Move over Internet and Chapel Mormons
Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 7:37 am
Not sure if any of you have seen this but I think this group of divisions many be more accurate about Mormonism than the archetypes used so often here.
The following comes from Robert Kirby:
The following comes from Robert Kirby:
Five Kinds of Mormons
By Robert Kirby
After more than 38 years, five countries, a dozen states, and approximately fifty wards, my study identified five different types of Mormons, Liberal Mormons, Genuine Mormons, Conservative Mormons, Orthodox Mormons, and Nazi Mormons.
Liberal Mormons
Liberal Mormons comprise the broadest category of Mormons.
Regardless of temporal politics, LMs are considered liberal by virtue of their "odd" or non-conformist notions about Mormonism. Unofficial Church policy and general membership consensus is that they are all going to hell.
Traditionally, LMs vote anywhere to the left of the Republican party. On the average, they have 4.9 children-a token effort in the Church's unspoken policy of Mormonizing the world through reproduction. LMs, when they pay it, pay tithing haphazardly with literally no idea of whether it is 10 percent or not.
Liberal Mormons are also comprised of anyone who does not go to church regularly or even at all and still believes the gospel to be essentially true. LMs who don't go to church resent being called "less active" since the reason they don't go to church in the first place is because other Mormons there tend to be less active themselves; although by Liberal Mormon definition this is more of a cerebral thing than an attendance thing.
LMs do not believe that every word that falls from the lips of a general authority represents the actual personal opinion of Jesus Christ.
A trait singular to Liberal Mormons is their love of baiting normally complacent Mormons with such stimulating statements as "We used to live polygamy because Joseph Smith was a Capricorn."
Female LMs also think that it is highly astute of them to repeatedly point out the anatomical differences in the sexes as a snide indication of true priesthood eligibility. Hopeless LMs like to think that they could read the mind of God if they could only get a doctorate in something obscure and useless like Mesozoic Menstrual Studies.
Faith and obedience are onerous things to most LMs, who demand human explanations for virtually everything with which they don't agree. If pressed hard enough, most LMs would explain the veil placed over our eyes at birth to be the real product of sexism, cronyism, conservatism, or just plain old BYUism. It never occurs to LMs that their intellectual contrariness may be the cross they are required to bear in life instead of a Word of Wisdom or a tithing problem. LMs would argue gospel doctrine with an angel, the burning bush, or even another flood.
LMs tend to worship most diligently at the altar of their own opinion.
Genuine Mormons
Directly in the middle of the Mormon population are the Genuine Mormons. Little is known of GMs because they are so rare. The study was able to identify only fourteen Genuine Mormons in the entire world, including Provo. Four live in the United States with two living in Utah. Three live in South America and one each lives in Spain, France, Somoa, and China. There was a GM living in England last year, but she died. No GMs live in either Idaho or California. The remaining GMs are the Three Nephites and John the Beloved, all of whom were unavailable for purposes of this study.
Genuine Mormons are practically invisible because of their low-key approach to the gospel. That and because they are rarely found at home, almost always being off helping others through some trial or other.
Not only have GMs received a spiritual confirmation of the truthfulness of the gospel, they have developed it into a personally applicable plan totally unlike the banzai sales tactics taught at the MTC. GMs operate out of love instead of guilt. They rarely make a fuss about anything, and when they do, God is usually on their side to the point where cities full of other Mormon types get covered by mountains or swallowed by seas.
Genuine Mormons have 2.4 children; the relatively low number results from the fact that eight of the fourteen have no children or have never married. Among those who did marry, the average number of children rose to 5.5.
GMs pay tithing and then some. And then some more. Some of it, 10 percent at least, goes to the Church.
Despite the low number of certifiable GMs, nearly all Mormons think this is the kind of Mormon they are.
Conservative Mormons
In reality, most Mormons fall into the Conservative Mormon group. These are the plump, short haired, Republican types with flowered dresses, suits, and bad breath that fill chapels each Sunday. They comprise 71.6 percent of the total Church membership, of which 99.1 percent were born into the Church.
CMs can generally be swayed by a logical argument. Sometimes they rely on the Spirit to sort out gospel mysteries, and multi-level marketing plans. They seem prone, however, to learning the gospel through grinding repetition, which may explain how they can sit through yet another lesson on the spiritual joys of home teaching read tonelessly from the manual.
CMs have an average of 5.7 children with at least 2.5 of those children actively saving for a mission in a bank account raided once a year by their parents for tithing settlement.
Church attendance is mandatory for CMs. They may, however, sleep through general conference. And they will periodically bless and pass the sacrament before breaking camp to hunt deer.
CMs believe that gum and Certs, if taken surreptitiously enough, do not count against ones fast.
Orthodox Mormons
Orthodox Mormons have polished Mormonism to a high, seemingly functional gloss. Many OMs embrace multi-level marketing plans in the covert belief that the three degrees of glory provide a factual basis for such programs. Lifelong OMs are hazy on the differences between Church-mandated missionary discussions and heartfelt testimonies on the significance of soap.
