A MUST-READ WEBLOG!! PURE GOLD!!

[Kishkumen]

Any chance you can bring back the blog? Are your entries accessible anywhere? Stored anywhere?

[Imwashingmypirate]

Any chance you can bring back the blog? Are your entries accessible anywhere? Stored anywhere?

It was lost years ago. Long before the change over to this site. Something to do with a board update. The blog was part of Mormon discussions website. I think I shared a lot about my past. Lots of random middle of the night spiel.

The only thing I remember clearly is the weightlifting story because shades put a line from it in his signature and that might have been what he mentioned as being funny once. My writing has evolved so not sure it will sound the same but this is what happened at weight lifting....

When I was 15, I did a few sports. Martial arts, weightlifting, cross country running. Swimming a lot after running away. I hadn't been going to weightlifting long. I had trouble falling backwards. I was probably underweight lol. You wear wedged shoes which helped with balance. Not really relevant to the story though. So we did a competition and the first lift went fine, the second lift, I like got distracted. I noticed a tapestry at the back of the room whilst doing the lift. Think it might have been a snatch lift looking at the video in my mind because I would have paused at my chest before jerking but it fell from above and snatch you flip under the bar but I'm not sure. Anyway, I was admiring the tapestry and next thing I knew I saw 3 red lights and the weight bar dropped on my head. I was fine. Couldn't have been more than 20KG. Clearly I dropped the weight but didn't process it lol. Not really sure how I said it in a funny way but that's what happened.

[Res Ipsa]

The board's software does include a function that allows members to create blogs. I'm guessing that was in operation at some time in the past. Members whose names appeared in blue were identified as having blogs.

I don't know whether any member created blogs were functional at the time we created this board. I have no idea whether member blogs were included in the database from the old board that was imported into this board.

[Imwashingmypirate]

The board's software does include a function that allows members to create blogs. I'm guessing that was in operation at some time in the past. Members whose names appeared in blue were identified as having blogs.

I don't know whether any member created blogs were functional at the time we created this board. I have no idea whether member blogs were included in the database from the old board that was imported into this board.

Yeah. My name used to be blue. They were lost long before this board was created and I couldn't bring myself to continue blogging. I'm thinking like pre 2010 lost.

[Imwashingmypirate]

Ok... Not a blog post but an email. (Read a few and feeling kinda sad). To my therapist with some edits. About 2011 maybe.

.....
Hey, I will likely forget to mention this at therapy so it helps if I pass some information this way.

I called student finance to see what is happening and they have received my letters and will be assessing it in the next 7 days and it will be back dated if it is accepted. I don't think I wrote in the letters about my past which is probably relevant but hopefully they have enough.

And also, relating to keeping things (although I don't know why I didn't talk about this before as it used to be quite prominent in my life) when I was about 14 I used to keep EDIT: TOO PERSONAL and my mum cleaned my room and found EDIT TOO PERSONAL and I think that is when she mentioned hoarding and said I shouldn't do that. EDIT: TOO PERSONAL I don't really want to discuss it via email cos it is a bit odd and kind of not something I am comfortable sharing. Hence the cryptic talk. I think mostly it is a fear, like when I was really young I feared I was going to lose my mum. Whether that be that she were to run away or otherwise and I would be terrified (OH MY GOSH!!!! I just worked out why I am scared of upsetting EDIT: TOO PERSONAL. I guess this is a good example of why it is a good idea to ramble in emails =D) anway I would be sooo scared that each time she would leave I would cry to go with her because I always thought she wouldn't come back for us and it's only since being in England that I haven't felt like I am going to lose her other than the time she said she was going to run away and leave us my stomach flipped when she said that. Fortunately I don't think I cried because I didn't cry at things then.

