Am I at risk of becoming a first wife?

[_Danna]

We have a funny situation which has occurred. My husband (a catholic), is a sperm donor, and has contributed to two anonymous families. As a Catholic, he had had as his only 'criteria' for donors that they be a husband and wife family. (yes I know catholics technically aren't supposed use artificial means, thatś a long story)

Now one of his families split up and the ex-wife wants to produce some siblings for her only child (a boy I think). My husband is inclined to agree. But then he was thinking, it would be nice to have our boys meet their brother/(siblings) and stuff now that they will be a single parent family. The agency are quite happy to pass on details if any party want to meet or what ever. We maintained anonymity mainly because it would be intrusive of their family

My husband is a compulsive 'helper', if they meet up, he will end up mowing lawns and taking the boy, just a wee bit younger than ours, on boy trips and stuff.

This could get weird.

Given my upbringing, the whole polygamy issue is really crowding my head right now!

[_Jersey Girl]

1. How old is the boy?
2. Does he know that his Mom used a donor?
3. Does your child know that your husband fathered the child?

I need to know the above.

[_Jersey Girl]

We have a funny situation which has occurred. My husband (a catholic), is a sperm donor, and has contributed to two anonymous families. As a Catholic, he had had as his only 'criteria' for donors that they be a husband and wife family. (yes I know catholics technically aren't supposed use artificial means, thatś a long story)

Now one of his families split up and the ex-wife wants to produce some siblings for her only child (a boy I think). My husband is inclined to agree. But then he was thinking, it would be nice to have our boys meet their brother/(siblings) and stuff now that they will be a single parent family. The agency are quite happy to pass on details if any party want to meet or what ever. We maintained anonymity mainly because it would be intrusive of their family

My husband is a compulsive 'helper', if they meet up, he will end up mowing lawns and taking the boy, just a wee bit younger than ours, on boy trips and stuff.

This could get weird.

Given my upbringing, the whole polygamy issue is really crowding my head right now!

Danna,

I don't have alot of time right now but I will soon. I'm just going to lay some issues out before you for your consideration. If anything I say is strongly worded, please don't take it personally. My only intention is to shed light on the possibilities. On the surface, this strikes me as something that "sounds good on paper" but has serious pitfalls when put into practice.

You don't say how old the children are or if they have any awareness of each other or the circumstances of the boy's conception. You don't say if the father of the boy is involved in his life or not. Okay, let's go:

1. If the boys are very young (let's say under 10) and are not aware of each other, you need to know that this will change the image of who they believe they are in terms of familial relationships.

2. If the boy in question is unaware that his conception included a sperm donor, you run the risk of jeopardizing his emotional/psychological well being.

3. When a family splits, the child's life is, at least temporarily, thrown off balance. Everything the child knew to be true about what defines a family, now changes. Everything the child knew to be true about himself, now changes, at least temporarily and until he has a chance to accomodate the new definition of family life and to trust that he will be taken care of. It takes a long time for a family in this situation to "settle". That is to say, to decide boundaries, visitations, who is responsible for what in the child's life and learn to successfully co-parent from two different locations. If there is anomosity between parents from the split, this also needs time to "settle" before the child can begin to adjust to his re-defined family. I'm of the opinion that the family needs to work this out before any other changes are made in the child's life. The split alone, guarantees the child will be faced with GREAT changes in his living patterns and it will take time for him to adjust to what this means in terms of him. (Ex: Where does Daddy live? Why is my family different? Why isn't Daddy in my home? Who will take care of me?)

4. Unless the boy and your children are aware of the circumstances of the conception, Danna, they are not siblings and not brothers. To suggest otherwise is to focus on genetics vs relationships. Can they eek out a successful relationship? Perhaps.

5. Tell me what right your husband thinks he has to inject himself in the boy's life? Does the boy know of him or about him? If he plans to visit and interact, will he present himself to the boy as his bio-Dad? Is the child old enough to understand the nuances of that term and will it throw his world into even more chaos than the split that has taken place?

6. Avoid chaos and confusion at all cost!

7. What about the boy's Dad? How would he feel if your husband injected himself into the boy's life? Do you think he has a right to expect to have a relationship with his son without someone intruding on that? Without confusing his son? I have to advocate for the Dad in this section, Danna. It is hard enough for Dad's to maintain a relationship with their children (people play stupid games with kids) and find a way to grow the relationship when they are separated by location. Does he want to do this? Do you know? Even if he claims to have written the child off, I should think the man deserves time to "settle" and revise his claim.

8. Could it be that the woman's desire to have siblings for her son, is a form of compensation and not a psychologically healthy choice? Think about that.

9. Your generous spirit aside, Danna, think about how this will impact you.

I can tell you, from the standpoint of a young child, how it feels when parents split up. It is the same as if you opened your door in the morning, put one foot out the door and went into a free fall. The foundation of your life has disappeared. The "footing" that you trusted that you always had, is gone. It can be regained! But Danna, think about what motivates the woman to want other children right now and if this is the right time to introduce one more change in the child's life.