OMs will sometimes make tons of money off the gullibility of other Mormons who believe a lifetime of honest tithe paying has blessed them with a keen eye for such safe multi-level marketing plans as "How to be a Melchizedek Priesthood Robber Baron" or "Loot Thy Neighbor". Despite strong popular belief to the contrary, this category of Mormons contains the highest number of convicted felons.
OMs are big on gospel trappings: temple tie tacks, missionary name tags, and vinyl, suitcase-size, scripture covers. They adorn their homes with portraits of obscure general authorities and tole painted crafts made in Relief Society. Slathered with primary drawings and meeting schedules, the refrigerators in the homes of OMs look like religious kiosks.
Name dropping is a trait quite common to OMs, who believe the veracity of any story or rumor, no matter how outlandish, can be sealed up to truth by the inclusion of a general authorities name, as in, "Yup, I heard tell President Thomas S. Monson shoots a .300 Savage. Good enough for me then, I guess."
Left to their own devices, OMs would make a gospel ordinance out of bringing dry cereal to church in Tupperware bowls in much the same way they've made the right hand more sacred then the left for purposes of taking the sacrament.
OMs believe that 100 percent church attendance is mandatory for a celestial glory. They would not miss the practice hymn for the death of a relative. They would not lick a postage stamp on Fast Sunday.
Nazi Mormons
Nazi Mormons comprise roughly eight percent of the Church's population. They seem more prolific and tend to congregate in particular wards, although this may actually be a misperception arising from the fact that NMs tend to be incredibly verbose and annoying, thereby creating the illusion of numbers.
Nazi Mormons believe that BYU is not only Gods university, but that He is somehow also an alumnus. Nazi Mormons hang flags, wear badges, and sport license plates, all adorned with a block letter "Y"-known in LM circles as the "Mormon swastika".
NMs are prone to long winded and weepy testimony meeting claims about things that cannot be proven either in the world of science, logic, or even the scriptures. Roughly 45 percent of testimony meetings, Church-wide, are taken up by the NMs, claiming they were spared a particular trial by virtue of their garments, a rolled up copy of the Ensign, or the influence of a junior high school seminary teacher.
Nazi Mormons believe partaking of the sacrament with the left hand is displeasing to God. Only vitamin-enriched white bread should be used for the sacrament, and no NM would ever bring anything other than Cheerios to church to keep small children quiet. Froot Loops, Doritos, and M&Ms are for the less faithful.
NMs believe that Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin, but not as bad as self mutilation. French kissing, even within the bounds of marriage, is unwholesome and quite possibly grounds for a bishop's court.
NMs pay tithing based on their gross income, including the things they receive from the bishop's storehouse. NMs are also big on blessings-not so much the actual blessing itself but rather the attendant sub-ordinance of telling everyone about it.
Families are central to NMs, who have an average of 11.9 children. This perhaps stems from an over-eager interpretation of Church counsel that families are forever, coupled with a fundamental NM desire to stay in constant practice. Also, NMs believe that all birth control, including the rhythm method, is of the devil and his influence, commonly referred to by the rest of the world as common sense. A counterbalance of Nazi Mormons is that NMs by their very overbearing nature tend to raise up a surprising number of Liberal Mormons and even non-Mormon offspring.
NMs not only believe everything a general authority utters, they will frequently take these counsels and improve on them. For example, if no single dating until the age of sixteen is good, no single dating until eighteen is even better.
Imitative to a fault, NMs are prone to adopting what is known as "the general authority lilt" when offering prayers or testimonies. While apparently an imitative effort to sound spiritual, in reality it merely serves to make them sound like Fred Flintstone with his calling and election made sure.
The study shows that upper level NMs will not lick their own lips on Fast Sunday.
Conclusion
Strong arguments, for the existence of other types of Mormons may arise. It should be pointed out, however, that these additional types are in truth merely sub-categories of the five basic Mormon types. Publication of this study caused the temporary emergence of an additional sub-group that clamored for its own classification: Outraged Mormons. It was determined, however, that the Outraged Mormons were, in reality, a sub-category of either Nazi or Orthodox Mormons, depending in the level of outrage.
An important thing to remember when considering the five Mormon types is that they are not intractable. Mormons as a homogenous group tend to migrate between the five types, depending largely on peer pressure, financial obligations, and whether they are taking the proper dosages of prescribed medications.
Rarely, however, do Mormons fluctuate more than one or two categories. For example, there are no indications of Nazi Mormons ever becoming Liberal Mormons. Strong evidence exists, however, of the possibility that Genuine Mormons may become something other-worldly that the study was not able to identify properly and may, at a later date, explain why there are so few of them.
Finally, Liberal Mormons are the only Mormon group to the left of traditional Mormon conservatism. This can be misleading since it implies that all Liberal Mormons are also politically liberal. Not true. The study only found that Liberal Mormons are lumped together in a category by the last three Mormon types who traditionally have been unable to relate to anyone who does not follow the mainstream.