It's that time of year again
Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 3:43 pm
Good morning, apostates.
Yes, it is General Conference time again, promising more divine wisdom from the Lord's holy anointed. Me and my fellow Apostles hope to use this conference for yet another rule for the Saints to obey. After all, we must raise the bar exceedingly. It has been several years since the last time we banned something - the sacred ban on tattoos and earrings. The tattoo and earring ban has had a profound impact on the lives of Latter-Day Saints. Since the Lord handed down this revelation, teen pregnancies within the church have declined 92%, infidelity is down 86%, and porn surfing is down 143%, while membership continues to grow.
It is once again time to issue a new ban. The brethren are divided on what item to ban. Much prayer and fasting has gone into this most pressing issue. We have narrowed the filed of nominated banned items to these four things: 1) Flip flops, 2) Nocturnal emissions, 3) HBO, and 4) Ribbed condoms.
Each of the four issues should be avoided, and all are detrimental to the salvation of mankind. It is our goal to eventually ban all four, but the Brethren feel it is too much for the Saints to handle at once. We shall select one item this conference, and the other three will be revealed to the body of the church during future General Conferences. I personally am praying for the other 14 brethren to vote for the ban on nocturnal emissions. This is an issue that has been on the back-burner too long. If we can control our thoughts, we can control our emissions.
I look forward to speaking to you this weekend.
Sincerely,
Boyd K Packer
Yes, it is General Conference time again, promising more divine wisdom from the Lord's holy anointed. Me and my fellow Apostles hope to use this conference for yet another rule for the Saints to obey. After all, we must raise the bar exceedingly. It has been several years since the last time we banned something - the sacred ban on tattoos and earrings. The tattoo and earring ban has had a profound impact on the lives of Latter-Day Saints. Since the Lord handed down this revelation, teen pregnancies within the church have declined 92%, infidelity is down 86%, and porn surfing is down 143%, while membership continues to grow.
It is once again time to issue a new ban. The brethren are divided on what item to ban. Much prayer and fasting has gone into this most pressing issue. We have narrowed the filed of nominated banned items to these four things: 1) Flip flops, 2) Nocturnal emissions, 3) HBO, and 4) Ribbed condoms.
Each of the four issues should be avoided, and all are detrimental to the salvation of mankind. It is our goal to eventually ban all four, but the Brethren feel it is too much for the Saints to handle at once. We shall select one item this conference, and the other three will be revealed to the body of the church during future General Conferences. I personally am praying for the other 14 brethren to vote for the ban on nocturnal emissions. This is an issue that has been on the back-burner too long. If we can control our thoughts, we can control our emissions.
I look forward to speaking to you this weekend.
Sincerely,
Boyd K Packer