Make your own Articles of Faith

[_Trevor]

I thought the Articles of Faith needed some updating, so I wrote my own list of LDS Articles of Faith in order to reflect apologetics and current trends in LDS culture. I would love to see what you guys come up with!

1. We believe that Social Trinitarianism has always been the true understanding of Deity in any age, and that it represents the theology of the Book of Mormon and King Follett Discourse, regardless of any appearances to the contrary. It is also clearly what Brigham Young believed when he referred to Adam as our father and god in a purely metaphorical sense.

2. We believe that the Bible is the word of God, in whatever way is suitable to quell the fears of good Christians or win an argument. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as given to a few people who lived in ancient America among millions of others of its ancient inhabitants. The events of the Book of Mormon happened entirely in a 100 square-mile area. If God provided proof of the Book of Mormon, you couldn't exercise faith.

3. We believe that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham from a papyrus over ten feet long that was unfortunately lost in the Great Chicago Fire, and we pray fervently that it will stay lost.

4. We believe that Joseph Smith married teenage girls and the wives of other men purely out of the goodness of his heart. Even when he spent the night with one of these fortunate ladies, it was only to kneel, fully clothed, in hours of righteous prayer. All husbands who have the faith to give up their wives to a prophet of God get a free beanie-button and a one-way ticket to paradise.

5. We believe that the lost ten tribes of Israel are no longer worth talking about, since this would only prove to be another embarrassing quagmire, and we have our hands more than full at the moment.

6. We believe in official doctrine, as found in the actual chapters and verses of the canonized scriptures, and in unofficial doctrine as found in the words of the prophets and general authorities, manuals, magazines, and other Church publications. We do not believe in non-doctrine as found in a careful and thorough reading of the scriptures, the words of the prophets and general authorities, and in all Church publications. Indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, and we hope all things,...well, up to the point that evangelical Christians and apostates start making us feel really embarrassed about them.

7. We believe in being subject to Republican presidents, the Moral Majority, the Religious Right, and the Free Market.

8. We believe that a man, who is related the the early Brethren of the Church and a wealthy professional, will be called of God before just about anyone else.

9. We believe in the gifts of authority, and of, well, authority.

10. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive Church, namely apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, except for the pastors and evangelists, and overlooking, of course, female apostles and prophets, which clearly belong to the corrupt portions of the scriptures.

11. We believe that God has revealed, does reveal, and will reveal lots of wonderful things. Just don't try to pin us down on what they precisely are. See article 6 for clarification.

12. We claim the privilege of worshiping in safe seclusion from sexually-active, so-called gays and lesbians, and we will mortgage our future to make sure you have that privilege too.

13. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Obedience to the leader; second, Tithing; third, Repentance for disobedience to the leader; fourth, a Malleable Concept of the Gospel.

[_silentkid]

5. We believe that the lost ten tribes of Israel are no longer worth talking about, since this would only prove to be another embarrassing quagmire, and we have our hands more than full at the moment.

Great job! I really like number five because it reminds me of a time on my mission when my older brother sent me this really bizarre article explaining how the lost tribes are living inside the earth...The Hollow Earth Theory. It cited scripture from the Book of Mormon and had these diagrams depicting how it could be possible. Truly ridiculous stuff. Any Hollow Earth Theory apologists out there? LOL.

[Guest]

Great job! I really like number five because it reminds me of a time on my mission when my older brother sent me this really bizarre article explaining how the lost tribes are living inside the earth...The Hollow Earth Theory. It cited scripture from the Book of Mormon and had these diagrams depicting how it could be possible. Truly ridiculous stuff. Any Hollow Earth Theory apologists out there? LOL.

Thanks! We are now a consensus of two, which is much better than one.

I had an investigator join the Church who actually did subscribe to the hollow earth theory. He was one of a handful of really strange people whom I saw join the Church.

[_CaliforniaKid]

This is really funny, Trevor. Great job!

[_Who Knows]

3. We believe that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham from a papyrus over ten feet long that was unfortunately lost in the Great Chicago Fire, and we pray fervently that it will stay lost.

roflmao.

[_Trevor]

Thanks, guys. You have salvaged my tender ego. It was hanging over a steep precipice. ;-)

[_ubermarie]

That was spot on, Trevor. I also enjoyed your Book of Mormon Intro for the year 2025.

(And hey! my first post!)

[_Trevor]

That was spot on, Trevor. I also enjoyed your Book of Mormon Intro for the year 2025.

(And hey! my first post!)

Thanks, ubermarie! And, welcome to the only true and living board, in which We the Heretics are well pleased, speaking of course for myself, and not anyone else.

[_KimberlyAnn]

You're brilliant, Trevor!

KA

[_Nephi]

I am sure I have more than this list below; this is by no means complete, but it gives a good understanding of my beliefs and spirituality...

1) I believe that spirituality and religion are different things, with religion being the tool of the other. Just as there is no one tool that can create and mold in every situation, there is no one religion that is correct for everyone.

2) I believe that scripture is that which helps to add to one's understanding of the tool of religion they use, which thereby strengthens their own spirituality.

3) I believe that symbols are very important to help one's spirituality along, and without them, to describe something as infinite as spirituality would be impossible, therefore religions work with symbols to help us understand our spirituality.

4) It is the job of these religions to give us symbols, but it is not the job of these religions to tell us what they mean, as the symbols are there for us to ponder and draw upon.

5) I believe that we are all children of God, and that God does not have only one begotten son. God has made a home for us all to journey back unto It, and this home has more than one door which allows entry into it. Therefore, Christ is but one of these doors back home.

6) I believe that existence is infinite in both directions of time, and that we never truly die, but merely change, passing through doorways while we journey.

7) I believe that karma was taught by Christ, and that karma is a true principle of life and its results upon us.

8) I believe that the purpose of existence is to learn, and the goal of existence is happiness.

9) I believe that the ideas of good and bad are relativistic, and that one must exist and have a point of view for these concepts to work. Nothing is intrinsically good or bad.