How will your children feel about it? The more likely response (once the initial excitement wears off) could be one of jealousy and resentment. It doesn't have to be that way, but I see children every day who are compromised by such a situation.

Parents can pull this off successfully but in my experience, it is a rare occasion when they do. If your husbands plans will produce chaos, confusing and uncertainty in either the boy or your children, then I think should sit on it for a while and think it through a bit longer.

I hope something I've said here will be helpful to you.

Jersey Girl

Edit: I let truthdancer know about this thread. I think her comments will be more than insightful.


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[_Dr. Shades]

We have a funny situation which has occurred. My husband (a catholic), is a sperm donor, and has contributed to two anonymous families.

Jesus jumpin' Jehosaphat, you actually allowed your husband to become a sperm donor?? Girl, what on earth was going through your mind?? What in the name of all that is holy caused you to think that this would be a good idea??

Now one of his families split up and the ex-wife wants to produce some siblings for her only child (a boy I think). My husband is inclined to agree.

Is your husband going to do the honors again, or will she use someone else's sperm this time?

But then he was thinking, it would be nice to have our boys meet their brother/(siblings) and stuff now that they will be a single parent family.

HELL NO IT WOULDN'T!! How in the living Hell would that be "nice?" How are you going to explain this to both the kids? How will they escape the stigma that will haunt them their whole lives?

We maintained anonymity mainly because it would be intrusive of their family.

DAMN RIGHT IT WOULD!! The other kid already "knows" who his dad is. Just for the mere fact that the parents split up, you're actually considering destroying all that for him? Good God almighty.

My husband is a compulsive 'helper', if they meet up, he will end up mowing lawns and taking the boy, just a wee bit younger than ours, on boy trips and stuff.

Are you okay with that? If not, don't you think you ought to communicate your concerns about that to him?

This could get weird.

Oh really; YA THINK???

Given my upbringing, the whole polygamy issue is really crowding my head right now!

So, you're saying that given your upbringing, the whole polygamy issue is convincing you that this potential situation might just be okay? 'Cause if this was anyone else, there would be no "crowding" going on at all. It's VERY cut-and-dried. Besides, if the other kid learns who his real dad is, is there a chance his mom could go after the two of you for child support? Do you want that to happen?

And how the Hell does your husband know that the other kid's parents split up, anyway? Why on earth is he keeping tabs on them like this? Sounds rather fishy to me.

Once you cross this line, Danna, there's no un-crossing it. Your own kid will know, forever, that he's got at least one brother out there, and vice-versa for the other kid. The sense of exclusivity of his nuclear family will be shattered forever. Plus, this other kid's relationship to the dad who raised him will be shattered forever, 'cause he'll find out that that's not his real dad. Do you really have the right to do that? Can a fishing trip or two really make up for that sort of lifetime psychological disruption?

This whole thing sounds like a very, VERY bad idea. Run, don't walk, RUN from this as fast as you can.

Please print out this post and show it to your husband. And from now on, NO MORE SPERM DONATION.

[_harmony]

Danna hates polygamy, Shades, so I think she's approaching this situation from a completely different angle than your comments would indicate you think she's approaching it.

The end result is the same though, Danna. RUN!!!!! And take your husband and child with you!

[_Jersey Girl]

Once you cross this line, Danna, there's no un-crossing it. Your own kid will know, forever, that he's got at least one brother out there, and vice-versa for the other kid.

Agreed.

The sense of exclusivity of his nuclear family will be shattered forever.

Agreed.

Plus, this other kid's relationship to the dad who raised him will be shattered forever, 'cause he'll find out that that's not his real dad.

But he IS his real dad!

[_Jersey Girl]

But then he was thinking, it would be nice to have our boys meet their brother/(siblings) and stuff now that they will be a single parent family

Danna...I should ask for clarification on the above, but what do you mean they will be a "single parent family"? Has the dad terminated his parental rights to the child?

If not, they are NOT a single parent family.

Why is it that your husband seems to be writing the dad out of the picture?

IS he out of the picture and how so?

[_Dr. Shades]

Danna hates polygamy, Shades, so I think she's approaching this situation from a completely different angle than your comments would indicate you think she's approaching it.

Then why the Hell is she asking for our advice on all this? Why does she need to get verification that this is, indeed, okay (which it isn't)?

Plus, this other kid's relationship to the dad who raised him will be shattered forever, 'cause he'll find out that that's not his real dad.

But he IS his real dad!

Let me rephrase: "This other kids' relationship to the dad who raised him will be shattered forever, 'cause he'll find out that that's not his biological dad."

"Real" dad or not, does Danna's husband have the right to introduce even, say, 1% disruption into this child's psyche?

[_Jersey Girl]

"Real" dad or not, does Danna's husband have the right to introduce even, say, 1% disruption into this child's psyche?

I think I addressed that issue in my second post on the thread.

[_Dr. Shades]

I think I addressed that issue in my second post on the thread.

Right, but it's worth re-emphasizing after the "but he IS his real dad!" comment which might blunt the importance of what you said the first time.