Looking back, what would you have done differently?

[Guest]

Looking back now as an adult and an ex-Mormon, I wish I had done many things differently in my life. Pining over what could have been is a fairly useless exercise, but I can't seem to prevent myself from sometimes doing it. But learning from our mistakes and passing our experience on to others isn't a waste of time, so I try to teach my children the lessons I've learned. Hopefully, they will find them useful.

Women are sometimes, especially here in the South, taught to bend to others' expectations rather than do what they'd prefer to do themselves. That teaching is compounded by Mormonism. I had my own dreams and a personality that never fit well in Mormonism, but the pressure to conform to societal and religious expectations was so great, that instead of trying to please myself, I was always trying to please others. If there were one thing I could change about my youth, I would change that. I would go back and live more for myself instead of everyone else. I would do more things I wanted to do, and fewer things I was expected to do, especially the things I was expected to do by Mormonism. And I would have listened to Christopher.

Christopher was a jaw-droppingly handsome young man who was enamored with me as a teenager. I thought he was brilliant (he really was) and funny and I couldn't resist dating him for a while, even though he wasn't Mormon. But I felt awful about falling for him and even more awful for kissing him so much, but I shouldn't have. I should have enjoyed my time with him. He was a genuinely fine boy, but the guilt of dating a non-Mormon was too great. So, I broke things off with Christopher and began dating only Mormon boys. But Christopher didn't give up easily. He called me periodically and tried to tell me I was throwing my life away for Mormonism. He thought I was a fanatic, and I was.

When I broke the news to Christopher that I was engaged at the ripe old age of eighteen, he drove home from college several states away and tried to talk me out of marrying so young. I thought he was being used as a tool of the devil and he thought I had lost my mind and was throwing away my life. He begged me not to get married and to accept one of the college scholarships which I had been offered. He told me I would regret my decision. I asked him to leave and not come back. He did leave at my request. But he didn't honor my request not to come back. He showed up at my home the night before my wedding and again begged me not to get married, and it wasn't just because he felt he loved me, it was because he honestly thought I was making a huge mistake. I believe now that he really cared about me and what was best for my life, but at the time, I thought he was evil itself - that he was being used by Satan to tempt me away from an eternal marriage.

Looking back now, I see that everything Christopher told me was true. I should never have married so young! I should have accepted that scholarship and gone to college as a single girl and had a great time there making friends and learning. I should have realized that the Mormon church was controlling and left it before I made decisions that couldn't be reversed. Christopher was no tool of the devil. Christopher was a savior but I couldn't see it. I wish now that I had listened to him.

I saw Christopher again a couple of years ago, just after I had left the Mormon church. How I would have loved to talk to him and tell him that he was right all those years ago! But I didn't. My husband was with me and wouldn't have appreciated me talking with Christopher, considering what had happened in the past. And I can't say that I blame him. I'd be lying if I denied that my heart jumped a bit when I saw Christopher again - and he's still as jaw-droppingly handsome as ever.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't be a virgin on my wedding night, and I would have more than one sexual partner in my life. I wouldn't marry at eighteen, and I would live a little more for myself and a little less for others. I would have a real young adult life. I would live in a dorm with my friends and focus on a career that would bring me fulfillment.

Don't misunderstand. I don't wish I had been reckless. I only wish I had a wider range of experiences in my life, not only sexual experiences, but life experiences as well. But I made my choices and I am responsible for them. I have no intention of trying to make radical changes in my life right now - to do so would be irresponsible and childish. But I can look back and learn from my past and share my lessons learned with my daughters. I want them to have what I didn't have - the freedom to be themselves and to make choices free of overbearing religious expectations. And I hope, if they ever meet a boy like Christopher who encourages them to live their dreams and break free from constraints that may fetter them in unhealthy and unnecessary ways, that they listen.

Looking back, I'm sure we would all have done some things differently. What would you have done differently?

KA

[Guest]

First of all, my name is Scott, not Christopher...I can only assume you really mean me when you talk about chiseled good looks...

