag Mister Scratch and others of his ilk who have so poisoned the nation with their pseudointellectual postmodern drivel, spurred on by noted pedophiles, such as Jacques Derrida and Michel Foucault.
1. Juliann: I have it on good authority that a transcript from the room proves that no Reese's was eaten; Dr. Midgley has heard the same thing, so it must be true.
Channeling Runtu: Top Ten Ways LDS Apologists Eat A Reese's
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_KimberlyAnn
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 3171
- Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:03 pm
Runtu is a cleaver as always. Has he finished moving to Holy Valley?
There is a similar thread at MAD.
http://www.mormonapologetics.org/index.php?s=25d604058821c22800ae5f50b9d0f54d&showtopic=26128
There is a similar thread at MAD.
http://www.mormonapologetics.org/index.php?s=25d604058821c22800ae5f50b9d0f54d&showtopic=26128
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace
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_KimberlyAnn
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 3171
- Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:03 pm
moksha wrote:Runtu is a cleaver as always. Has he finished moving to Holy Valley?
There is a similar thread at MAD.
http://www.mormonapologetics.org/index.php?s=25d604058821c22800ae5f50b9d0f54d&showtopic=26128
Those are hilarious, Moksha! Thanks for the link.
No, Runtu hasn't moved yet, but he's busy getting ready!
KA
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_Doctor Steuss
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 4597
- Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:57 pm
Doctor Steuss: I’ve been analyzing the text of the Word of Wisdom for quite some time now, and I’m almost certain there’s no valid doctrinal reason for me to abstain from smoking my Reeses. But then again, I do have a propensity for being incorrect.
"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." ~Charles Bukowski
It has nothing to do with Reese's (which for the record I absolutely abhor), but I just read the most witty Her Amun joke over on MAD. A little Seussian (not Steussian) fish made it:
I am still waiting for Her Amun to draw a parallel between the Venus of Willendorf from 24,000 BCE and the women of Lehi or Nephi, Utah.
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."
Blixa wrote:It has nothing to do with Reese's (which for the record I absolutely abhor), but I just read the most witty Her Amun joke over on MAD. A little Seussian (not Steussian) fish made it:I am still waiting for Her Amun to draw a parallel between the Venus of Willendorf from 24,000 BCE and the women of Lehi or Nephi, Utah.
A Seussian fish fan! He was reprimanded by Pahoran today for some Reese's humor.
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace
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_CaliforniaKid
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 4247
- Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 8:47 am
Awesome.
William Schryver: I actually don't have an opinion on this and I'm not invested one way or the other, but I'm certain that any objective observer would see that my way is the right way to eat a Reese's. This will be confirmed by forthcoming publications from the experts.
Nibley: A Reese's is the same shape as the Shield of Achilles. How can all this be mere coincidence?
Chaos: MADB is a board by apologists, for apologists. We are not FAIR; no, really, we are not FAIR. Juliann can eat her Reese's anyway she likes, but by no means should you expect the same treatment.
David Bokovoy: [insert ten page essay on Reese's and the divine council here]
Larry Poulsen: Please visit my website, where I present twenty different models for mapping the geography of a half-eaten Reese's.
John Sorenson: There are actually two Reese's Pieces. One is in New York; the other is in Central America. After eating a Reese's, a Nephite ultra-marathon runner could travel 120 miles in a day and a half.
Paul Osborne: Those stupid liars at FARMS think they know all about Reese's Pieces, but where has all their learning gotten them? Gee thinks Reese's dress up like women. That's so stupid it makes me hopping mad! I will continue to expose FARMS until they realize that Reese's are Adamic and Joseph Smith's ingredient list for Reese's Pieces is actually inspired. I love the ingredient list; it's full of wonderful spiritual insight.
Dan Vogel: Some how I ended up on the "how to eat a Reese's" list for apologists, because the folks at RfM think I'm being paid by the Church to discredit the M&M plagiarism theory.
William Schryver: I actually don't have an opinion on this and I'm not invested one way or the other, but I'm certain that any objective observer would see that my way is the right way to eat a Reese's. This will be confirmed by forthcoming publications from the experts.
Nibley: A Reese's is the same shape as the Shield of Achilles. How can all this be mere coincidence?
Chaos: MADB is a board by apologists, for apologists. We are not FAIR; no, really, we are not FAIR. Juliann can eat her Reese's anyway she likes, but by no means should you expect the same treatment.
David Bokovoy: [insert ten page essay on Reese's and the divine council here]
Larry Poulsen: Please visit my website, where I present twenty different models for mapping the geography of a half-eaten Reese's.
