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Life is full of painful experiences that have no rhyme or reason, no higher purpose. We’re alive, and sometimes bad stuff happens to living things. This is how I “make sense” of otherwise senseless pain and tragedy.

One of my daughter’s friends was killed this week in a tragic, one car accident. He was sixteen years old. It would be fair to say he killed himself, since he was driving at least 90mph in a 35mph zone, with no seat belt, either. He lost control, the car flipped repeatedly, and ejected him. Obviously, his family is devastated, as are his friends.

To me, this is one of those things that it’s better to not try to “justify” in some way, like some greater life lesson to be learned, aside from the obvious that it’s not a good idea to drive 90 mph with no seatbelt on.

But my believing friends seem to think they can make sense of this. One of my friends was sharing the conversation that she and her teenage daughter had about the situation. My friend apparently shared that maybe God was trying to send a message to this boy’s older brother to stop the wild lifestyle before it was too late. (it is true, both of these boys, 18 and 16, have been rather wild and driven their devout Christian mother a bit crazy from worry and stress) Her daughter said, “but why didn’t God give him just one more chance?” My friends voice filled with tears and couldn’t answer.

I think part of the allure of religion is the (false) sense of control it gives human beings over events that, in the end, completely beyond our control. Studies have show a positive correlation between superstitious behavior in general with an unpredictable, often dangerous, living environment. It’s frightening to realize that so much of what can seriously impact our lives in horrific ways is, in the end, completely beyond our control, so we appeal to a “greater being” who CAN control it – God. And when that doesn’t work, believers try to retain their worldview by explaining “why”.

When I lost a close friend to cancer a couple of years ago, I heard believer after believer assert that God just wanted her home with him. How selfish of God, particularly since she had two elementary aged children and a husband who all needed her.

It may surprise some of you to realize that I don’t share my atheism with my friends. I don’t see the point. It would upset them, they would stress over “saving me”, and I don’t want to have conversations that would end up hurting their feelings. So I say nothing, and living where we live, they all feel safe assuming that, even if I don’t attend any church, I’m still a believer. I don’t challenge them. They’re trying to make sense of life, but I can say here, and to my boyfriend, that how they make sense of it seems to turn God into a real monster.

beastie wrote:
When I lost a close friend to cancer a couple of years ago, I heard believer after believer assert that God just wanted her home with him. How selfish of God, particularly since she had two elementary aged children and a husband who all needed her.

It really was beyond those believer's understanding to know the will of God, but perhaps they did not believe God wanted her to suffer with cancer. I also believe God does not want us to suffer. I feel empathy toward her Husband and Children. No doubt those others who knew her did as well, and their assertion was meant to be both a way to make sense of tragedy and as a balm for those grieving,

It really was beyond those believer's understanding to know the will of God, but perhaps they did not believe God wanted her to suffer with cancer. I also believe God does not want us to suffer. I feel empathy toward her Husband and Children. No doubt those others who knew her did as well, and their assertion was meant to be both a way to make sense of tragedy and as a balm for those grieving,

Yes, I know it's meant to be comforting. I guess I just don't have the right mindset to see it that way.

If God doesn't want us to suffer, and can actively intervene, why didn't he just prevent her from getting cancer in the first place? Or why didn't he make the medicine work?

It is not comforting to me. I too had a friend pass away from cancer. She was dying a few floors above me when I gave birth to my youngest son. There was no comfort in the thought (and I heard it a few times) that God needed her to be an angel. It was absurd.

Her children, her friends, and I needed her here with us.

I know people mean well. But a tragedy is a tragedy because it is senseless.

beastie wrote:Life is full of painful experiences that have no rhyme or reason, no higher purpose. We’re alive, and sometimes bad stuff happens to living things. This is how I “make sense” of otherwise senseless pain and tragedy.

