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Hey, I would like to bear you my testimony.

I know that this past year I have been questioning lots regarding absolutely everything. I have learned lots also. Some things too funny to say, or perhaps just too random. I have felt myself change (mature as such) and have been scared that the church might be evil or that God might not even exist. Because I let myself listen to Man, without realising that these people are unhappy in themselves... I see that now.

At the time when I felt as though I no longer knew God. I felt alone and never knew what to believe. One loses their sense of reality and purpose.

As a child, my faith in God was so strong. Nothing could cause me to shake and I believe without one iota of doubt in my mind that, God was with me throughout my childhood and helped me. I had 100% faith in God and never even considered for one fraction of a nanosecond that there was no God. The peace I felt was awesome. I believe that the reason I had begun to doubt was because, having left Scotland and becoming more aware of the world, I was beginning to lose that bubble wrap safety feeling. I started to wonder why God left me, I even thought it was because I had reavtivated to Church (January 2005). I hadn't been active in Scotland, mainly because no one in my family went and my Dad was controlling. So after a while I let myself begin to believe that really there was no God and that God (or something) Was everywhere (Pantheism)but not really different to us, like God was Quarks or something. So having lost faith in God and discovered some not so nice things about Joseph Smith and perhaps Christ, I had no firm foundation or belief. I have been searching for a few years now.

Thinking about some of my past Journal entries, I realised that in the past during the time when I felt God had left me, I had a great amount of Faith. More than I knew I had. As though I knew for a certainty that God would tell me the truth someday and of Christ as my Saviour. At the time of writing my journal entries, I had felt as thought I had no foundation of belief and I was alone, but as I look back I realise God had never left me and perhaps may have even been there for me more. More than my brothers in my opinion. For they have no Faith. And I believe that however hard I found the changes in our lives, they found it much harder. My Mum once said that she thinks Church saved me and I think she is right, even though at the time I might not have thought so.

Without Church in my life, I know for a surety that I would not be studying at University just now. I know because Church is the only thing that allowed my Mum to know I would be ok in Hull. That I could go home anytime as it was near by. Truth is, my Mum was scared to let me go, but then which parent isn't?

Something I found strange was that, even though I found it hard to believe, I still went to Church. I think I needed to. I guess that might cause people to think I am a hypocrit, but even I am not sure what made me go. I was very open with my doubts and raised my questions, I think I even once said something about the Church being evil to the Bishop in Hull, perhaps that might be why I get the feeling he doesn't like me much.

I found that losing Faith in one key important factor of the Gospel, the whole thing crumbles. Rather quite literally. I know people talk about the keystone, foundations and corner stones of our religion and how one part missing would mean we have no true and ever lasting Gospel. This is so true. I never quite apreciated this until now.

Another interesting thing about my childhood is that I read my Scriptures everyday, even though I never went to Church. I wasn't reading because I was told to or because I was challenged to or because that is what everyone else did and in all honesty I am not entirely sure what made me do so. I had wanted to go to Church as a child but couldn't. I had the desire to go. I read the scriptures in several different ways for different reasons. Even without full understanding of the Gospel, I knew that if I needed an answer, I could turn to the Scriptures and they would help and I prayed all the time, sometimes about silly things as a young person would. I would just converse with my Heavenly Father. I also read the scriptures as though I was there among the people. I read them as a book. I read them to know how people in those times lived. I read them for the sake of reading them, just because I could. And yet as I got older and more aware, I begun to understand Scriptures and their purpose less and less. I begun to find them boring to read, as I no longer knew what they were about.

When I first came to England, I was a typical "Molly Mormon" only with feminist views in tact. I almost knew the Bible inside and out and was very aware of the Book of Mormon. However I hadn't had access to the Doctrine and Covenants or the Pearl of Great Price in Scotland, so never knew much about them and so knew little about Joseph Smith.

It is interesting just how innocent we are as children and susceptable to things. I was once in Scripture Union class (Mainstream Christianity) and I asked who their living Prophet was? I was young and I thought no different. I never understood why they didn't have a prophet and so I asked. At that age, it was important to me that there was a Prophet on Earth at this time. I knew Gordon. B. Hinkley was our Phrophet. Their reply was that they would talk with me about it later. I do not think that they were too apreciative of my questions.

But, coming to England it was as though I had forgot it all. I trully felt as though God had left me. And, writing this has made me realise that at one time I had a sure testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I shall now talk about what I now believe. Which is someting I am still working on and perhaps will for the rest of my life.

I know having looked back that Heavenly Father never really left me. That I was merely searching for something I already had, but was looking elsewhere. A bit like when you think you have lost your keys, but they were in your pocket the whole time and you spent ages looking everywhere else. How sad, one could have achieved so much more had they realised they were in their possesion the whole time.

I KNOW God loves us and although at times it can seem as though we are alone, or even that we are being punished, we can still turn to him, for that is the only way.

I know that Christ came to this Earth as Man and that he was and is a prime example in his teachings and living and that we can be like him. That we can be forgiven through his ultimate sacrifice. I find it hard to comprehend just what he went through and don't think I could come close to understanding. I know that when I look at a picture of him even though I know that it isn't really a picture of him, I look in awe, especially at the meaning of the picture. Even as a child he knew the answers. Isn't that just so amazing?

I know the Scriptures are devine and are useful unto us, that regardless of how Human Joseph Smith was or of the sins he commited, or even how the scriptures were translated, whether the "Spaulding Rigdon Theory" is true or not, that those words could not be compiled and abridged by any man of Joseph's time, especially a man of his credibility. For he was no Scholar. And I do not believe that Solomon Spaulding was either.

