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It is unfortunate that so many of us who were born and raised in the LDS Church don't understand what the Church really teaches. Perhaps it is a shortcoming in Primary. The things we learned in Primary songs don't include the many contributions of Mormon apologists to removing roadblocks to faith. The clear solution, therefore, is to re-work some of these beloved, time-honored songs from Primary to fit better with apologist theory. Let's start with one of the all-time favorites, "The Golden Plates."

Original lyrics:

The Golden Plates lay hidden,
Deep in the mountainside,
Until God found one faithful,
In whom he could confide.

A record made by Nephi,
Written in days of old,
Now in the Book of Mormon,
The story is retold.

Lyrics refined by apologists:

The Tumbaga Plates lay hidden,
Deep in a mountainside that had no relation to the mountainside mentioned in the text,
Until God found one fallible with normal human weaknesses,
In whom he could confide.

A richly anaphoric record made by Nephi,
Written in days of old,
Now in the Book of Mormon,
The layered, highly nuanced story is retold.

Simon, you forgot to add your lame joke.

Book of Mormon Stories

Book of Mormon stories that my teacher foisted upon me
Aren't about "Lamanites" in "ancient history".
Long ago no one came from far across the sea,
Joseph Smith made it up to get some young pussyyy

Soon Joe met others who were seeking young pussy,
And they soon welcomed all men wanted to be like Joe-y.
But first, he said, you must give your teenage daughter to me,
Giv’m to me and you will live righteously.

Emma was rebellious, and she fought against the polygamyyy.
Because one day she caught Fanny stroking his wee weee.
C'mon Emma, Joe begged, God commanded this for me to do!
Then he threatened to kill her with D&C 132.

Simon Belmont wrote:Lame joke alert!

This thread is celebrating apologist talking points. You of all people should be pleased by that.

Good one, Darth J. It is amazing that the closer a blow a joke strikes to the heart of the matter, the funnier it is.

Someone on this thread seems to have misunderstood that we are trying for apologist-friendly Primary songs. Let's give it another shot on "Book of Mormon Stories."

Original lyrics:

Book of Mormon stories that my teacher tells to me,
Are about the Lamanties in ancient history,
Long ago their fathers came from far across the sea,
Giv'n the land,
If they live,
Righteously.

Lamanites met others who were seeking liberty,
And the land soon welcomed all who wanted to be free,
Book of Mormon stories say that we must brothers be,
Giv'n the land,
If we live,
Righteously.

Apologist lyrics: (Note: the stereotypical American Indian "tom-tom" beat to which this song is sung has absolutely no relationship to what the Church has taught about the identity of the Lamanites)

Book of Mormon stories that my teacher tells to me,
Are about a small group who likely interbred with the native populace in a limited lineage history,
Long ago an unknown number of Hebrews whose DNA we wouldn't be able to recognize came from far across the sea,
Giv'n a geographically small area of probably only a few hundred square miles of land,
If they live,
Righteously.

A socio-political identity that must have mated with the peoples who already lived in the Western Hemisphere met others who were seeking liberty,
And the land which refers to a tiny speck in Mesoamerica in the history parts but the United States in prophecy soon welcomed all who wanted to be free,
Book of Mormon stories say many nuanced, layered things,
Giv'n the lack of official position of what "the land" was,
If we live,
Righteously.

Here's a song that wasn't around in my Primary days, but if you have kids in the LDS Church, you've probably heard it: "Follow the Prophet." The Church's link here will also play the music for you if you're not very familiar with this one.

Original lyrics:

Adam was a prophet,
First one that we know,
In a place called Eden,
He helped things to grow,
Adam served the Lord by following his ways,
We are his descendants in the latter days,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't go astray,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he knows the way.

Verse 9:

Now we have a world where people are confused,
If you don't believe it,
Go and watch the news,
We can get directions,
All along the way,
If we heed the prophets---
Follow what they say,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't go astray,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he knows the way.

Apologist lyrics:

Adam was a prophet,
And that's totally compatible with evolution,
In a place called Eden,
Just because there's a visitor's center at Adam-ondi-Ahman doesn't mean there's an official position about where this was,
Adam served the Lord by following his ways,
We have no official position on how we are are his descendants in these latter days,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's as free to speculate as the rest of us,
Follow the prophet,follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he doesn't have to follow artificial fundamentalist ideas of what a prophet is.

Verse 9:

Now we have a world where people are confused,
With those roadblocks to our faith,
And Rodney Meldrum, too,
Apologists have theories,
All along the way,
If what they say is even remotely plausible---
Their burden has been met,
Follow the apologists,follow the apologists,
Follow the apologists, you're free to speculate,
Follow the apologists,follow the apologists,
Follow the apologists, they know what the Church teaches better than any lifelong members do.