John Sorenson: There are actually two Reese's Pieces. One is in New York; the other is in Central America. After eating a Reese's, a Nephite ultra-marathon runner could travel 120 miles in a day and a half.
Paul Osborne: Those stupid liars at FARMS think they know all about Reese's Pieces, but where has all their learning gotten them? Gee thinks Reese's dress up like women. That's so stupid it makes me hopping mad! I will continue to expose FARMS until they realize that Reese's are Adamic and Joseph Smith's ingredient list for Reese's Pieces is actually inspired. I love the ingredient list; it's full of wonderful spiritual insight.
Dan Vogel: Some how I ended up on the "how to eat a Reese's" list for apologists, because the folks at RfM think I'm being paid by the Church to discredit the M&M plagiarism theory.
Nicely done, Celestial Kingdom, but your Nibley is wanting:
A Reese's is the same shape as the Shield of Achilles. How can all this be mere coincidence? 1 Anaximander of Miletus says that the Infinite (apeiron-absolute) is the source of all things; for out of it all things arise, and into it all things are dissolved---a striking parallel to the human digestion process when eating a peanut butter cup or any other comestible. 2 Zuckermann remarks, “The difficulty is not only that stories of human phylogeny can never be more than a series of probabilities largely based on guesswork. We also have to consider the fact that speculation clouds almost every single stage in the treatment of the physical evidence itself...we have all the ingredients necessary to produce endless speculation and controversy.” 3 Thus, while one can never determine the exact method Joseph Smith may have used to consume his Reeses, we can discount the wild speculations and controversy of so-called scientists and their guesses.
Furthermore, no subject has been more intensively studied over a greater number of years than that of primitive Semitic poetry, and nowhere could one find a more perfect illustration of the points that are now agreed upon as to temple rituals associated with the Reeses-as-sacrament. 4 According to the record of St. Nilus, the ancient Arabs used to consume their primitive patties of peanut butter and carob after having refreshed and washed themselves in some fountain of running water discovered in the course of a long journeying. 5
Ibn Qutayba, in a famous work on Arabic poetry, quoted a great desert poet, Abu Sakhr, as saying that nothing on earth brings verses so readily to mind as the eating of a combination of locusts and honey---which is merely an Arabic transliteration of "chocolate" and "butter of peanut." 6 Thomas recounts how his Arabs upon reaching the Umm al-Hait hailed "The Cup" with a song in praise of the "creamy yet solid composition" whose bounty filled the belly of the believer. In the most stirring episode of Saint-Exupery's Wind, Sand, and Stars, the Arab chiefs who view the wonders of Paris with stolid indifference burst into cries of devout rapture at the sight of a Reeses display located conveniently next to the cash register at the corner bodega. 7.
You scholars have spoken; why don't you do the honest thing and admit that you don't know a blessed thing about the history of ritual mixing of ingredients, that you haven't made even a superficial study of them either to examine the categories to which they belong or the peculiarities of the individual flavors? You can never say, and I will keep repeating everlastingly, that the final reports are in and we have heard from all the gourmands. The thing is full of surprises. 8
1. Pratt, John P., "Uranus Testifies of Christ," Meridian Magazine (14 Apr 2004). Note that Pluto is not considered to be in the set of time keeping planet.
2. Oaks, "Obsolescence and Displacement," 27 Jan. 1977, p. 6, BYUA; Truman Madsen, "The Joy of Learning," Outstanding Lectures (Provo, Utah: ASBYU Academics Office, 1979), p. 89; A.H. Bowher, "Quality and Quantity in Higher Education," Journal of the American Statistical Association, March 1965, pp. 1-15; Barron's Profiles of American Colleges, An In-Depth Study: Brigham Young University (Woodbury, New York: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 1969), pp. 1-2; James Cass and Max Birnbaum, Comparative Guide to American Colleges for Students, Parents, and Counselors, (New York: Harper and Row, 1981), pp. 95-96; Edward B. Fiske, Selective Guide to Colleges (New York: Times Books, 1982), p. 45; Jack Gourman, The Gourman Report: A Rating of Undergraduate Programs in American and International Universities (Los Angeles: National Education Standards, Inc., 1980).
3. Truman G. Madsen, ed., Nibley on the Timely and the Timeless (Salt Lake City: BYU Religious Studies Center, 1978), pp. 268-69.
4. ibid.
5. This is the traditional interpretation, that the Hebrew year from the autumn of AD 27 to AD 28 was the first year of the cycle. There has been a scholarly disagreement on the subject because there is some evidence that the following year might have been the sabbath at the time of Christ. Recent evidence from Blosser has tipped the scales to favor the traditional view. See Finegan, Jack, Handbook of Biblical Chronology (Peabody, Mass.: 1998), pp. 116-122.
