A Square Peg in a Round Hole

[_KimberlyAnn]

In my house right now there is a gaggle of thirteen year old girls downstairs discussing abortion, same sex marriage, sex, politics, religion, and the war in Iraq. Of course, there's been a game of truth or dare and plenty of make-overs, as there are at any slumber party, but my daughter's party is unlike any I ever had as a young Mormon girl. I would have loved to discuss those things openly, but there was no way my mother would have let me. I was more interested in politics than make-up and in winning than being passive, but I was taught those interests weren't really appropriate for me. I was a square peg but all Mormonism had for girls were round holes. I know others may have had different experiences, but I can only relate mine, and my experience was one of being told that my entire personality and what I wanted in my life was unacceptable to God. It wasn't in the plan for a righteous Mormon woman to chose education and career over children, which is what I would have naturally preferred. In fact, I said innumerable times as a teenager that I didn't want any kids and that I wanted to be a History professor. My mom would tell me not to say such things and the Young Women's leader to whom I confided my wishes to not have kids told me it was my purpose in life to bring spirits to the earth and that was a part of the covenants I had made in the pre-existence.

My mother wanted me to be educated, but insisted I should be educated so that I could support my family in case my future husband ever couldn't. I was never taught that education for the sake of simply being educated was worthwhile and I was never encouraged to reach for goals that would fulfill my needs and mesh with my personality. I can be very stubborn and unyielding, but when I do something I want to do it right and be the best, so I determined to fit my square peg into the round hole of Mormonism and be the best damn Mormon I could be, so instead of accepting the various scholarships that had been awarded to me, I married the first worthy guy I ever dated at the young age of eighteen because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I lived in the "mission field" and worthy, attractive, go-getters were few and far between so when I felt instantly attracted to Tom and learned he was a strong Priesthood holder (now I realize he's just more controlling than most guys and an Alpha Male type), I accepted his offer of marriage. I loved him, and I still do, but marrying at the age of eighteen to a guy I barely knew probably wasn't the best idea, but it got me out of a bad home situation and into an eternal marriage, which I knew was what God wanted for me. We both soon learned we each weren't what the other was expecting, but we've made a go of it for almost seventeen years and I don't regret our marriage, though I do believe things would have been very different if I hadn't been raised Mormon with all the expectations that go along with it.

I had children, and was pregnant too many times, but I was determined to be the best Mormon woman, wife and mother in the world. I'm the type of person that likes to win and be in charge, so I fought those urges and attempted to be docile and submissive, though I often failed. Strangely, my efforts to be Super Mormon in a way fed my need to be validated and victorious. Everyone in the ward thought I was Super Mom and Super Wife, and I was. But inside I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I felt like I was getting dumber by the day. I lacked intellectual stimulation. I lived my life through my kids by teaching them voraciously so they'd be the most intelligent girls in school, and they were (and still are!). But pretending to be someone I wasn't and being pigeonholed by Mormonism into a role that wasn't really made for me was killing my spirit. I was dying inside.

Now that I've left Mormonism, I've become more of my true assertive self and that has thrown my husband for a loop. He had glimpses of my stubbornness and unyielding "red" personality before, but he never lived with it full time like he does now. My daughters think I'm great now that I'm no longer Mormon and I love to see them grow and experience freedoms I never had. They have no body shame. They're smart and have the freedom to marry or not marry, to have children or not have children, to be smarter than the boys and win at everything if they're so inclined (which they are), and I'm very proud of them. They will never be shoved into a prefab hole that doesn't fit them. I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughters aren't Mormon girls.

I'd better check those girls. I think Courtney's gathering signatures for a pro-gay marriage petition. Her very conservative daddy is going to blow a gasket!

KA

[_barrelomonkeys]

I'm happy for you that you are more fulfilled now. If your daughter is interested in those things I'm glad you have a home where you allow her to pursue her interests.

As I read your post I really thought about my own daughters (I don't do the boy vs. girl thing anymore since I have 2 boys and expect them all to strive for their fullest potential) and wondered if I've sheltered them as they know almost nothing about the topics you said those girls were discussing. I'm not a Mormon (you know that) and I've led a pretty nontraditional life. My early years and teen years were anything but traditional. I knew much about the world and wish now my parents had sheltered me somewhat.

My girls talk about Zac Efron and HighSchool Musical 2 at sleep overs is something I am so thankful for.

Funny what we want for our kids sometimes? The opposite of what we had.

[_KimberlyAnn]

I'm happy for you that you are more fulfilled now. If your daughter is interested in those things I'm glad you have a home where you allow her to pursue her interests.

As I read your post I really thought about my own daughters (I don't do the boy vs. girl thing anymore since I have 2 boys and expect them all to strive for their fullest potential) and wondered if I've sheltered them as they know almost nothing about the topics you said those girls were discussing. I'm not a Mormon (you know that) and I've led a pretty nontraditional life. My early years and teen years were anything but traditional. I knew much about the world and wish now my parents had sheltered me somewhat.

My girls talk about Zac Efron and HighSchool Musical 2 at sleep overs is something I am so thankful for.

Funny what we want for our kids sometimes? The opposite of what we had.

Hi, Book of Mormon.

I have a pretty atypical tween daughter. I don't emphasize a boy vs. girl attitude with her and I'm glad there are people out there helping their sons reach their full potential. My daughters might just pair up with those boys one day! But, when I was growing up, both due to Mormonism and regional cultural tendencies, I was taught that I could literally educate myself right out of a man and that to be smarter than or better than boys at things was equivalent to shooting myself in the foot. Even recently, President Hinckley asked men if they wanted to marry a woman who's education was superior to their own! It's a Mormon thing, and possibly a characteristic of fundamentalist religions in general. I'm just glad my daughters don't have to deal with that and are free to be the best they can be with no restrictions.