One of my daughter’s friends was killed this week in a tragic, one car accident. He was sixteen years old. It would be fair to say he killed himself, since he was driving at least 90mph in a 35mph zone, with no seat belt, either. He lost control, the car flipped repeatedly, and ejected him. Obviously, his family is devastated, as are his friends.

To me, this is one of those things that it’s better to not try to “justify” in some way, like some greater life lesson to be learned, aside from the obvious that it’s not a good idea to drive 90 mph with no seatbelt on.

But my believing friends seem to think they can make sense of this. One of my friends was sharing the conversation that she and her teenage daughter had about the situation. My friend apparently shared that maybe God was trying to send a message to this boy’s older brother to stop the wild lifestyle before it was too late. (it is true, both of these boys, 18 and 16, have been rather wild and driven their devout Christian mother a bit crazy from worry and stress) Her daughter said, “but why didn’t God give him just one more chance?” My friends voice filled with tears and couldn’t answer.

I think part of the allure of religion is the (false) sense of control it gives human beings over events that, in the end, completely beyond our control. Studies have show a positive correlation between superstitious behavior in general with an unpredictable, often dangerous, living environment. It’s frightening to realize that so much of what can seriously impact our lives in horrific ways is, in the end, completely beyond our control, so we appeal to a “greater being” who CAN control it – God. And when that doesn’t work, believers try to retain their worldview by explaining “why”.

When I lost a close friend to cancer a couple of years ago, I heard believer after believer assert that God just wanted her home with him. How selfish of God, particularly since she had two elementary aged children and a husband who all needed her.

It may surprise some of you to realize that I don’t share my atheism with my friends. I don’t see the point. It would upset them, they would stress over “saving me”, and I don’t want to have conversations that would end up hurting their feelings. So I say nothing, and living where we live, they all feel safe assuming that, even if I don’t attend any church, I’m still a believer. I don’t challenge them. They’re trying to make sense of life, but I can say here, and to my boyfriend, that how they make sense of it seems to turn God into a real monster.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's friend, Beastie. I also agree that keeping God out of the explanation process is a better way to do it. Sometimes bad things happen. Often bad things happen. That needs to be accepted about life, and if one is in the habit of attributing God's will into the process it is too easy to attribute the bad things as well as the good. It seems more fair that way. And yes, it does turn God into a monster.

Do you all think that these sort of comments help the most immediately impacted - the family? It's hard for me to get out of my mindset, and be able to ask if hearing that God wanted to send a message to your still living son would help. I think it would enrage me. Of course I don't know if people are saying this to the parents, or just to each other.

beastie wrote:Do you all think that these sort of comments help the most immediately impacted - the family? It's hard for me to get out of my mindset, and be able to ask if hearing that God wanted to send a message to your still living son would help. I think it would enrage me. Of course I don't know if people are saying this to the parents, or just to each other.

Not all messages meant to be supportive are well thought out. We all put our foot in our mouth from time to time. I just wish I did not do it so frequently.

beastie wrote:Do you all think that these sort of comments help the most immediately impacted - the family? It's hard for me to get out of my mindset, and be able to ask if hearing that God wanted to send a message to your still living son would help. I think it would enrage me. Of course I don't know if people are saying this to the parents, or just to each other.

What about the people who say nothing at all and withdraw any attempts to be of comfort?

What I usually say (fully aware that it is grossly inadequate) is, "I wish I could say something to bring you comfort. If there is anything I can do, please let me know." And that's about it.

I don't know what to say! And usually acknowledge that.

What about the people who say nothing at all and withdraw any attempts to be of comfort?

Do people really do that? I don't know anyone, in any tragedy I've been exposed to, who has withdrawn any attempts to be of comfort.

What I usually say (fully aware that it is grossly inadequate) is, "I wish I could say something to bring you comfort. If there is anything I can do, please let me know." And that's about it.

Me, too. Or simply "I'm so sorry", and a hug (if appropriate).

It seems to me that when people formulate these ideas, perhaps what they're really doing is explaining how they can continue to believe in God despite the tragedy.