6. "Self-Portrait: An Intellectual Autobiography by Hugh W. Nibley," BYU Today, Aug. 1978, p. 11.
7. Wilkinson, Introduction, Latter-day Saint Standards at Brigham Young University (Committee on Standards, 1957), p. 2.
8. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup label.
A Reese's is the same shape as the Shield of Achilles. How can all this be mere coincidence? 1 Anaximander of Miletus says that the Infinite (apeiron-absolute) is the source of all things; for out of it all things arise, and into it all things are dissolved---a striking parallel to the human digestion process when eating a peanut butter cup or any other comestible. 2 Zuckermann remarks, “The difficulty is not only that stories of human phylogeny can never be more than a series of probabilities largely based on guesswork. We also have to consider the fact that speculation clouds almost every single stage in the treatment of the physical evidence itself...we have all the ingredients necessary to produce endless speculation and controversy.” 3 Thus, while one can never determine the exact method Joseph Smith may have used to consume his Reeses, we can discount the wild speculations and controversy of so-called scientists and their guesses.
Furthermore, no subject has been more intensively studied over a greater number of years than that of primitive Semitic poetry, and nowhere could one find a more perfect illustration of the points that are now agreed upon as to temple rituals associated with the Reeses-as-sacrament. 4 According to the record of St. Nilus, the ancient Arabs used to consume their primitive patties of peanut butter and carob after having refreshed and washed themselves in some fountain of running water discovered in the course of a long journeying. 5
Ibn Qutayba, in a famous work on Arabic poetry, quoted a great desert poet, Abu Sakhr, as saying that nothing on earth brings verses so readily to mind as the eating of a combination of locusts and honey---which is merely an Arabic transliteration of "chocolate" and "butter of peanut." 6 Thomas recounts how his Arabs upon reaching the Umm al-Hait hailed "The Cup" with a song in praise of the "creamy yet solid composition" whose bounty filled the belly of the believer. In the most stirring episode of Saint-Exupery's Wind, Sand, and Stars, the Arab chiefs who view the wonders of Paris with stolid indifference burst into cries of devout rapture at the sight of a Reeses display located conveniently next to the cash register at the corner bodega. 7.
You scholars have spoken; why don't you do the honest thing and admit that you don't know a blessed thing about the history of ritual mixing of ingredients, that you haven't made even a superficial study of them either to examine the categories to which they belong or the peculiarities of the individual flavors? You can never say, and I will keep repeating everlastingly, that the final reports are in and we have heard from all the gourmands. The thing is full of surprises. 8
1. Pratt, John P., "Uranus Testifies of Christ," Meridian Magazine (14 Apr 2004). Note that Pluto is not considered to be in the set of time keeping planet.
2. Oaks, "Obsolescence and Displacement," 27 Jan. 1977, p. 6, BYUA; Truman Madsen, "The Joy of Learning," Outstanding Lectures (Provo, Utah: ASBYU Academics Office, 1979), p. 89; A.H. Bowher, "Quality and Quantity in Higher Education," Journal of the American Statistical Association, March 1965, pp. 1-15; Barron's Profiles of American Colleges, An In-Depth Study: Brigham Young University (Woodbury, New York: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 1969), pp. 1-2; James Cass and Max Birnbaum, Comparative Guide to American Colleges for Students, Parents, and Counselors, (New York: Harper and Row, 1981), pp. 95-96; Edward B. Fiske, Selective Guide to Colleges (New York: Times Books, 1982), p. 45; Jack Gourman, The Gourman Report: A Rating of Undergraduate Programs in American and International Universities (Los Angeles: National Education Standards, Inc., 1980).
3. Truman G. Madsen, ed., Nibley on the Timely and the Timeless (Salt Lake City: BYU Religious Studies Center, 1978), pp. 268-69.
4. ibid.
5. This is the traditional interpretation, that the Hebrew year from the autumn of AD 27 to AD 28 was the first year of the cycle. There has been a scholarly disagreement on the subject because there is some evidence that the following year might have been the sabbath at the time of Christ. Recent evidence from Blosser has tipped the scales to favor the traditional view. See Finegan, Jack, Handbook of Biblical Chronology (Peabody, Mass.: 1998), pp. 116-122.
6. "Self-Portrait: An Intellectual Autobiography by Hugh W. Nibley," BYU Today, Aug. 1978, p. 11.
7. Wilkinson, Introduction, Latter-day Saint Standards at Brigham Young University (Committee on Standards, 1957), p. 2.
8. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup label.
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."