The Book of Mormon was translated word for word, character for character. This I know because, when translating the Book of Mormon back into it's original language now understood by Scholars, it translates so smoothly and perfectly that no man on this Earth in the 19th and perhaps a lot of the 20th Century could have written it. Emma Smiths account of when she acted as scribe and of how Joseph read what he was shown and oh my...it is just so amazing. I believe that through the power of God, the Book of Mormon was translated and that it is here for our use and as a guide to us. A pure book that fills the gap.

Church last Sunday was awesome. There is something different about Dudley Hill ward that makes it even more amazing to be in. I was inspired by the lessons I learned personally and by Suzanne's talk. She is such an amazing speaker and I felt that a lot, if not all of what she said could have applied to myself. I felt excited and almost as thought I were floating.

I think to sum up the time when I was confused would be, I wanted to believe so much that I lived as though I did. ...

JonasS wrote: ...
I know that this past year I have been questioning lots regarding absolutely everything. I have learned lots also.
...

JonasS wrote: ...
I recently finished my first year of university
...

JonasS wrote:
It seams to me that it doesn't matter what we believe or how, because how can we be judged for believing in something that makes us happier and we believe entirely. We cannot, it would be unfair. I know that my life is much better when I am active.

John Larsen wrote:

JonasS wrote:
It seams to me that it doesn't matter what we believe or how, because how can we be judged for believing in something that makes us happier and we believe entirely. We cannot, it would be unfair. I know that my life is much better when I am active.

What if we entirely believe that Jews are inferior and sending them to gas chambers makes us happier?

Thama wrote:

John Larsen wrote:

JonasS wrote:
It seams to me that it doesn't matter what we believe or how, because how can we be judged for believing in something that makes us happier and we believe entirely. We cannot, it would be unfair. I know that my life is much better when I am active.

What if we entirely believe that Jews are inferior and sending them to gas chambers makes us happier?

Are you going to act on that belief? If not, then whose business is it what sort of ideology you labor under?

People of all sorts choose to believe things which are irrational yet comfortable all the time. Both religious and secular people generally like to believe that they are reasonable beings and that their choices are based on their thought processes. We believe this because it is comfortable, although the body of evidence suggests that we make decisions based mostly on instinct, emotion and conditioning, using rationality primarily to fill in the gaps and justify those decisions post facto.

Is it really evil to believe that which is comfortable? Or is it better to confront reality in all cases, even in those where we as humans are simply ill-equipped to deal with the repercussions?

Sooner or later, beliefs that are widely held and proclaimed tend to get acted on. Once upon a time, belief in the inferiority of certain races was an intellectual affair. The evil genius of Hitler was to take that belief, and make it a matter of practical politics: he just put other people's 'theoretical' beliefs into action.

Of course if you find it uncomfortable to have people set out arguments tending to show that your beliefs are false, you have two ways of avoiding that discomfort:

either:

(a) Stop going around stating those beliefs, and keep them in your head as private fantasies.

or:

(b) If you agree that the counter-arguments are valid and effective, change your beliefs.

Facts are what they are, and their consequences will be what they will be. This being so, why would one wish to be deceived?

Thama wrote:Because deception feels oh-so-good. Why else do we enjoy movies so much? We pay actors and effects gurus huge sums of money to convince us, even momentarily, that reality is something different that what we observe day-to-day. We are inspired by these movies, laugh and cry over a fantasy. It's a release for us, because reality is something the human psyche doesn't handle all that well. Some of us are more equipped than others to deal with it, though I suspect that none of us is really equipped to deal with all of it. After all, potential consciousness of the eventual termination of one's existence is something which has only existed for an incredibly brief period in the history of evolution. Time will yet tell if it is to be a successful adaptation.

The Nehor wrote:

Thama wrote:Because deception feels oh-so-good. Why else do we enjoy movies so much? We pay actors and effects gurus huge sums of money to convince us, even momentarily, that reality is something different that what we observe day-to-day. We are inspired by these movies, laugh and cry over a fantasy. It's a release for us, because reality is something the human psyche doesn't handle all that well. Some of us are more equipped than others to deal with it, though I suspect that none of us is really equipped to deal with all of it. After all, potential consciousness of the eventual termination of one's existence is something which has only existed for an incredibly brief period in the history of evolution. Time will yet tell if it is to be a successful adaptation.

And there are two tacts to take with this. You can assume the Universe is a colossal cheat and produced beings that desire something the Universe is unable to supply or you can assume that if your desires can't be met in this world then you must have been made for a different world.

I choose the latter.

Thama wrote:I'm hoping that this choice doesn't include believing that babies need to be sacrificed to Tlaloc.

The Nehor wrote:

Thama wrote:Because deception feels oh-so-good. Why else do we enjoy movies so much? We pay actors and effects gurus huge sums of money to convince us, even momentarily, that reality is something different that what we observe day-to-day. We are inspired by these movies, laugh and cry over a fantasy. It's a release for us, because reality is something the human psyche doesn't handle all that well. Some of us are more equipped than others to deal with it, though I suspect that none of us is really equipped to deal with all of it. After all, potential consciousness of the eventual termination of one's existence is something which has only existed for an incredibly brief period in the history of evolution. Time will yet tell if it is to be a successful adaptation.

And there are two tacts to take with this. You can assume the Universe is a colossal cheat and produced beings that desire something the Universe is unable to supply or you can assume that if your desires can't be met in this world then you must have been made for a different world.

I choose the latter.