Ask the Bible:
Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:33 am
Funny thoughts on front page of http://www.esquire.com
"I'm getting salt-and-pepper hair, and I'm afraid I'm going to look like some guy on The McLaughlin Group in a year or two. Can the Bible recommend a dye that men can use without embarrassment?
Give ear, brother: A wise man scorns hair dye. As it says in Proverbs 16:31, "Gray hair is a crown of glory, it is gained in a righteous life." Keep your hair free from any coloring agents. However, in terms of grooming, the Bible is not opposed to a little product: "Let not oil be lacking on your head" (Eccles. 9:8)."
My fiancée's parents are coming over for the first time, and I want to impress them with a home-cooked meal. Any suggestions?
You will feed to them the best recipe in the Bible: It is the bread eaten by the prophet Ezekiel for 390 days without ceasing. So if your in-laws can't abide it for one night, they are no better than a dog's head of Moab.
¼ omer wheat (about 2 pints)
¼ omer barley
¼ omer lentils
¼ omer spelt
¼ omer millet
¼ omer kidney beans
Mix with a mortar and pestle. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. To sweeten your bread, try a little honey: "My son eat honey, for it is good" (Prov. 24:13). But not too much: "If you eat honey, eat only enough for you, lest you be sated with it and vomit it" (Prov. 25:16).
Does the Bible have any good pickup lines?
You can never fail with "I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away" (Deut. 14:21).
Ha! I joketh. But try this, from the Song of Solomon:
Your eyes are doves,
Your hair is like a flock of goats,
Moving down the slopes of Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes,
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
Behind your veil.
Your neck is like the Tower of David.
My idiot friend forwarded me an e-mail that he knew might have a virus. It destroyed my hard drive. I think he should pay to buy me a new one. He refuses. What does the Bible say?
Your friend multiplies words without knowledge. But you too speak from ignorance. The answer lies in between. Consider: "If a man's ox injures the ox of another and it dies, they are to sell the live one and divide both the money and the dead animal equally" (Exod. 21:35). Tell your friend to sell his PC, then give half the proceeds to you.
"I'm getting salt-and-pepper hair, and I'm afraid I'm going to look like some guy on The McLaughlin Group in a year or two. Can the Bible recommend a dye that men can use without embarrassment?
Give ear, brother: A wise man scorns hair dye. As it says in Proverbs 16:31, "Gray hair is a crown of glory, it is gained in a righteous life." Keep your hair free from any coloring agents. However, in terms of grooming, the Bible is not opposed to a little product: "Let not oil be lacking on your head" (Eccles. 9:8)."
My fiancée's parents are coming over for the first time, and I want to impress them with a home-cooked meal. Any suggestions?
You will feed to them the best recipe in the Bible: It is the bread eaten by the prophet Ezekiel for 390 days without ceasing. So if your in-laws can't abide it for one night, they are no better than a dog's head of Moab.
¼ omer wheat (about 2 pints)
¼ omer barley
¼ omer lentils
¼ omer spelt
¼ omer millet
¼ omer kidney beans
Mix with a mortar and pestle. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. To sweeten your bread, try a little honey: "My son eat honey, for it is good" (Prov. 24:13). But not too much: "If you eat honey, eat only enough for you, lest you be sated with it and vomit it" (Prov. 25:16).
Does the Bible have any good pickup lines?
You can never fail with "I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away" (Deut. 14:21).
Ha! I joketh. But try this, from the Song of Solomon:
Your eyes are doves,
Your hair is like a flock of goats,
Moving down the slopes of Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes,
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
Behind your veil.
Your neck is like the Tower of David.
My idiot friend forwarded me an e-mail that he knew might have a virus. It destroyed my hard drive. I think he should pay to buy me a new one. He refuses. What does the Bible say?
Your friend multiplies words without knowledge. But you too speak from ignorance. The answer lies in between. Consider: "If a man's ox injures the ox of another and it dies, they are to sell the live one and divide both the money and the dead animal equally" (Exod. 21:35). Tell your friend to sell his PC, then give half the proceeds to you.