DiscussMormonism.com

I've looked around at other boards that might be able to help with these questions, but I must admit, I like it here--I like you people. So for those of you who have walked away from Mormonism, I'd love some input:

Why do TBM family and friends act as if we have some sort of virus? They get close enough to say hi, how are you? but not close enough to know what's going on in our heads and hearts. Instead of "Lucinda, what's going on? What have you learned that is making you walk away from your life-long religion? Let's have a heart to heart so I can understand you." I get either hugs and smiles with pity in their eyes or, "Lucinda, I know this church is true. I know the gospel is true. I know this because it gives me peace. I know this because the spirit has testified it to me and I cannot deny it." Well guess what? I'm not asking anyone to deny anything. I actually have a lot of respect for other people's beliefs. I believed the same way as my TBMs do 5 years ago. But instead of bearing your testimony to me constantly, how about stepping out of your fear and asking some real questions?

I think it comes down to some very simple things:

1. As church members, we were taught that people leave the church only for bad and evil reasons. In other words, if we left, we must have done something terribly wrong. We must have a hidden, "real" reason for leaving, and it's bad. Like a virus, that reason could infect others if they get too close. So, it's easier to assume you did something wrong and leave it at that.

2. It scares the crap out of people when "normal" people they know and love leave the church. If it could happen to you, it could happen to them. Again, the virus analogy is apt: they're afraid of catching apostasy from you.

3. Lastly, most people in the church have no idea how to help you. When you were a believer, you had common ground between you, and you could understand each other. Now you've changed, and they have no idea how to deal with you, how to relate to you. If you tell them about your issues with the church, they will probably have no idea what you're talking about. The only answer they know to struggling faith is prayer and scripture study. Beyond that, they're at a loss.

I think it's the third one that is most common, though obviously some people can be rather nasty and callous in their treatment of apostates.

It's really too bad that the closest people in your life have little in common with you outside of religion. I am in the same boat, though.

Runtu wrote:Lastly, most people in the church have no idea how to help you. When you were a believer, you had common ground between you, and you could understand each other. Now you've changed, and they have no idea how to deal with you, how to relate to you. If you tell them about your issues with the church, they will probably have no idea what you're talking about. The only answer they know to struggling faith is prayer and scripture study. Beyond that, they're at a loss.

That's true. They assume that we need help and don't know how to help--that's a good point, and explains the pity and the extra-long hugs. I had a really close TBM tell me that my core had changed and that we would need to work to find how to relate to each other again. I TOTALLY disagree with that. My religious views have changed, but I am the same spiritual person with the same personality I was before. Of course I just smiled and nodded because I, like them, have no idea how to handle these situations. When I try to disagree it seems to go quickly to contention so I spend a lot of time smiling and nodding these days.

Harmony wrote:It's really too bad that the closest people in your life have little in common with you outside of religion. I am in the same boat, though.

We still have a lot in common outside of religion. Our walking away from Mormonism is just the big elephant in the room now. Everything can be pretty normal until something comes up regarding religion and then comes the awkwardness and testimony bearing. I'm thinking about an early Thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws last night. Small talk...small talk...small talk...testimony of ancestors (even those that practiced polygamy)...small talk...small talk...testimony of plan of salvation and the peace that knowledge brings...

This is kind of a side note to your comment about loved ones testifying to us. What I find interesting is it appears TBMs think that they can change you with a single comment or a single experience and so they seek out these little experiences with you. Let me explain:

As a missionary, I felt that if our investigators could just feel the spirit, they would be convinced. I didn't understand that religious belief can come and go very slowly and be affected significantly in a cumulative manner. Maybe people feel we became convinced the church is not true because of one single piece of information, like that Joseph had sex with Fanny or something. They think we took that one piece of information (which cannot be proven) and threw out the baby with the bathwater. They can't see all the little pieces we have stacked up in our minds just as they have done in order to believe.

They might look at Lucinda and think, "Okay, what is that one thing I can say that will make the big difference to her.... Got it! I need to testify to her in a small way so she can feel the spirit again!" This might be the most loving thing they can think to do. In their mind, they are exerting a huge amount of love to you and for you. In your mind, the conversation feels fake.

Gotta love religion.

But instead of bearing your testimony to me constantly, how about stepping out of your fear and asking some real questions?

What says it's fear? You made your choice. It was wrong. You don't want any help. We move on.

bcspace wrote:What says it's fear? You made your choice. It was wrong. You don't want any help. We move on.

That seems to be the prevailing attitude, and they'll keep watching people leave. You've made up your mind, and there's no saving you. It must be nice to be able to read people's minds.

I guess if we wanted to destroy the church, we should encourage this kind of thinking. Well done, bc.

bcspace wrote:

But instead of bearing your testimony to me constantly, how about stepping out of your fear and asking some real questions?

What says it's fear? You made your choice. It was wrong. You don't want any help. We move on.

Now here's a stellar example of conditional love and friendship. You're a real tool, BC.

Good points already. I think most members are not like BC. As Runtu mentioned, most of my so-called friends are taught that I am a carrier of an infection that can easilly spread.

Some people think that guns "just go off" too and they're dreadfully fearful of even being around them. But the truth of the matter is that guns don't just go off.

What says it's fear? You made your choice. It was wrong. You don't want any help. We move on.

That seems to be the prevailing attitude, and they'll keep watching people leave. You've made up your mind, and there's no saving you. It must be nice to be able to read people's minds.

She's the one who needs to ask the questions. We're simply respecting her decision.

Now here's a stellar example of conditional love and friendship. You're a real tool, BC.

No conditions were imposed. No one disinvited her from the Thanksgiving dinner. We're interested if she's interested, but she's not. So we move on. So what?

Lucinda wrote:Why do TBM family and friends act as if we have some sort of virus?

Remember: when you see the bitter apostate, you do not see only an absence of light, you see also the presence of darkness.
Do not spread disease germs! - “The Mantle Is Far, Far Greater Than the Intellect”, Boyd K. Packer (bold mine)