I had a major obsession with stationary. I am sure I told you this. But I loved it A LOT. I couldn't go in a shop that had a stationary section and not buy something. I ended up with a bag full of pens and pencils and all sorts. The reason for this is because it gave me a feeling of satisfication (who knows why and apparently that isn't a word). When I was very young I collected paper and card and used to play with it. I had very little interest in actually toys. I always wanted to make things and Id use my imagination and make 2d buildings and imagine little people sitting at school desks and pretend to teach them with an imaginary teacher. They were only tiny. I couldn't really afford to do this after a while and I started realising that I already had most of the things I was purchasing. EDIT: ADDING information - WAS A STUDENT, ONLY HAD STUDENT FINANCE I Love stationary still but I can very easily go and look at stationary and not buy any although I do tend to look for something that isn't there and that's quite annoying. Like I always hope there will be something I have never bought before that probably isn't even invented and I can never find it. Same with DIY stores. I go in to look for that thing and I have no idea what it is but I never find it. It's just a feeling really. I think perhaps this is why I now can't help myself with eating junk food. When I was hoarding and obsessing over stationary and organising the stationary I had into sections I had no interest in food. I could easily eat a microwave meal and be satisfied and now I can't seem to find a meal that will satisfy me and I usually end up dissapointed and with no money. Speaking of which, I can't stop spending money on junk and I don't even have money to do that. I will refuse to spend £10 on a shirt because I think it's too much but I can very easily justify buying a curry for about £15 and it's beginning to really irk me.

And a nice one to finish with. I LOOOOVE ELEPHANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD They are soo exciting. One day I would love to go to a place that has them and maybe hide a baby one in my suitcase to bring back home muahahaha. Whenever I see something elephanty that isn't just garbage I really think I need it because I love them and I have nooo idea why. They make me happy. Most of my Elephant teddys and things are in EDIT: CITY. I have two keyrings (which I don't have on my keys incase I lose them) and a plushy elephant and my baby elephant here and I hope I haven't missed any out. Sometimes I let the baby elephant sleep in my bed but I can't do that when there are other teddies or toys in the same room. It's kind of complicated. But basically, my brain convinces me, or tries to convince me but I listen most of the time because I don't want to take the chance, that the others are jealous and sad because they don't get to sleep in my bed and if i feel like that so leave them all out of my bed then I decide not to believe it and want the baby elephant in my bed then I feel bad because I think it remembers that I left it out in the cold and then it wont protect me so it's all weird and probably quite unnatural. When I was younger I had teddies in the alcove and I thought they were watching me (it was the alcove that was watching me, but anything in the alcove seems to have that feeling that thing scared the crap out of me) because I had a teddy in my bed and decided to bring them all into my bed so they wouldn't get jealous but then changed my mind and just put a blanket around them because I thought that they would seek revenge and hurt me because I left them if they were in my bed. My logic told me that they couldn't climb up onto my bed. The two teddies I had in my bed every night were probably my favourites, I had a dog that I loved and my mum took away from me. EDIT: I don't REMEMBER MY MUM TAKING IT AWAY Apparently as a kid I couldn't sleep without it and I had doggie wallpaper and dog paw prints on the ceiling and my mum said that I believed the dogs would protect me from harm. It's really strange because that wallpaper was from when I was a tiddlypeep before we ran away to EDIT: CITY NAME WHEN I WAS ABOUT AGED 5. I wouldn't imagine I would have known much at that time inorder to feel the need to be protected. The other teddy was actually a dog too. My brothers got it for my mum for mothersday and I kept it with me because I believed it to be a part of her and this might sound really strange and kind of bad, but I believed if I slept with it in my bed, she loved me and wouldn't run away. EDIT: I don't REMEMBER THIS EITHER And when it was gone I remember being scared something bad was going to happen. And then I don't remember any teddies other than my baby elephant. It came with me from Scotland because I have had it since I was about 2 weeks old.

I really should write a book but I would hate for my dad to read it so perhaps not.

So yeah, maybe I am a bit obsessive :/ I thought I had gotten over it but maybe I have just replaced it with the need to eat takeaway and spend money who knows. I worry so much all the time that I am going to lose Jamie, a bit like my mum but not as desperate. I often feel like I have said something wrong or done something wrong because I haven't seen a response that I was looking for. Like when I was coming home and trying to say bye to Jamie his attention had seemed divided when I went to hug him and the hug wasn't really a hug and I couldn't go until I made sure I hadn't made him hate me. I had to take his full attention and make him say bye properly after asking him if he hated me just so I could go and even then I wasn't sure. It is getting me down that I am too scared to say anything out of the ordinary at my mums incase they think Im a bad person and hate me and that Jamie is going to leave me. I don't really tend to talk about this sort of stuff. But I can't live like this. I know in my heart that I am not doing anything wrong but at those moments I am convinced and it is unsettling. I end up asking over and over if people are ok and asking what's wrong and things like that and watching their responses and they way they interact with and around me to see what's happening. The other day EDIT: FRIENDS NAME from church who I thought to be my only real friend came over to visit and I am not sure that she likes me anymore because she usually hugs me as she leaves and she didn't and she seemed quite awkward. I don't know what to say... but what does it matter? One never trully can know another person, I never really knew my dad.

