Amplus University: Plus-Sized Education for the Hefty Mormon Conservative
We at Cassius University wanted to congratulate our red-headed stepchild institution, Amplus University, for ranking #1 in accommodations for obese young people seeking refuge from the scorn and abuse of slim, normal, and fat children everywhere. The Mormon lifestyle, which eschews alcohol, drugs, and sex, is nevertheless relatively forgiving toward the consumption of Big Macs, Twinkies, and giant Fruit Smoothies. Amplus has stepped forward to pick up the pieces.
President Simon Belmont can be found traveling to primary and youth activities across the country in his deluxe 70s custom van, complete with wall to wall carpeting, soundproofing, tinted windows, and ceiling mirrors, looking for the next generation of kids he lovingly refers to as his "roly-polies" to bring them to Amplus, where he can give the the personal care, attention, and, yes, even love, that they have been lacking elsewhere in the human community. It can truly be said that Professor Simon prefers a hands-on approach to education.
To honor Professor Simon and his outreach educational endeavor, we interviewed two young people whom he has been personally escorting to McDonalds in order to convince them that Amplus will give them the warm personal touch they have been yearning for.
Korihor Xbalanque: I want to thank you two young men ( Chunk & Goober Bonerslaw) for your willingness to talk to us today.
Chunk Bonerslaw: Are you going to finish that McRib?
Korihor: No, you go right ahead.
Goober Bonerslaw: So you won't tell our parents you caught us here with Professor Simon, right?
Korihor: Of course not, gents, we at Cassius are great friends of the Amplus faculty and staff.
Goober: Cool, because the last thing we want is another court order. It is hard to score Big Macs from the Professor when he can't come within 1000 yards of us. McDonalds doesn't deliver, you know.
Korihor: So, Chunk, why don't I ask you the first question. How is it that you learned about Amplus University?
Chunk: Oh, that's easy, Professor Simon is a regular visitor at our ward primary, young adult, and scouting activities. He is always taking us aside individually to talk up Amplus University. Candy in hand, he assures us there is much more where that came from.
Korihor: I see. And your parents had a problem with that?
Goober: Well, they did, but then the bishop assured them that the accusations against Professor Belmont were all behind him now that he had repented. Our parents were still a little uneasy, so the bishop made the Professor promise not to be alone with us.
Chunk: And, as you can see, McDonalds is hardly what you would call "alone." But the old saying still applies, "it is easier to repent than to ask permission," so we just keep our trips here between us and the Professor.
Korihor: So what do you know about Amplus' claims that they are more popular than Cassius University?
Goober: Well, we sure love it. Professor Simon told us all about Cassius, where they make kids eat organic food fit for rabbits and force them to walk instead of riding free Segways like those provided by Amplus. Cassius also doesn't get regular visits from our hero Rush Limbaugh, who lectures us on the evils of prescription med addiction while passing out his favorite candy.
Chunk: Yeah that chocolate-covered oxycontin was tasty stuff.
Korihor: I would like to thank you young men for talking to me today. One last question. How do the young women like Amplus?
Chunk: Do they have girl students there? I've never seen one. The Professor says they have cooties. We agree.
Korihor: Thanks again.