I am glad my girls are well educated about the world, but I try to keep things general so my daughters don't grow up too fast or become anxious about dangers they may someday face. They are young and fun and that's how they're supposed to be, but at the same time, they've never been entirely shielded from the world and I've tried to answer all their questions in an age-appropriate manner. My first grader knows about sex and what it is, but she doesn't know every specific detail because she doesn't need to know and doesn't even want to know. All my girls are smart, but the oldest is just curious beyond her years and has always been a brooding, thinking child. She's just made that way.

Leaving Mormonism was difficult, but I had no choice but to save my daughters from Joseph Smith's cult. I really fee that way. I believe Mormonism to be the most misogynistic major religion in the world, with the exception of Islam. Oh, and for anyone who attempts to justify Mormonism's mistreatment of women using the Old Testament, I don't believe that, either.

I'm glad your kids are happy, Book of Mormon. It sounds like you're a good mother.

KA

PS - I hope this post makes sense! I was up until after four in the morning. Those girls were wild!

[_Bond...James Bond]

Did your hubbie survive the estrogen ocean?

[_KimberlyAnn]

Did your hubbie survive the estrogen ocean?

He's used to an estrogen ocean, lol! There's five of us girls and him on a daily basis. But don't feel sorry for him. He's one lucky man!

KA

[_Bond...James Bond]

Did your hubbie survive the estrogen ocean?

He's used to an estrogen ocean, lol! There's five of us girls and him on a daily basis. But don't feel sorry for him. He's one lucky man!

KA

Alright 5 would give him some immunity, but he still probably felt the pinch with what, a dozen or more girls?

Did he rent a Burt Reynolds' movie in a futile attempt to even out the testoterone/estogen levels a bit?

[_barrelomonkeys]

Hi, Book of Mormon.

I have a pretty atypical tween daughter. I don't emphasize a boy vs. girl attitude with her and I'm glad there are people out there helping their sons reach their full potential. My daughters might just pair up with those boys one day! But, when I was growing up, both due to Mormonism and regional cultural tendencies, I was taught that I could literally educate myself right out of a man and that to be smarter than or better than boys at things was equivalent to shooting myself in the foot. Even recently, President Hinckley asked men if they wanted to marry a woman who's education was superior to their own! It's a Mormon thing, and possibly a characteristic of fundamentalist religions in general. I'm just glad my daughters don't have to deal with that and are free to be the best they can be with no restrictions.

I am glad my girls are well educated about the world, but I try to keep things general so my daughters don't grow up too fast or become anxious about dangers they may someday face. They are young and fun and that's how they're supposed to be, but at the same time, they've never been entirely shielded from the world and I've tried to answer all their questions in an age-appropriate manner. My first grader knows about sex and what it is, but she doesn't know every specific detail because she doesn't need to know and doesn't even want to know. All my girls are smart, but the oldest is just curious beyond her years and has always been a brooding, thinking child. She's just made that way.

Leaving Mormonism was difficult, but I had no choice but to save my daughters from Joseph Smith's cult. I really fee that way. I believe Mormonism to be the most misogynistic major religion in the world, with the exception of Islam. Oh, and for anyone who attempts to justify Mormonism's mistreatment of women using the Old Testament, I don't believe that, either.

I'm glad your kids are happy, Book of Mormon. It sounds like you're a good mother.

KA

PS - I hope this post makes sense! I was up until after four in the morning. Those girls were wild!

Hope you get a better night sleep tonight. :)

I actually wrote that post up last night and went into detail about my first marriage and my growing up. It was the extreme opposite of what you had and how I have gone the opposite way of my own childhood in raising my children. So this morning I edited it (because I really didn't want to divulge so much) and ended up editing out much of the "sense" of the post. :)

About the boy vs. girl thing. I didn't mean anything derogatory by that. I should have said that I understand why you emphasize the smarts for your girls. I do that too, and before I had boys I really felt competitive and "grrl power" ;) was something pretty much stressed in my house. Not so much now, but I understand why it's so important to instill that sense of self worth in our girls.

It must be an oldest child thing, but my daughter is pretty atypical too. She taught herself Japanese when she was 7 and can talk to you for hours about WWII, anything Japanese, and Harry Potter. :D I just really have tried to shelter them (and as I read over your post I worried that in my knee jerk reaction to protect them) and I may have gone too far in that regard. Perhaps I need to realize that they aren't me, it's not my childhood and no matter how much I "fix" the problems with my own vicariously through them it's not going to change my life. So anyway, I didn't spell that out very well.

Go take a nap!

[_KimberlyAnn]

Did your hubbie survive the estrogen ocean?

He's used to an estrogen ocean, lol! There's five of us girls and him on a daily basis. But don't feel sorry for him. He's one lucky man!

KA

Alright 5 would give him some immunity, but he still probably felt the pinch with what, a dozen or more girls?

Did he rent a Burt Reynolds' movie in a futile attempt to even out the testoterone/estogen levels a bit?

Bond, he did in fact leave the house around ten o'clock and go to a late movie. I think those screaming, giggling girls were driving him nuts. What shocked me, however, is that my husband, a SUPER Alpha Male, went to see Hairspray, lol! He came home still laughing about it, so we're all going to see it this afternoon. I can't wait!

KA

[_Mercury]

It sounds like you have raised your daughter well.

You are my hero!

[_KimberlyAnn]

It sounds like you have raised your daughter well.

You are my hero!

Thank you, Mercury! I'm afraid I'm not very heroic, though, and would be a disappointment to anyone who viewed me as a heroine. If you'd like to think of me instead as just a good mother, I'd be extremely flattered.

KA