Anyway, I ramble...

[High Spy]

Oh ok. Don't know of him/her. I think I will go eat. Hey it's my birthday now haaaaaa. Im 19 hehe. that's quite strange. I am wearing new shoes they are really quite comfy, well they are not new I just wore them now but have had them ages. They were too big for me. My feet must have grown recently.

PW

Ha you was born the day the world did get blowed up, or on the eve of it really.

Your colorful edits reminded me of something mathematically inclined people should instantly get.

Sometimes I represent it thusly.

That RGB code derives naturally on planets that circle their star approximately every 360 days and the inhabitants have 10 fingers.

Maybe someone can explain why.

It’s a truncation of an unnamed transcendental number like pi shifted two decimal places.

[Kishkumen]

Any chance you can bring back the blog? Are your entries accessible anywhere? Stored anywhere?

It was lost years ago. Long before the change over to this site. Something to do with a board update. The blog was part of Mormon discussions website. I think I shared a lot about my past. Lots of random middle of the night spiel.

The only thing I remember clearly is the weightlifting story because shades put a line from it in his signature and that might have been what he mentioned as being funny once. My writing has evolved so not sure it will sound the same but this is what happened at weight lifting....

When I was 15, I did a few sports. Martial arts, weightlifting, cross country running. Swimming a lot after running away. I hadn't been going to weightlifting long. I had trouble falling backwards. I was probably underweight lol. You wear wedged shoes which helped with balance. Not really relevant to the story though. So we did a competition and the first lift went fine, the second lift, I like got distracted. I noticed a tapestry at the back of the room whilst doing the lift. Think it might have been a snatch lift looking at the video in my mind because I would have paused at my chest before jerking but it fell from above and snatch you flip under the bar but I'm not sure. Anyway, I was admiring the tapestry and next thing I knew I saw 3 red lights and the weight bar dropped on my head. I was fine. Couldn't have been more than 20KG. Clearly I dropped the weight but didn't process it lol. Not really sure how I said it in a funny way but that's what happened.

Whoa! Dropped on your head? Ouch! That’s quite a story! You have an excellent memory, by the way.

[Imwashingmypirate]

It was lost years ago. Long before the change over to this site. Something to do with a board update. The blog was part of Mormon discussions website. I think I shared a lot about my past. Lots of random middle of the night spiel.

The only thing I remember clearly is the weightlifting story because shades put a line from it in his signature and that might have been what he mentioned as being funny once. My writing has evolved so not sure it will sound the same but this is what happened at weight lifting....

When I was 15, I did a few sports. Martial arts, weightlifting, cross country running. Swimming a lot after running away. I hadn't been going to weightlifting long. I had trouble falling backwards. I was probably underweight lol. You wear wedged shoes which helped with balance. Not really relevant to the story though. So we did a competition and the first lift went fine, the second lift, I like got distracted. I noticed a tapestry at the back of the room whilst doing the lift. Think it might have been a snatch lift looking at the video in my mind because I would have paused at my chest before jerking but it fell from above and snatch you flip under the bar but I'm not sure. Anyway, I was admiring the tapestry and next thing I knew I saw 3 red lights and the weight bar dropped on my head. I was fine. Couldn't have been more than 20KG. Clearly I dropped the weight but didn't process it lol. Not really sure how I said it in a funny way but that's what happened.

Whoa! Dropped on your head? Ouch! That’s quite a story! You have an excellent memory, by the way.

