Danna wrote:We have a funny situation which has occurred. My husband (a catholic), is a sperm donor, and has contributed to two anonymous families. As a Catholic, he had had as his only 'criteria' for donors that they be a husband and wife family. (yes I know catholics technically aren't supposed use artificial means, thatś a long story)
Now one of his families split up and the ex-wife wants to produce some siblings for her only child (a boy I think). My husband is inclined to agree. But then he was thinking, it would be nice to have our boys meet their brother/(siblings) and stuff now that they will be a single parent family. The agency are quite happy to pass on details if any party want to meet or what ever. We maintained anonymity mainly because it would be intrusive of their family
My husband is a compulsive 'helper', if they meet up, he will end up mowing lawns and taking the boy, just a wee bit younger than ours, on boy trips and stuff.
This could get weird.
Given my upbringing, the whole polygamy issue is really crowding my head right now!
Danna,
I don't have alot of time right now but I will soon. I'm just going to lay some issues out before you for your consideration. If anything I say is strongly worded, please don't take it personally. My only intention is to shed light on the possibilities. On the surface, this strikes me as something that "sounds good on paper" but has serious pitfalls when put into practice.
You don't say how old the children are or if they have any awareness of each other or the circumstances of the boy's conception. You don't say if the father of the boy is involved in his life or not. Okay, let's go:
1. If the boys are very young (let's say under 10) and are not aware of each other, you need to know that this will change the image of who they believe they are in terms of familial relationships.
2. If the boy in question is unaware that his conception included a sperm donor, you run the risk of jeopardizing his emotional/psychological well being.
3. When a family splits, the child's life is, at least temporarily, thrown off balance. Everything the child knew to be true about what defines a family, now changes. Everything the child knew to be true about himself, now changes, at least temporarily and until he has a chance to accomodate the new definition of family life and to trust that he will be taken care of. It takes a long time for a family in this situation to "settle". That is to say, to decide boundaries, visitations, who is responsible for what in the child's life and learn to successfully co-parent from two different locations. If there is anomosity between parents from the split, this also needs time to "settle" before the child can begin to adjust to his re-defined family. I'm of the opinion that the family needs to work this out before any other changes are made in the child's life. The split alone, guarantees the child will be faced with GREAT changes in his living patterns and it will take time for him to adjust to what this means in terms of him. (Ex: Where does Daddy live? Why is my family different? Why isn't Daddy in my home? Who will take care of me?)
4. Unless the boy and your children are aware of the circumstances of the conception, Danna, they are not siblings and not brothers. To suggest otherwise is to focus on genetics vs relationships. Can they eek out a successful relationship? Perhaps.
5. Tell me what right your husband thinks he has to inject himself in the boy's life? Does the boy know of him or about him? If he plans to visit and interact, will he present himself to the boy as his bio-Dad? Is the child old enough to understand the nuances of that term and will it throw his world into even more chaos than the split that has taken place?
6. Avoid chaos and confusion at all cost!
7. What about the boy's Dad? How would he feel if your husband injected himself into the boy's life? Do you think he has a right to expect to have a relationship with his son without someone intruding on that? Without confusing his son? I have to advocate for the Dad in this section, Danna. It is hard enough for Dad's to maintain a relationship with their children (people play stupid games with kids) and find a way to grow the relationship when they are separated by location. Does he want to do this? Do you know? Even if he claims to have written the child off, I should think the man deserves time to "settle" and revise his claim.
8. Could it be that the woman's desire to have siblings for her son, is a form of compensation and not a psychologically healthy choice? Think about that.
9. Your generous spirit aside, Danna, think about how this will impact
you.
I can tell you, from the standpoint of a young child, how it feels when parents split up. It is the same as if you opened your door in the morning, put one foot out the door and went into a free fall. The foundation of your life has disappeared. The "footing" that you trusted that you always had, is gone. It can be regained! But Danna, think about what motivates the woman to want other children right now and if this is the right time to introduce one more change in the child's life.
How will your children feel about it? The more likely response (once the initial excitement wears off) could be one of jealousy and resentment. It doesn't have to be that way, but I see children every day who are compromised by such a situation.
Parents can pull this off successfully but in my experience, it is a rare occasion when they do. If your husbands plans will produce chaos, confusing and uncertainty in either the boy or your children, then I think should sit on it for a while and think it through a bit longer.
I hope something I've said here will be helpful to you.
Jersey Girl
Edit: I let truthdancer know about this thread. I think her comments will be more than insightful.
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