thoughts and musings, deep and shallow
Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:27 pm
So... I'm home, tired, grumpy, a bit under the weather. And I start to thinking... if this life is all there is (and it's certainly all that can be verified), if religion doesn't matter, if this is the one chance I'm going to get to do whatever it is I hope to accomplish... how am I doing? Am I satisfied with my life? Is this what I would be doing, if I knew I'd be gone within a specified period of time?
Yes and no.
I'm proud of my family, even though there's things I wish I could change about our lives when they were young. Despite their early struggles, they still view each other as family, which to me is important. They love me, and even if we never see each other again after I'm dead, they will remember me for at least another couple of generations. So I'd definitely keep my family around me.
I love my job. I love believing that what I do is changing the world for the better. I've always been a crusader and this job suits me, since it allows me to fight a dragon every day. So even if there were no eternal consequences to taking the guy who spent last weekend flirting outrageously with me up on his hints, I wouldn't do it because that would jeopardize our staff/volunteer relationship (een though the man has a voice like melted butter...)
Given the opportunity, I'd sell my place to one of my kids and move to town. I think living closer to medical facilities would lengthen my lifespan considerably, and if this is all there is, then I want to stick around as long as I can. I don't know if I'd like it, because the only time I've lived in town was the year I spent in the dorm in college, but I'd like the opportunity to try.
I'd think long and hard about leaving the church and all its trapping behind, once my husband was gone. I have no faith in a manmade priesthood, and after years of contemplation and study, I've almost come to the conclusion that that's all this is. My faith remains steadfast in God, but there is nothing that binds me to the church besides my husband. I think the church could be much more than what it is, and I lay that lack and neglect right at the feet of the leadership, who seek personal glory and make decisions based on pride and fear. I can worship God anywhere, including the LDS church, so I'd have to weigh each factor of the church against my own inspiration, were I forced into a position where I could make that decision with impunity.
So where does that leave me? In an okay position, I think. Walking the walk and staying between the lines, but only because it currently suits me. If and when my situation changes... well, lots of things may change.
Although I have reason to believe in God and I think there will be an afterlife, I don't think it will be anything like the LDS church says it will be. Were that so, everyone who has a NDE would report degrees of glory, and none of them do, not even the ones who've been through that in my own family. So... I think the church has that wrong (among a lot of other things), not that I'm surprised about that.
Yes and no.
I'm proud of my family, even though there's things I wish I could change about our lives when they were young. Despite their early struggles, they still view each other as family, which to me is important. They love me, and even if we never see each other again after I'm dead, they will remember me for at least another couple of generations. So I'd definitely keep my family around me.
I love my job. I love believing that what I do is changing the world for the better. I've always been a crusader and this job suits me, since it allows me to fight a dragon every day. So even if there were no eternal consequences to taking the guy who spent last weekend flirting outrageously with me up on his hints, I wouldn't do it because that would jeopardize our staff/volunteer relationship (een though the man has a voice like melted butter...)
Given the opportunity, I'd sell my place to one of my kids and move to town. I think living closer to medical facilities would lengthen my lifespan considerably, and if this is all there is, then I want to stick around as long as I can. I don't know if I'd like it, because the only time I've lived in town was the year I spent in the dorm in college, but I'd like the opportunity to try.
I'd think long and hard about leaving the church and all its trapping behind, once my husband was gone. I have no faith in a manmade priesthood, and after years of contemplation and study, I've almost come to the conclusion that that's all this is. My faith remains steadfast in God, but there is nothing that binds me to the church besides my husband. I think the church could be much more than what it is, and I lay that lack and neglect right at the feet of the leadership, who seek personal glory and make decisions based on pride and fear. I can worship God anywhere, including the LDS church, so I'd have to weigh each factor of the church against my own inspiration, were I forced into a position where I could make that decision with impunity.
So where does that leave me? In an okay position, I think. Walking the walk and staying between the lines, but only because it currently suits me. If and when my situation changes... well, lots of things may change.
Although I have reason to believe in God and I think there will be an afterlife, I don't think it will be anything like the LDS church says it will be. Were that so, everyone who has a NDE would report degrees of glory, and none of them do, not even the ones who've been through that in my own family. So... I think the church has that wrong (among a lot of other things), not that I'm surprised about that.