DiscussMormonism.com

Here's what's happening:

My youngest son is getting married this Saturday, in my home ward building. We reserved the building (the entire building) over 6 weeks ago. We are scheduled to go in right after the building clean up crew gets finished, about 10 am. We plan to decorate the two rooms we're using, set up the cake, put up the tables and chairs, etc.

This morning, I received a phone call from the Relief Society president of the neighboring ward. A son of a prominent family in the other ward, who doesn't live in the ward, has suffered a tragedy: his baby died right before birth. It's very sad. I'm sure they're devastated. I feel very badly for them. They want to bury the baby in a neighboring town and were planning to have the family dinner (for 100 people) in our ward gym. I have the gym reserved. The Relief Society president knew this and called to see if we could make alternate arrangements. I declined. Personally, I thought she had quite a bit of chutzpah to even ask. I offered to allow them to use the gym, as long as they understood that we would be decorating around them, and they would have to be out by of the gym by 2 pm and take the tables and chairs down themselves (no way am I cleaning up after them). She wanted to know if we would refrain from decorating until they were finished. I declined. The wedding is at 5 pm. I need the gym decorated no later than 3:30 (in order for us to have time to eat and then get dressed for the ceremony and reception). No way can I decorate that gym in less than 3 hours. I suggested they look into using the church building in the town they're going to bury the baby in. She hemmed and hawed, because "the food would all have to be transported". I pointed out that the food would all have to be transported to our church house too and that she was asking me to change my plans in order to accommodate not the family that suffered the tragedy, but the sisters who will cater the dinner. Not gonna happen.

She was not happy when we hung up. I refuse to budge. I'm sorry they've had a tragedy, but my main concern must be for my family's well being. I will not allow anyone to mess with this wedding at this point. It's been a soap opera from start to finish as it is, so it's just a matter of enduring to the end at this point.

What do you think? Should I have done something different?

Too bad that the other person wants the place, you had it first. Keep it.

Why have a dinner as part of a funeral? Is that some LDS thing?

Bond...James Bond wrote:Why have a dinner as part of a funeral? Is that some LDS thing?

It's customary for the Relief Society to serve a meal to the family after the service. This family is exceptionally large. That's the problem. If it was a smaller group, it wouldn't be a problem. They could be served in the nursery or the Primary room or the Young Women's room. But none of those will accommodate 100 people.

harmony wrote:What do you think? Should I have done something different?

It's a tough situation, harmony. I'm not sure the Relief Society President should have been calling you at all. Really, the other family should have been informed that the building was not available. There are generally other locations where those meals can be held, including school cafeterias and other gathering places.

On the other hand, I have empathy for the family who have lost a grandchild, and can appreciate their desire to gather. It's too bad weddings and funerals are incompatible.

Harmony,

It’s certainly a difficult problem. I don’t think anyone can be adequately informed to the degree that you are or can be regarding the situation.

It seems to me that since you were booked first and a wedding cannot be changed at the snap of fingers, you should get the room/building.

The death was unexpected and a shock (I assume). But at any death that is a shock, arrangements have to be made given the options at that time.

Your suggestion to use another place seems reasonable. Of course all we know is what you tell us.

But, even so, it does not seem reasonable that you should be moved as a result. In the face of this situation they, the other people, have to do everything by one step at a time.

If there is another building available to them, they should use it.

If the space is still yours presently, I’d let it stand that way. You have had the discussion. You have not been told that you must move. It seems to me the momentum is in your favor. Again, that suggests the others are the ones who must make plans for a different space.

JAK

You handled it fine. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry for the family, but it was irresponsible of the R.S. President to put you in this situation. You had the building booked months in advance.

I have a hard time believing that it is impossible for the other family to find an alternate place. What about the Stake Center or another Ward building?

liz3564 wrote:You handled it fine. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry for the family, but it was irresponsible of the R.S. President to put you in this situation. You had the building booked months in advance.

I have a hard time believing that it is impossible for the other family to find an alternate place. What about the Stake Center or another Ward building?

It doesn't appear to be the family that's pushing the request. The Relief Society president wanted our gym so it was easier for them to serve the dinner. That way they didn't have to transport it to another building 20 miles away. I'm like... so? You have to transport it to the church house anyway. What's another 20 miles?

Normally, I'd bend over backwards to accommodate anyone in this situation, but I just can't pick up and move a wedding! I mean, what would we do? Put a sign on the door, saying it's been delayed a couple of hours? We have it planned down to the minute, and then this happens. Oi, Oi, Oi!

harmony wrote:

liz3564 wrote:You handled it fine. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry for the family, but it was irresponsible of the R.S. President to put you in this situation. You had the building booked months in advance.

I have a hard time believing that it is impossible for the other family to find an alternate place. What about the Stake Center or another Ward building?

It doesn't appear to be the family that's pushing the request. The Relief Society president wanted our gym so it was easier for them to serve the dinner. That way they didn't have to transport it to another building 20 miles away. I'm like... so? You have to transport it to the church house anyway. What's another 20 miles?

Normally, I'd bend over backwards to accommodate anyone in this situation, but I just can't pick up and move a wedding! I mean, what would we do? Put a sign on the door, saying it's been delayed a couple of hours? We have it planned down to the minute, and then this happens. Oi, Oi, Oi!

You know, churches worldwide, of every denomination, have to juggle things like this on a regular basis. Really, when one event/group/interest is booked into the space first, the second situation needs to adjust somehow. That's just how it works. Unfortunately, funerals generally don't give a lot of lead time, but still, even they get scheduled, and arranged. I wouldn't feel too bad about it. As noted, it was the Relief Society President who goofed up by not handling it better before it got to you.

harmony wrote:

Bond...James Bond wrote:Why have a dinner as part of a funeral? Is that some LDS thing?

It's customary for the Relief Society to serve a meal to the family after the service. This family is exceptionally large. That's the problem. If it was a smaller group, it wouldn't be a problem. They could be served in the nursery or the Primary room or the Young Women's room. But none of those will accommodate 100 people.

Maybe they could reserve the whole Chuck A Rama.

It sucks to be them, but then, you've got a wedding to do, and you can hardly make alternate arrangements at this point. They should try to get a hold of some other ward building, if they need to use the church for this kind of thing.