Second, who in this world doesn't wish they could time travel back to their youth with the knowledge they know now. Kind of like when Uncle Rico buys that time travel device that shocks the hell out of Napoleon Dynamite?

As for things I would do differently, the first thing would be to stop my little brother from committing suicide.

2nd, I would have changed the way I was with the true love of my life so she actually married me instead of breaking up with me.

If I couldn't do that, I would move out of Utah and attend college somewhere else. Possibly ASU.

I think those are my big 3.

[_barrelomonkeys]

Grass is greener on the other side. :)

[_Some Schmo]

If I could do it over, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I more rigorously pursued a career in stand up comedy.

Of course, I chose the job that paid well immediately. Had I not done so, I'd never have met my wife and had my daughter, so it's all good, but sometimes I wonder...

[_Who Knows]

Grass is greener on the other side. :)

Exactly what i was thinking.

Honestly, my life's pretty damn good. I wouldn't change anything, since where I'm at now would probably be different. And it's not possible that it would be better.

Sorry - lame answer. But it's true. :)

edit - i guess one thing - i wish i would have played football in high school.

[cinepro]

I hear ya, KA, and I agree. The problem is that we were bustled from the nest of our parents right directly into another nest with nary any time to figure out who in the world we were. Very little time to discover us outside of those nesting parameters. I married one week after my 20th birthday, after turning down two other marriage proposals. (yeah, I was at BYU) And immediately started having children. I know I was a daughter. And I really knew when I became a mother. But who was I? I struggled to carve out an identity I could call my own through the first ten years I was married, and I sure wish I would have taken the time to do so unencumbered by the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Grass is greener on the other side. :)

Exactly what I was thinking.

Honestly, my life's pretty damn good. I wouldn't change anything, since where I'm at now would probably be different. And it's not possible that it would be better.

Sorry - lame answer. But it's true. :)

edit - I guess one thing - I wish I would have played football in high school.

That's the hard part, isn't it? There are things I most certainly would have done differently, but then again, I do enjoy a lot of things in my life right now that wouldn't be the same if I hadn't had exactly the experiences I had.

It's best not to worry too much about it, but I can say I'm thrilled that my daughters won't make their decisions based on the expectations of a fraudulent religion like I did.

KA

PS - Scottie, please accept my condolences for the loss of your little brother.

[_KimberlyAnn]

I hear ya, KA, and I agree. The problem is that we were bustled from the nest of our parents right directly into another nest with nary any time to figure out who in the world we were. Very little time to discover us outside of those nesting parameters. I married one week after my 20th birthday, after turning down two other marriage proposals. (yeah, I was at BYU And immediately started having children. I know I was a daughter. And I really knew when I became a mother. But who was I? I struggled to carve out an identity I could call my own through the first ten years I was married, and I sure wish I would have taken the time to do so unencumbered by the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood.

Yes! You've got it exactly right, Trinity.

I still don't know if I've got my own identity. I'm not sure I know exactly who I am. Trying to figure it out is a lot of work!

KA

[_Scottie]

I hear ya, KA, and I agree. The problem is that we were bustled from the nest of our parents right directly into another nest with nary any time to figure out who in the world we were. Very little time to discover us outside of those nesting parameters. I married one week after my 20th birthday, after turning down two other marriage proposals. (yeah, I was at BYU And immediately started having children. I know I was a daughter. And I really knew when I became a mother. But who was I? I struggled to carve out an identity I could call my own through the first ten years I was married, and I sure wish I would have taken the time to do so unencumbered by the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood.

Wow....amazing post!!

PS - Scottie, please accept my condolences for the loss of your little brother.

Thank you. If it was that hard losing a brother, I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child! I pray I never have to face that!!

[_ktallamigo]

Your reflections are very poignant -- and perhaps there are many other Mormon women who married young who share your feelings.

If you don't mind my asking - what made you change your mind about the church?

ktall