DiscussMormonism.com

Ok, every once in a while I read over at the Faces East forum for TBM spouses who have a NOM or ExMo spouse.

I have seen there and here the notion that when a spouse stops believing they should just shut up and not tell anyone. The should fake that they believe for the rest of their life. The reason seems to be that they are selfish for telling people because it could upset the believers and lead to broken relationships. The family unit is more important than the individuals needs.

On the flip side we see believers who want the NOM or faith-shaken person to immediately report to the bishop and get it "fixed" or leave the flock forever before they "infect" others. I want to focus on the Fake It model, though.

I have so many problems with the Fake It model that I am not sure where to start. I am not sure what my biggest problem with it is, either, so there is no particular order to my thoughts.

*The idea that telling others how you think and feel about things being wrong or selfish is ridiculous. If that is true then it is wrong and selfish to share the gospel or talk about anything that is important to you. I doubt anyone really believes that.

*If you learn that you have been mistaken about something and have been passing that mistake on to your children any good parent is going to want to rectify that. (I am not saying all NOM/Ex believe it is a mistake to raise a family in the church or have to share their disbelief with children, by the way).
As a parent I have the right to teach my children the things that I think they need to know to make fully informed choices in life and to live happy and be fulfilled.

*Living a lie or incongruent to your personal beliefs and integrity is very, very difficult and stressful. Living a lie can lead to depression, lonliness, anxiety and all sorts of problems. It can be extremely painful. Personally, I think it would lead to a lot of suicide. I do not think that it is reasonable to ask this of someone or prefer them dead over being authentic.

*It assumes that faking belief in the LDS church is a good thing.

*It assumes that the new belief system of the individual is invalid. They are presumed to be wrong.

*It assumes that people have complete control over their emotional/mental and physical reactions to things. Or that they will be really great at lying to everyone around them. I know that this isn't true for me.

*Living a lie has got to be really, really, really lonely. I have a few people who know and I still feel very lonely because I can't talk about it since they are believers. I feel that forcing someone to live a lonely life is cruel beyond measure.


Anyway, what do you guys think? Can you think of more reasons why the Fake It model is flawed? Would anyone like to share what benefits they think the Fake It model has?

I'm currently living the fake it model. I'd rather not, but I've heard too many stories about broken families when one spouse loses their faith. My family comes before my level of psychological discomfort. Especially my child.

No, I don't think it's right. It's only necessary because Mormons are conditioned to be extremely hostile and distrusting of insiders who lose their faith, even though arguably Mormons are very open towards people of other faiths who were never Mormon.

In my experience, trying to live a lie is very dangerous to one's mental health.

Buffalo wrote:I'm currently living the fake it model. I'd rather not, but I've heard too many stories about broken families when one spouse loses their faith. My family comes before my level of psychological discomfort. Especially my child.

No, I don't think it's right. It's only necessary because Mormons are conditioned to be extremely hostile and distrusting of insiders who lose their faith, even though arguably Mormons are very open towards people of other faiths who were never Mormon.

I respectfully disagree. I think we are conditioned to think that Mormons are always extremely hostile and distrusting of insiders who lose their faith, and so we try to slip away quietly and fearfully when we apostize. Frankly, most of the Mormons, my still believing wife and children included, that I have "come out" to, have been friendly and have tried to be understanding. They often bumble in their attempts to "fix" me, but surprisingly it has been a lot less painful than I was conditioned to expect.

Another point is that I have had, what I consider to be, a very healthy, peaceful, and relatively untroubled exit from the faith. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Hey, they think homosexuals should live a lie. Why should apostates have it any better?

Some Schmo wrote:Hey, they think homosexuals should live a lie. Why should apostates have it any better?

What I think it boils down to is this: As I learned the hard way, living an authentic life and being happy with who you are are two of life's greatest lessons. I grew up thinking that who I am is "the natural man" and needs to be suppressed in favor of following the script others had written for me. Sure, it can be done, but it's not healthy.

in my opinion, this expectation to "fake it" is part of the expectation that Mormons require enablement in their faith in every possible way. Testimonies are delicate items and threatened by disbelief in others. Former believers should fake a testimony so as not to harm the testimonies of others. Nonmembers should enable testimonies by expressing respect toward Mormonism and never criticism or mocking (which are really the same thing).

I say feel free to express disagreements to family and friends, knowing some family and friends might not be happy about it. But if yougo to church, you might as well stay quiet and let believers worship as they please.

Runtu, that gets me thinking.

We aren't really taught to live an authentic life, let alone how to do it. That makes it even harder. We have been taught all our lives to follow a prescribed path that is supposed to work for everyone.

stemelbow wrote:I say feel free to express disagreements to family and friends, knowing some family and friends might not be happy about it. But if yougo to church, you might as well stay quiet and let believers worship as they please.

I just want to make sure I'm clear that I am *not* suggesting people go to church to dissent or rile people up.

The Fake It model is that people who stop believing do not tell ANYONE and continue to fake belief for the rest of their life so they do not cause any strife in their marriage or other family relationships.