BIC LDS & ex-LDS -- Life Choices?

[_Moniker]

On Tal's thread "Intellectual Crudity of Non-Theist Apologists" Beastie stated:

I do think you may be correct, that BIC exmormons tend to have a somewhat different reaction to their LDS experience than converts, particularly if their childhood memories were also problematic. It does make sense, too - they never had a choice, and were usually aggressively pushed towards certain life choices - like going on a mission.

This was in response to my comment about how ex-LDS, that weren't converts, seem to have a bit more of an angry response to their former faith as well as to other religions. Obviously this isn't seen in every instance, and I'm certain there are some life experiences that some ex-LDS are pleased they had.

So, what life choices do you contribute to the Church? Do you feel that you may have made a different choice without the Church pressure? Are there any you're thankful for?

[_Scottie]

This probably sounds like the proverbial "all my problems aren't my fault because of the way I was raised", but I really think that the excessive guilt that I felt while in adolescence shaped my emotional well being in my young adult life. I believe I had some emotional trauma, and my guilt emotion was all kinds of out of whack. I would feel tremendously guilty for stupid little things, while I felt none for things that I should.

Being out of the church has helped me to heal this more than anything possibly could. I finally feel like I'm "normal" now...whatever normal is.

[_Always Thinking]

So, what life choices do you contribute to the Church?

Um, pretty much all! I almost can't think of a thing that wasn't affected by my membership in the church, lol. From the big things like who I married, where I went to college, my mission, etc., right down to the small things, like what clothes I wore and what I ate (and drank).

I don't consider it all negative, though. I enjoyed my time as a believer.

While the details might have been different, I'm pretty sure I would have had a similar personality if I hadn't been a member.

Do you feel that you may have made a different choice without the Church pressure? Are there any you're thankful for?

I'm sure there would have been different choices. Maybe I would have tried drinking in high school, but I doubt I would have been a party girl, you know? Obviously I wouldn't have gone on a mission.

How do I say this right? While I am thankful that I did not have sex in high school, I now wish I'd had a little more experience before my wedding night (I was a virgin).

I am definitely happy that I never smoked, but I know plenty of people who aren't LDS that have never smoked. Maybe I wouldn't have anyway.

[_BishopRic]

A friend of mine uses the analogy of the birth of a baby as a comparison to leaving the church. The womb represents the "safety" of the church, but also its restrictions...emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

The birthing process is painful, risky and scary, but can result in significant growth if one makes it through the challenges.

My journey had many challenges -- divorce, bankruptcy, addiction -- to name just a few. There were a few years after leaving the church that I really struggled with what is "right and wrong" for me. The church had always spelled that out.

But I came to enjoy the discovery process, and was almost childlike and giddy to enjoy new passions and hobbies without guilt. Today by all measures I am happier, more peaceful and successful in all aspects of my life. I have a closeness and bond with my kids I never had before. I have relationships with friends that are totally unconditional and without drama and expectations that were so prevalent before. I have an amazingly intimate and passionate relationship with my fiance I never could have imagined possible 10 years ago.

I don't think I would be able to appreciate all this without knowing the other side.

But I could be wrong....

[_harmony]

We are who we are, because of everything that has happened to us so far.

[_beastie]

I think BIC exmormons have more sexual issues to deal with, and often more issues regarding determining how to deal with former "forbiddens" like sex and alcohol. I suspect they likely have more familial issues as well. Although my family did join the LDS church within two years after my own conversion, they still lived most of their lives as nonLDS in a nonLDS culture.

I dramatically changed my life's course due to church teachings. I was not the type of young woman who even though about getting married, much less set it as a primary goal. Not only did I suddenly decide getting married and having children was now a priority after joining the church, but I chose a career that was accomodating to motherhood. Some of those decisions worked out very well, others, not so much. My marriage was a horrible experience, and that I definitely attribute to church teachings, because I would never have considered marrying someone I only knew for three months in the first place. Obviously not all LDS do that, either, but the fact is that church teachings, in some ways, encourage hasty courtship. God will "tell" you if it's right, and you don't want to have sex, so why wait? I knew many people at BYU who were married within months of meeting one another. Leaders openly encouraged short courtships. That was a recipe for disaster in my case.

But having my kids as a result of that marriage - now that's been all good. So if a bad marriage was the bumpy route to my three great kids, well, I guess it served a purpose.

I am also grateful that the influence of church teachings, and my own spiritual events, helped me quit smoking, literally overnight. I never had a "problem" with alcohol, so that wasn't an issue, but I started smoking out of teenage rebellion and by the time I was 19 smoked two packs a day. I tried to quit with no success before, but knowing "God" viewed my smoking as a sin completely removed even my DESIRE to smoke.

And although for years I resented the fact that church teachings pushed me into a career I would never have chosen otherwise (teaching young children, among other things, my patriarchal blessing told me point blank that is what I would do, and this was before I realized that he likely said the same thing to EVERY young woman he "blessed"). But it's turned out to be a fulfilling career, and a great career for a single mother because of the scheduling. So I now view this is a good thing, although I now fantasize about a "second career" of some sort after retirement.

So it's a mixed bag. But overall, I do not regret my time as a Mormon, I think it added an interesting perspective to my overall life.

[_sunstoned]

I believe we are defined by our life's experiences, both good and bad. The church and the Mormon culture is a large part of who I am. All of my decisions were made within the Mormon context. I was born into it, and lived it daily up until four years ago. For me, an influence like that cannot be unwound within a few years. I believe it will always be there. I gave my money, my allegiance, my energy, and my time, including 2 years of my life to the church. The cost in lost opportunity is unknown, but I believe it was great.

It was painful to find out the truth, but much worse to find out that the church knowingly deceived me by whitewashing and withholding key facts of its past. This makes me feel like I was lied to and scamed by a business partner who I trusted. That in and of itself far out weighs anything positive I received from my years in the church.

[_Inconceivable]

We are who we are, because of everything that has happened to us so far.

I wholeheartedly disagree (except for those people that think what happens to them defines them, they are correct). :)

One of the red letter date epiphonies I had many years ago was that I discovered that I simply wanted to be a good person - someone that was honest, kind and charitable. I at least know me. Now, do I resemble this expectation? I would hope someday more so. But until then, I can honestly forgive myself because I am at peace with most of my intents.

It's not what happens to us, it's much more what we do about it that makes us who we are.

As I reflect, the Mormon church clouded my perspective as much as it was a catalyst for occasional introspection. Now on my way out, I see how very much I have been injured and must carefully make mature choices as I begin to heal - otherwise I may be in danger of forgetting who I want to be.

[_Moniker]

I wholeheartedly disagree (except for those people that think what happens to them defines them, they are correct). :)

One of the red letter date epiphonies I had many years ago was that I discovered that I simply wanted to be a good person - someone that was honest, kind and charitable. I at least know me. Now, do I resemble this expectation? I would hope someday more so. But until then, I can honestly forgive myself because I am at peace with most of my intents.

It's not what happens to us, it's much more what we do about it that makes us who we are.

As I reflect, the Mormon church clouded my perspective as much as it was a catalyst for occasional introspection. Now on my way out, I see how very much I have been injured and must carefully make mature choices as I begin to heal - otherwise I may be in danger of forgetting who I want to be.

Hallelujah! :)