Yup, hit my head and fell behind me. I have videos and pictures in like a chronological library in my mind. Just pull them out. One of my earliest memories, I was crawling, had a cot in my room and remember playing with the carpet fibres (was like twisted long folded carpet pile? Like no cut edges visible if that makes sense), I'd untwist and retwist them. Can see the colours in the carpet and feel how they felt. Remember when I was 3, the day my mum came home from hospital when she had a collapsed lung. Was sitting next to my dad in my room and he was showing me how to draw spirals on a crossword puzzle magazine. I was trying to copy them. Then he left my room. Then I realised I was alone and tried to leave my room but I couldn't open the door and I screamed for ages and it felt like no one was coming. Eventually someone came. I also remember seeing my mum's lung strengthening thing with the coloured balls in that she was to blow into. Was made aware later in life that that day when I was locked in my room my dad was apparently making my mum do stuff with him when she was very unwell. Probably shouldn't have been told that but never the less...

Remember the first time I noticed darkness at night. That scared the wits out of me. It must have been after summer and when the dark nights came in and for some reason I was awake. I was younger than 4. Not sure exactly. I thought the sun stopped working and thought it was never going to be light again. No one was able to reassure me of these things because I never told them. I just lay in bed terrified and confused lol.

[Imwashingmypirate]

My hobbies as a kid included crushing stones on the door step. Staring at the clouds imagining they were a land full of snow. Walking along the rocks in the rockery over and over, walking around the pigeon bath for ages. Was staring at the clouds one day (might have been 5), while eating a yoghurt, the ice cream van came outside. (We never had ice cream from the ice cream van. Remember the music playing. Cut the skin between my thumb and fingers with the yoghurt tub and it left like a freckle mark. Can still see the cloud pattern in my mind.
Used to sit in the corner looking at the leaves on the house plant, bending them and imagining the movement of the water and the white stuff they had inside them. Would watch the trees out the window and imagine them being alive and interacting with each other and the birds. Can see why my dad called me a retard. I was taking it all in just not giving anything back out.

Played a game called squash the tomato a lot. Which involved me being between the bed base and mattress and my brother's jumping on top of the mattress. Never come across anyone else that played this. Walked along the fence quite often. Played in the bath pretending the shampoo bottles were drowning people and I'd stand on the edge and dive in to rescue them like Baywatch. I must have been small.

One of my earlier memories was standing and seeing broken furniture strewn across the floor. I remember knowing my dad did it in anger.

Often got electrocuted lol. There was a period of like a week where I was getting shocks and no one believed me. I burst out crying in the bath because I was getting shocks so my mum washed my hair in the sink and I got shocked off the sink. Everyone was like look nothing is happening. Then the night my hair was washed I touched the fridge door handle and flew across the room then my brother's were copying me but they weren't getting shocked they were finding it funny that I got thrown back. That's when my parents decided to get an electrician in. Turned out my dad has a broken wire leading from the house to the pigeon hut and it was wet so it was taken out. We had an old fuse box with no circuit breaker.

Another time I got a big shock, I got up before everyone else. I think I was younger than 10. The socket under the hifi had the switch stuck on the on position because someone painted over it. But the hifi didn't have a back on the plug. The iron didn't have a plug so sometimes we plugged it in by putting the wires in the holes and pushing a plug in on top and other times the hifi plug was switched to the iron so basically the plug was there without the back on and I wanted to turn the hifi on. So I was pushing the plug in but the fuse was pushing out, so I held each end of the fuse and pushed it in. Basically finger on the live wire. Flew across the room and I mean all the way across and landed on my butt with like lightning bolt pain in my arms all the way to my chest. Not sure if my hair stood up but I had imagined it might have. That was crazy. Lots of dangerous things. My brothers made my bedroom light work by putting a fork in place of the fuse. My bedroom light blew up twice. One I was very young. I remember the glass all over the floor. The second time I was a teenager. I was in bed with my dog, I had that do when I was about 11. Playing with a toy. I blacked out before the light blew up. (I often blacked out before strange happenings). And then the dog was scared and tried to leave but I tried to keep it with me and it looked at me like it had seen a ghost and ran away. Never slept in my room again. I don't think I even called for help. I just lay scared. Often layed in bed scared, awake all night smelling the air for fires. Anyway...

[Imwashingmypirate]

The board went blip.